dear x || xxxtentacion || Jahseh Dwayne Ricardo Onfroy

Suicidal Thoughts

Dear X
15-11-2018

Hey I wanted to talk about my suicidal thoughts.

They've gotten better kind of, they got worse cause I was influenced by the people I was surrounded by.
I noticed that you don't need to stop hanging out with them you just need to ask them what I can do to help.
If they say nothing, they're lying especially if you know them well, you need to keep trying till they know that you care.

Wow this is turning into a book of advice.

Okay back to suicidal Thoughts, Jah I never understood why I thought I should just leave everything.
My parents have been asking me if I'm getting depressed and in my opinion I'm truly fine at this point I'm just trying to help people out.
But it's hard with all of these circumstances and shit.

Let's do a throw back to 2017 I was manipulated into thinking if I was sad I was depressed and had anxiety cause that's what everyone else had apparently, so one day I found out that my fucking crush didn't like me, I was sad but able to push through it but emotionally I wanted to die cause I thought I loved him, like bitch I know for a fact that I don't love him anymore and I never did and he didn't either, I accept that now but not then.

His name was trydint (yes ik but unique is good)
It happened on a Wednesday night my parents were going to a party bull shit stuff and I wasn't in the mood for anything but chocolate but no one was there so I got in a bad place.

I was always like that when I was alone and I was used to it. I didn't really have real friends except for Ebony and Koby kind of but I'd understand if they did talk shit and we all liked the same person tf.
I would just cry like I wasn't good enough for him. I then resulted to cutting but I didn't want to go deep cause I'm a pussy.
So I tried finding anything that would help me out at the time.
It barely worked I think I was listening to your music at the moment but I don't remember.
I always just wanted to disappear. So I did end up getting caught funny story it's really easy to lie to your parents about that stuff.

But I'd rather you not resolve to that place I don't want to fuck you over as well.

My parents saw the cuts when I woke up with a short sleeve on, and of course I did it in the most obvious place my wrists so I was putting my baby sister in her high chair and my parents saw it, I said I just didn't know what I was doing okay, cause they think I was being influenced by my friends.
They were very right but I couldn't say they were because I couldn't hang out with them.

So I got away with it and I never really cut after that except for when I played with a pin I used to scrape it hard all over my legs in class.
I didn't think it would leave marks I just thought it tickled but now I have fully stopped because I made a promise to my ex James to never cut again.

I understand that he broke the promise but I will not be able to anyways because I have complete breakdowns if holding a razor.

I can't believe that I helped people get razors because I said that I can't make your decisions for you but that's some bull shittery because I could've stopped what she did but I helped her to.

But I'm getting much better now, I don't cut I don't tie nooses anymore and I don't try to get run over anymore.

The first time I started having suicidal Thoughts I think I was 8-9 it was Halloween something that I am very against. But I just thought that I had no purpose by what people treated me like at the new school I went to.

To sum it up it was shit.

And the high school I used to go to "Fraser high school" was worse than anything.

Really when you find your purpose in life you will be able to find stability for your life and for that you will gain happiness from this once you have found your purpose and everyone has one just be patient.

Ily Jah x
Yours sincerely Frazr