SMILE

chapter 8

{JUNGKOOK POV. }

I'm scared...I'm scared to fall in love and be comfortable with a girl..and kill myself because of it...I'm scared that the incident happened to my hyung will also happen to me...

I dont want that...neither my parents and hyung's..I dont want this to happen..I have to ignore her

thats why I fucked those girls to forget her and so that she would ignore me..

what did she do to make me feel this way?

I don't want...to SMILE again...
I dont want...to LAUGH again
I don't want...to be LOVED
I don't want...to be..HAPPY

because I don't have the right to SMILE, LAUGH, TO BE LOVED AND TO BE HAPPY

I don't have that right...if I just arrived on time on that day...hyung might be alive...but because I was too lazy and stubborn..I was too late...

to save my own brother

-FLASHBACK-18 years ago

"jungkook-ah..go visit you're brother and give this food to him..he hasn't eaten for days..so give him these foods that i prepared

"eomma...I'm playing right here..im sure his fine.."I said clicking through the controller

"jungkook-ah hurry up it's almost 12 o'clock the food might me cold now " eomma said forcing me to go

"Araso. ."I answered getting up and went to my brother's house since we have separated house since he was dating

I was walking slowly with a umbrella because it was raining hard looking at the clean snd wet grass that i was stepping...when I arrived I knocked on the door but there was no response i I kept on knocking again and again but all I could hear is the heavy rain...so i looked up at his house and decided to climbed up because maybe he was sleeping...when I arrived at his room I dropped the umbrella that I was holding and saw his lifeless body on the cold floor with a sleeping pill on his hand and some of it was scattered on the floor...i walked back surprised and I couldn't move...

"hyung.."i called out but he didn't respond

"HYUNG!!"I shouted and I started to cry

I kept on shaking his body but he wasn't budging...

I called out his name several times but he didn't answer

I kept on telling him to STAY with me but he decided to LEAVE...me..us

-
-
-
-
-
-
"im sorry...we couldn't save him it's too late...if only you arrived just on time...HE SHOULD BE ALIVE...we tried our best but it's really to LATE" the doctor bowed and left

Thats the last time that I was with my brother and saw him

"if only you arrived earlier he should be alive.."

that word kept on repeating and repeating on my mind and I started to realize that it was my fault and I tried to hurt myself...

it hurts when your brother died because of  you.....of your selfishness and just kept on playing while your brother is screaming for for help

and after a week...i fell into my worst depression...i started to leave scars on my body and I sometimes tried to kill myself...and I kept on dreaming that incident whenever it rains...and I will be woken up by my mother's embrace

I sometimes go crazy and couldn't control myself...

its the worst nightmare of my life..

the worst part is...

my brother died because his girlfriend left him and i was also too late to save him

and i hate myself that i want to die

but my parents needs me..

and if i fall to a girl...

my worst nightmare might come back and i wont control myself... 

and I could kill myself cuz of my depression