requited

-2-

|to be in the arms of angels is to have died and gone to heaven, both things that I cannot do|

6:14 was when Alexander arrived at our dorm, Chinese takeout in his arms. He smiled at me again.

Come to think of it, he smiled almost constantly. He smiled when he was happy, and when he was sad, he smiled so softly that you could barely see it, but it was there. He almost never got angry or distressed in a way he couldn't handle, which made our relationship flow a lot smoother — I was deeply averse to anger for reasons that were hard to explain, though Alexander seemed to understand it instantly.

I tried to smile back when I could, but it was becoming less and less that I was able.

"Hey John, I brought food,"

"Thanks, Xander," I helped him rearrange it all on the table and we ate for a while in comfortable silence.

"So, John," Alexander yawned. "How was your day?"

"Fine, I guess," I tried not to meet his eyes, like usual. "Yours?"

"Hey, Jack," his voice softened. "What's wrong? Did something happen?"

"No."

He reached across the table and rubbed my wrist. "Why don't you share with me anymore? You used to tell me things, but now you spend all of your time just...silent."

"No I don't," I muttered. I didn't expect him to notice, but I didn't expect anything from anyone anymore.

"Yes, you do,"

I rested my head in my free hand.

"Tell me what's going on, please,"

"Nothing, I guess."

"Jack-"

"I can't tell you."

"Why not? I want to respect your privacy but you're worrying me,"

"I just...can't. Not right now. Just leave it. Don't you have to go see Eliza or something anyway?"

Shit. S h i t. That was not supposed to slip out.

Alexander's gaze hardened. "John," he said firmly. "I never have more time for anyone than I do for you. Eliza is not what you are to me."

"And what am I then?"

"You are my closest friend. You understand me, John. Let me try to understand you,"

I closed my eyes in defeat and tilted my head down, eventually just laying it on my arm as it rested on the table. I didn't see Alexander get up and move to sit next to me, but I could feel him half hugging me as he rubbed my back. It hurt in a way I couldn't quite describe, and I could do nothing but try to find comfort in his presence and his touch.

"You should get some sleep,"

I said nothing; Alexander stood me up, supporting my weight, and lead me to my bedroom, where he laid me down and stroked my head until I fell into a kind of restless sleep.