the porch light is on, and your skin is pink. so pink, warm, i mistake it for a heart. a cartoon heart is tattooed onto my rib, you like to trace it with your fingertips when you can't feel my heartbeat. you don't have a heart. i kept trying to find it, thought maybe it was hidden in the blue camisole you always wore to bed, thought maybe it was in the coconut chapstick you let me use too often, thought maybe it was under your fingernails. after all, that's where they'll find my flesh. my dna will be entwined with yours, wishing we were one. i used to think we were one. the cicadas are singing (like you used to make me do), do you remember when you held onto my skin? when your mouth open and shut on my chest, life clinging to your tongue. i thought when your fingers took root in mine that we had planted some vines that would inevitably grow dependent on and intertwined with each other.
i was inextricably yours. i made you the virgin piña colada you had when we first met, i made you the chardonnay i poured onto your stomach and made you drink from my mouth, i made you the sweet tea that's sweating in your hands. i made it the wrong way, though; i made the iced tea then put the sugar in after, and the sugar didn't dissolve. nothing can dissolve in the cold, two things can't become one in the cold. maybe that's where we went wrong. i was so cold, the only warmth you could offer me was in bed. i didn't want to be in bed all the time. my muscles were atrophied, i wanted to walk again. i crawled and walked and ran on the grass, but without you. you wouldn't come with me, i was so cold. you let me freeze, took me back into the bed, thawed me out, and warmed me up to you again. we were stuck in a dizzying cycle.
feeling hot water massage into your skin, lax your muscles, and allow you to move is addictive. i desired that feeling so badly. i would let you thaw me out and keep me in bed until i ran away into the grass and froze, and you let me. you let me.
i can't feel my arms anymore. feeling has gradually deteriorated in my fingers, toes, hands, feet, and it's reached my arms. i don't know why you haven't given me any warmth, today. it's so cold out, and you're letting me freeze again. i want to go back inside, have you thaw me out in the bed. god, i'm addicted to you. i want help, but i don't want it from anyone but you. this frostbite is gonna consume me soon, i can feel it in my chest, a thick lump in my throat. but if i can choose how i die, i'd wanna be in your bed.
