Blue Moon [BXB]│✓

t h i r t y f o u r

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B L U E

Watching the sunset rise day in and day out, I feel like I officially lost myself. There was no point in me being sad or upset with anyone because I'm upset with myself. I should have seen it coming from the start but I didn't.

No matter how much I try to dust it off and say that it wasn't a big deal, I cry all over again. I feel bad for not talking to Grace. You don't know how much I want to express what I'm feeling but every time I look at her I feel disappointed in myself to even speak.

All I heard from my mom was she has been talking on the phone with my grandma because she thinks I turn into a mute child which isn't the case. Just disappointed in myself to speak to anyone.

Most importantly was me attempting to kill myself, that's where I just couldn't look at myself in the mirror anymore. 

Something in me clicked that wanted to end it all without hesitation. What was I thinking when I was doing it? Leaving all my loved ones behind just because I couldn't cope with my feelings. Grace would have never survived without me because I'm the only family she has left.

Thank god that mystery girl saved my life and I still don't know her name but when I recover I'll thank her.

Instead of mopping around everywhere, I have been cleaning up my room for the most part because I can't stand a messy room. Books were all over the floor, picture frames, my collection of items, and some papers that I have been writing on. Nothing major really broke from my tantrum but my heart.

When my room was back the way it was, I walked out of my room letting the cold breeze hit my face. It looked like a cold and dark environment from the chills hitting my body.

Nitty meow towards me then purred on my legs, wanting attention that I haven't given her for the past week. Picking her up, I walked down the quiet and dark hallway, going downstairs.

Grace was sprawled on the couch sleeping peacefully. Walking towards her I notice that she had on my favorite hoodie that I always wear. I didn't question why she looked like she went to murder someone.

Leaning down, I kiss her cheek softly where she moves a little and went back to sleep.

Walking in the kitchen, I place Nitty on the ground where she went over to lay in her bed. Smiling at myself, I sat down at the table then watch the sunrise from the window as thoughts start to swirl in my mind.

I wasn't a virgin anymore where I force myself on a person. I thought I love him to get rid of feelings for another person that I love. All this happened in a couple of months and I thought my life wasn't that interesting.