Loving the Pain (BoyxBoy)

Chapter 1

Chapter 1

            The last week of summer had passed too quickly for Zariah’s taste. He wasn’t prepared for the harassment he wasn’t able to control. He was used to bringing pain to himself; used to controlling how much he hurt at one time. But knowing that because of his sexuality and the way he looked, controlling the pain would be nearly impossible.

            Zariah watched his mother carefully as she paced back and forth across the kitchen as their dinner continued to cook. He swiftly snatched a steak knife from the rack and snuck back out of the kitchen, quietly running back to his closet of a room. He jumped onto his bed and crossed his legs; closing his eyes as he placed the knife to his wrist. His mother never knew what Zariah was up to. She always assumed that he was alright even if he never showed his emotions.

            As the knife dug deeper into his pale flesh, blood dripped onto his legs. This pain was nothing to him; it was simply something to hold him over while the real pain was just waiting outside his door. Once his mother was done cooking, he had planned to sneak back into the kitchen and let the heat from the stove do the rest. His plans were usually flawless since he had been part ninja since he was born. Sadly, he could have used the ninja skills when he was trying to escape from his father’s grasp.

            “Riah, dinner’s ready!” That was his cue. He dropped his knife and pressed himself up against the wall, slowly opening his door and slipping out into the darkened hallway with his hand pressed against his bloody wound. Zariah’s black hair and skinny figure had always made it easy for him to slip past people without being noticed; especially in the dark. He ducked into the kitchen and watched his mother leave as he pretended to grab a plate from the cabinet. She didn’t bother to look her son over like she usually did. But Zariah had his back turned to her anyways. “Hurry up, or you’ll miss the beginning.” His mother laughed as she drifted happily into the other room where she had set up a movie for the two of them to watch while they ate.

            Making sure his mother wasn’t watching, Zariah carefully set his hand on the burning stove; instantly feeling his skin start to singe. His eyes rolled back and a small smirk rose upon his face as he induced himself in what he considered pure pleasure. Suddenly he pulled his hand away; not wanting to cause so much pain that he would be forced to confess to his mother. He grabbed his plate and piled it with food before walking back to his room; ignoring his mother’s call as he passed her.

            He slammed his bedroom door behind him and set his food on his bed. The cut he had made on his arm continued to drip blood onto the floor, making him a bit more obvious of his doings. He stripped himself of his black skinny jeans and wrapped his bloody arm with paper towel he had lying around. After making sure there was no evidence of his cut, he plopped down on his bed and indulged himself in his food. He enjoyed the silence that his room brought him, giving him a reason to retreat there whenever he could.

            The sound of footsteps down the hallway made his heart race. He quickly grabbed a baggy sweatshirt from the other side his bed and slipped it on to cover himself. His mother entered his room without knocking as usual but he was expecting that. She examined both her son and his surroundings, wondering why he wouldn’t want to spend time with her. She had been trying for months to get her son to open up to her, but he always seemed to refuse or have a reason not to. They rarely talked at all.

            Zariah crinkled his nose in slight disgust with his mother’s actions. She sat down next to him, not noticing the knife Zariah had shoved under his covers. “Zariah, what’s the matter honey?” She frowned and lightly ruffled his hair, letting him know that she was always going to be there for him even though she was never before.

            The two of them sat there in silence, staring into each other’s eyes as a quiet battle happened between them. His mother was the first to break away. She shifted slightly in his bed and glanced around his room at the many posters that covered his walls along with the clothes that littered his wooden floor. She was tempted to clean up the room just out of motherly instinct.

            Zariah cleared his throat to catch his mother’s attention. “I’m fine…” He mumbled, darting his eyes toward the door to signal for his mother to leave him alone. She quickly took the hint and kissed her son’s forehead before leaving the room. Zariah closed the door behind her and continued to eat his food. His hand began to sting with everything he touched. He couldn’t help but cringe.

            He quickly finished his meal and pushed his completely cleared plate off of his bed and onto the floor. He bit his lip and pulled his covers over his head, slipping the knife under his bed in the process. He knew he would have to get rid of it as soon as possible so his mother wouldn’t find it. He felt tired but knew it was only because the pain was overwhelming him. He had hoped this wouldn’t happen but figured it would be a little better in the morning; hopefully before school started so he wouldn’t have to worry about that too.

            He started to drift off; slowly slipping away into his normal dreamless sleep. He gave up on dreaming long ago but still secretly wanted to have a warm fluffy dream where nothing went wrong. But he never let his wishes like that get too high or hopeful. He knew what was out there waiting for him. He didn’t want to reply on dreams and wishes when he knew they would only be taken away from him.