Erik's Depression Chronicles

Chapter II: Why won't you love me?

"What the fuck do you mean that you wish someone loved you? I'm right here. I want you, I love you. Why won't you just let me love you? I'm right here. I'm in love with you. Why are you ignoring the fact that i'm so deeply in love with you? Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Am I not good enough for you? What's the problem? I'm..."
-"Erik? Are you paying attention"?
I snapped back to reality. I had been so deep in my thoughts that i lost track of time and space. 
-"Y-Yeah" i muttered.
-"Good. Let's continue."
...
I had been focusing on the girl who i was in love with while thinking. During one of our long breaks she kept saying how she longed for a boyfriend, how nice it would be. I overheard that conversation. A single tear ran down my cheek as i went into the bathroom so no one would see. I had looked in the mirror. Instead of seeing my reflection i saw nothing. It's like i was invisible. The mirror showed the truth, who i was to her. Nothing. I punched the mirror repeatedly until there were big cracks in it. The son of a bitch didn't break so i had to get out of there.
...
That was about 30 minutes ago, luckily no one had noticed yet. The bell rang and the last lesson was over. After i got my stuff i ran home. Exhausted, i went up to my room and just laid down in my bed trying to forget everything. 
...
I sat up, i noticed something strange. A large kitchen knife was laying on my desk. I got out of my bed and examined it. When i saw the handle i froze solid. The girl, her name was engraved on the wooden handle. Images of her popped up in my head. Without noticing i had started cutting myself on my left arm. But... something was up. I felt no pain, so i continued. I cut, and I cut. Why didn't i feel anything? I stabbed myself in the stomach and pulled out the knife. No blood... just a clean stab wound. I slowly realized. There was a reason for there being no blood and no pain. I was empty. Except for one part, my heart. Ah yes, my heart who kept beating for her. Suicide might not be the answer. I can live for her. 
"But she doesn't want that. She doesn't like you, she hates you."
Thoughts popped up in my mind.
"Did you really think you had a chance with her. You fool. You freak. You fucking disgusting piece of shit."
I closed my eyes trying to get rid of them.
"N-No! That's not true she just doesn't know! She..."
I felt a heart wrenching pain in my chest. I opened my eyes and looked down. The knife had been put through my heart. I wasn't holding the handle. It was someone else's hand. I looked up and i saw...
I-I saw...
Her.
...
I shot up, my heart beating like i just ran a marathon.
"Was it... was it all a nightmare?"
I was well alive and breathing. No sign of a knife anywhere. I picked up my computer and started writing. And now i'm here, writing to you all.

My demons got the better of me in the nightmare. I have to find a way to suppress them until they make me do something to myself for real. But with my current situation, my life will come to an end very soon.

Help me.