We'll Start All Over

Chapter 6: Denial

Michelle stood there in the rain, looking after her with sadness in her eyes.

When Aly returned to her apartment, she was annoyed to see Michelle's script still sitting on her bed, and gathered it up and threw it on her coffee table. Everywhere she went, Michelle seemed to have invaded her thoughts, her life. She had never asked for that, and resented her intrusion into her life. All she had wanted was to act, get a job, and be happy doing what she enjoyed, not be bogged down with emotions she had not asked for.

She slumped on her bed, lying down, trying to erase all her thoughts, but Michelle's sad face in the rain came back to her. She covered her head with a pillow, trying to drown out the thoughts, but they would not disappear, and she threw the pillow away in anger. She wasn't in love, it wasn't true, it was just some crazy crush that would go away when she finished the production.

She got up and sat in the sofa, turning on the television and letting its mindless talk wash over her, but still she found her mind wandering back to Michelle. She put her head down on the coffee table, feeling the cool wood against her forehead and beating her fists against it in rage.

"I'm not in love!" she cried out to herself, "I'm not in love with a woman! I'm not a lesbian!" The memories came to her again, of a girl she had liked in high school, but had pushed the thoughts aside, "I don't want everybody to hate me!" she cried, and then she broke down in tears, huge sobs that racked her whole body.

The phone started to ring, but she let it go to answer phone, "Hi," came Michelle's voice, "Look, maybe you don't want anything to do with me, but if you do want to talk, I'll be around.

Even if you don't want to talk, please come and play your role tomorrow night. You're the perfect person to play Princess Sasha, and your understudy could never replace you. Please, Aly, I'm counting on you. I believe in you."

Aly couldn't believe it. Even though she had been so cruel to Michelle, giving her mixed messages and driving off without an explanation, she had still called. She had still said, "I believe in you". Aly wasn't sure she believed in herself, but Michelle still cared, somehow. Had Michelle liked her all along? Had she waited in the wings, hoping and praying for a miracle, that the awkward straight girl who had pulled away so embarrassed from that stage kiss would come around to love her? She had smiled when Aly had kissed her, and Aly had been so lost.

Now she was just tired and confused, and didn't know what to believe. Was she in love with Michelle? She didn't know. Michelle had been kind to her, had inspired her, had moved her to tears on several occasions, but was that love? She wanted to touch Michelle, to feel Michelle's hands over her body, but was that love? She wanted to be with Michelle all the time, had her on her mind constantly, but was that love? What exactly was love, anyway? Her boyfriends had been people to hang around with.

She had felt a deep fondness for them and been upset when she had lost them but looking back, she couldn't envision spending her life with any of them. They had never really inspired her or left her in awe the way Michelle did.

Aly went back to lying on her bed. She remembered the way it had felt when Michelle had first kissed her, she had been excited and afraid, she had felt alive. Their breasts had rubbed together through their costumes, and she had felt aroused. When she had read Michelle's plays, she had been so moved by her characters, so moved by the beauty in her mind that she had wanted to know more, see more of the person who was Michelle.

Then she had seen her sing, sing completely and truly from the heart, and she had been lost and drawn to kiss her. At that moment she had wanted to take her in her arms and keep her close, like she was the most precious thing in the world.