I'm nervous
I've always had this uneasiness about planes
My lack of understanding sends me spiraling
How do they fly?
But it gives me slight hope
If planes can fly, who is to say that I cannot?
I board
People can be so relentless
Little children are crying
Aged businessmen yelling into their cell phones
An old woman reading a bookmarked page of a Bible
A young couple is kissing
I smile at them, I know what it is like to love
Stumbling through the rows, apologies sliding past my lips, I find my seat
The pilot's voice crackles through an intercom
12 hours
I sit back, close my eyes
When we take off, I thumb through the safety guide quietly
I put it back, assuring myself I will not need it
Hours pass
Some like seconds and others like days
I think of him sitting at our home
He is probably reading the newspaper and eating microwave macaroni and cheese
He stopped trying to cook
I make courteous conversation with the azure-eyed women next to me
Her grin reaches the stars and she tells me about her someone
Her someone is kind of a no one, but that's okay
People fall asleep, one by one
But I cannot rest
I glance at where the safety guide is in the seat pocket and find myself unable to tear my eyes away
Biting my lip, I reach for it again, my slender fingers extending slightly
Whooshing
I jerk my body towards the window
The plane lurches forward and pieces of glass shower my legs
Cuts, everywhere
Inside, outside, sideways
Stinging
We are in a backwards nose dive, facing the sky
Falling
I quickly undo my seatbelt and turn my head around
My breath catches in my throat
Falling
All I see is fire
The flames are grabbing at our backs
Falling
I am choking on my realizations
Drowning in my inability to allow acceptance into my body
Falling
Dear, God, there's blood in my ears
It's in my mouth
It's in my dress
It's everywhere
I spit it out into the safety guide
Falling
The woman with the Bible is flung out of her seat
She is ingested by the inferno
Falling
The seconds pass like hours
Falling
I hear shouting, prayers
What the fuck?!
God, spare us, please.
Allahu Akbar!
Amen.
Falling
Cell phones are open, I hear clicking
Who are they trying to call?
Falling
I try to ignore the fact that I can't hear any children
I can't see the couple
Falling
The thoughts slither down my throat and grab my insides in a death grip, squeezing
I am shaken, my body is rattling
Falling
I hear the crinkling of a newspaper, I think of him
Falling
I wonder if he's done the laundry, swept the floor, set his alarm for work
Screaming
My ears pop and I can hear the goddamn screaming
They are so loud!
I am not
I whisper his name once
Wistfully, cafard is filling the holes in my skin
I close my eyes
I whisper his name again, the puncture wounds in my flesh overflowing
Falling
Oh, how I want him to touch me once again
Screaming
Falling
Silence
All is calm.
