story from a dark place

Unknown Feelings

it was about time to for bus call and i was ready to leave. i'm glad that my bus is always on the first call.

"is it okay if i sit here?"

i looked up and there she was. Gisselle covering her face with her hoodie just showing her eyes

"what are you doing here Gisselle? you'll get in trouble if they see you here."
"don't worry, no one saw me."
"but what if someone notices you don't belong on this bus."
"shh, they won't." she said laying her head on my lap.
"okay, but if you get in trouble. that's your fault."
she laughs. "dude, trouble is my middle name."
"Gisselle Trouble Castillo."
"yup, that's me. but i don't go by Gisselle anymore."
"oh, why?"
"cause, i'm not Gisselle anymore. i'm trying to be unknown."
"so what do i call you."
"XGCX or Unknown Girl."
"hmm. okay."
"anyways, i'm trying to sleep. i'm tired."
"from doing what?"
"shh, i'm trying to sleep." she said turning around.

i opened my bookbag and took out my notebook and started writing. well, i didn't really write anything. i wrote unknown girl and the mark that Gisselle would always write in the restroom stalls, x's for eyes and a simple smile. since we were almost to my stop i put my things in my bookbag and woke up Gisselle to tell her we were almost to my stop.

"welp, now i know where you live," she said yawning.
i shyly laughed. "yeah."

we walked all way to my house, it was really awkward. i really didn't know what to talk about. to be honest Gisselle is the only person to ever talk to me. i can't believe that the most known person is talking to a loner like me.

we got to my doorstep and i unlocked the door. Gisselle went in and jumped on the sofa.

"i hope your parents won't get mad at you for having a guest over."
"they won't. they are always at work. they come home really late."
"oh, you're home alone all the time."
"yeah." i frowned.
"damn, must suck to be alone all the time."
"yeah." i mumbled.
Gisselle got up from the sofa and walks up to a picture of me and my parents.
"i see you don't have any siblings."
"nope."
"must suck to be an only child."
i shyly laugh. "yeah."
"do you have siblings?"
"five."
"aren't you going to miss them."
"yeah, but i'm better off alone. by the way, you have your mother eyes."
"um, thanks." i blushed.
"no problem." she smiled.

Gisselle walks around my living room looking at pictures of my family. she stopped and looked down at my bookbag. she looked at me with a look telling me if she could go through my bookbag. i nodded. she picked up my bookbag and opened it up; she took out my white notebook.

"the famous notebook. do you mind if i read it?"
"um... uh... not at all."
"are you sure it's okay? it's your private notes or whatever."
"yeah, it's okay."
"damn, that kid really missed up your notebook. can't believe they took your notebook away like that."
"why did you defend me?"

Gisselle looked up at me with a serious face. the serious gaze that she would always give at people when she'd walk in the hallway or when she doesn't want to talk to people. it always scared me, when i would see her do it. but now that i'm getting to know her, she's not the person that i thought she would be. that gaze would make you think that she'll hurt you or that she's always mad. she looked at the notebook and continued flipping.

"well, i had to defend you because they were hurting you. at school, i would always see them pick on you. call you names-"
"wait. you would see everything they would do to me." i said interrupting her
"yeah, but what they did today was terrible. they took something that was yours, something that's really special to you."
"it's just a notebook."
"it's not just a notebook. this is your only friend. all your thoughts are saved here. they are all told to someone that won't tell anyone about your dark secrets."
"Gis- X, when i fill out this notebook imma throw it away. it's not important."
"so you're saying your feelings towards me aren't important."
"what are you talking about."
"i'm talking about the things you wrote about me."
"what are you talking about you. i don't write about you."
"then listen to this."

'"08/18/13 Dear me, i just saw this one girl. she was with a group of friends. it must be cool to be surrounded by so many kids. I wonder how it would like if i was her. would she like to be my friend, if i walked up to her? Ugh. Grace stop. she'll never like someone like you. you're a loner and no one talks to a loner like you. Grace.xx."

she looked at me with her serious gaze. then back at my notebook. how can she tell that i have feelings for her?

 "that doesn't mean i have feelings for you." i growled. 

"10/17/13 Dear me, what is this feeling i'm getting when i see Gisselle. is this normal? there's just something about her that, i don't know. maybe it's because i feel bad for her. she lost her friends and now she's alone." she paused and flipped the page.

"11/10/13 Dear me, Gisselle hasn't looked okay. she doesn't eat her lunch, she doesn't talk to anyone, she also sits alone at recess. i really want to go up to her and just try to make her feel better but will i make it worst-"

"STOP!" i shouted.
"so, it's true." she smiles.
"no, it's just that i really cared about you and i wanted you to be okay."
"what about those feeling you said you felt when you would see me?"
"it's nothing."

she got up and walked towards me, i stepped back a bit. i was starting to get those feelings again. she came closer and she reached her hand out. i pushed it away.

"Grace, listen it's okay to have these feelings."
" i'm sorry X, i think you should leave."
"i just love how you say that and doesn't pain you" she said getting closer to me.
"please, Gisselle. leave." i said looking down, pointing at the door.

she turned around and walked to the door. she turned to look at me, her look on her face really made me regret making her leave.

"i'm sorry for making you feel this way Grace." she said.

that feeling again. why do i always get that feeling? what does it mean? i fucking hate myself for making her leave. fuck, i should go and apology to her. i ran out the door and ran up to her.

"Gisselle, i'm sorry. i didn't mean to get angry at you."
"Grace, it's alright. it's my fault for making you angry."
"listen, i really don't like talking about my feelings, even when people bring it up."
"i understand, but it's always a good thing to talk about them."
"but, i'm afraid to get judged if i do."

she reached her hand out and landed her hand on my shoulder. i looked up at her she was smiling at me. i smiled back.

"i won't judge, you're my friend."
"friend?"
she laughed. "yes."
"why would you want to be friends with me?"
"well, you seem really likable."
"me? likeable?"
she laughed. " yeah, if you really cared about me, then i should care about you too."

i straight up didn't know how to feel about that. i just wanted to hug her and cry on her shoulder. did she really want to be my friend?

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welp, this took me ages to finish but, i'm finally done with this chapter. sorry, if it sucks i tried. i was having some writers block and i really didn't know what to add in and i also has to do some changes to some parts that didn't like. well, hope you enjoyed this chapter. goodbye.

Song: Leaving Tonight ~ The Neighbourhood