slice open my heart

painful

Your name is Hal Lalonde and it's been a year since your boyfriend committed suicide.

It doesn't feel like a year. It feels like it was last week. It's still so fresh in your mind. The sound of a gun from the kitchen, the clatter of metal and bolts as you rush out, the sight of him bleeding out on the floor. The light drained from his eyes, the blood on the floor. The rush to hold him, the last smile from him, the blood. The blood all over you. The blood, everywhere.

His grave was pretty. He had asked Jade to make one for him when he died, and she had said she'd die before him. He had just smiled, and she promised she would. She put flowers inside of it, and it's glass. Bulletproof glass. You had asked her if it was some sick joke, but she had said that's what he asked for in his letter to her.

A letter. That's the biggest thing about someone committing suicide, isn't it? Them, writing a letter, saying goodbye. Dirk didn't write much. He wrote about his gravestone to Jade, sent a recipe he had kept secret to Jane, a few robot parts and a blueprint to Jake, a check and something emotional for Dave, an emotional letter to Roxy and a guide to recovery letter to Rose.

You got a letter, too. You got his will. He wrote 30 pages of a letter to you, dating back 5 months. He expressed his love for you. He explained how hard it was to watch you. He wrote about the work you both did. He left you the blueprints to so many plans. He told you to have a future.

He was rushed to hospital, to try and get the bullet out. You had watched them drive away. Roxy was quick to drive you to the hospital, and you sat in the waiting room for a long time. You hadn't slept in 2 days, and the night in the hospital waiting room made it 3.

Dirk died on the surgery table. You know that his spirit had left in the apartment.

You didn't go home for a month. You went to get some clothes and the dog, and just. Left. You stayed with Roxy, because she's your big sister, and you visit Dave as often as possible, knowing he probably feels worse than you. But he has the support he needs, he has his boyfriends.

Your boyfriend is dead.

You started seeing a therapist after a month, because Roxy was sick of you sitting around and mooching off of her and Rose. Rose sent you to her friend in the field, and she promised that she can look after you too. You're comfortable with her. She helps you move on, but you have relationship issues. You don't really look at anyone new.

You adopt a boy. He's 7, and he's easy to deal with. He's quiet, too. He's nice to talk to, and he likes talking about one of the boys at school. You enjoy having him around. You're glad he's getting along with other people.

His name is Junior. Dirk and yourself had been looking into adopting him. You're... A little scared. Will you fail at loving him? Like how you failed at loving Dirk? Will you lose him all the same?

Your therapist tells you to stop thinking like that. You can't help it. She suggests that you tell him, junior, tell him that you're scared. You express that you're his dad, you can't just tell him. She says it's okay. You'll bring him in next session.

You keep pictures of Dirk in the house. A lot of them. They're mostly group photos, but you took a lot of photos of him smiling, so you keep those around too. Roxy always smiles when she passes them, and Jake gives him the side eye, even if he's dead. It's comforting, in a way. He acts like its the real Dirk, in the flesh, who he hates.

He still cried at the funeral.

Junior started asking about him. Asked what happened. You just told him, straight forward, that he killed himself. Junior nodded, and assured you that he'd be okay, in heaven. You smiled, and said that he still exists around us. Junior found comfort in that comment. You're glad that he agrees with you.

He says that he met Dirk once, before he died. You're confused at first, but then you understand that that's just what he did. He says that he told him all about you. "He said you're loving." junior says. "That you'll be sad." junior frowns. "I didn't know that I wouldn't get to meet him afterwards. I wish I had asked him more stuff." you ruffle his hair, and assure him that he'll learn more soon enough.

The first time Junior has a friend over, you're surprised.

His name is Seb, and he's a little older than Junior. He's in the same grade, because he was born so close to the borderline for the year level ages. He's loud. His dad's name is Blake, and his other parents is Sydney. Blake went to the same school as you, but he's 3 years older, and you never really noticed him. Sydney is your age, but they came from far away. They don't have a voice, but Seb seems to enjoy talking for them.

You don't tell them about Dirk. It seems inappropriate. They don't ask about him, either. Maybe Seb told them, or maybe they just don't feel the need to know. They tell you he's handsome when they see the photos the first time, and you nod, holding tears back, agreeing.

"Dad, when did Dirk die?" you feel sad that your son doesn't call Dirk his dad, too, but it makes sense, you guess.
"A while ago. Not long before you were here." junior looks down.
"Is that why the windows are always open?" you look at the windows. You never realised what you were doing.
"I guess so." you mutter. "A habit."

You think that, even with Dirk gone, you'll be okay. Because you've got a family, and friends. And he's always there, watching.

Everything will be okay.