ALL OUR BRUISED BODIES AND THE WHOLE HEART SHRINKS;;
Have you ever suffered? If so, did you get better or have you never quite recovered from it?
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I felt a certain relief about returning to Monmouth as I packed my bags the next morning. It was funny how Monmouth had gone from the last place I wanted to be to the only place I wanted to be. That was mostly due to Patrick and Manderson, but still. Things had changed so much and it had only been about three months. There wasn’t much left of the semester which made me a bit anxious, but I figured I’d have enough time to bring my grades up a bit and at least get straight Bs or something. At this point, straight Cs would even be okay.
Mom drove Jessica, Berkh, and me to the station early that morning. Berkh and Jess spent most of the wait time being a gross straight couple while I stared at my phone, waiting for a text from Patrick that I knew would never come. I wanted him to realize his mistake -- I wanted him to realize that I didn’t want anyone to know how much I was struggling. Even Patrick didn’t know everything that was going on; no one did. And I liked it like that. I could just tangle myself further and further in my web of deceit and manipulation.
The train was delayed and by the time we got back to the campus, it was late afternoon. I sort of wanted to study for my upcoming finals, but spending so much time around my family left me feeling drained. The train delay didn’t help, either. Carly and Taylor weren’t back yet, either, and I didn’t want to talk to Patrick just yet, so I pulled out my laptop and wasted my life away on Tumblr.
Later in the evening, I escaped my stuffy walls and went to the caf to steal a bit of food to go on a full - out binge. I managed to shove a couple granola bars into my purse without anyone noticing. As I turned to hunt for mini bags of chips, I bumped into Lucas. “Hey, babe,” he greeted me with a smirk. He rubbed the side of my face with his hand. “How was your break?” I pulled his hand off.
“I’m not doing this right now with you, Lucas,” I whined in discomfort.
“Funny,” he said with a short laugh. “Because a week ago, this is exactly what you wanted.” He moved in a bit closer to me, pushing me up against a wall. I had no room to move and no way to escape.
“Please stop. This isn’t funny,” I whispered.
“Come on, love,” he continued as he ran his fingers through my hair. “You don’t want to kiss me anymore?”
“I need you to get away from me,” I said, my voice wavering. I pressed myself up against the wall harder now, feeling the cold concrete walls against the palm of my hand.
“Bulimic fuck up,” he snarled as we walked off. I took in a shaky breath and dug my fingernails into my palm. On my way out, I met eyes with Patrick, who was sitting with Manderson, Jessica, and Berkh. As stupid as it was, I started crying. I wanted to delete the past hour of my life. No, the past week. I pushed open the doors and was greeted with sharp November wind and heavy rain. The walk back to my dorm was unpleasant and lonely. I opened the door to find Taylor on her laptop at the study and Carly sitting on the floor in the corner, embroidering a dress. “Hi, Raelee! How was your -- oh, shit,” Carly said, dropping the dress and standing up. Taylor just looked at me, unsure of what to do or say. “What’s wrong?” She hugged me tight as my body shook due to the horrible weather and extreme stress.
“It doesn’t matter,” I said softly, pushing her off and walking into our side of the dorm, shutting the door behind me. I changed out of wet clothes into my soft pajamas. Carly knocked on the door. “You can come in,” I said. She walked in and sat down on the bed next to me.
