On Giving: Thinking about Generosity is enough for some.

    How many times have you had an idea about doing something nice for someone but didn't follow through?  Whether you intended to gift your money, share your time volunteering, or simply going out of your way to recognize someone, but didn't.  Have you ever considered why you didn't follow through? Was the mere thought of helping someone else enough satisfaction that you didn't actually feel the need to follow through?  We all do this to some extent. The underlying feeling that creates the impetus is probably guilt, where as our inability to follow through is rooted in several emotions like; fear, laziness, or simply greed.

    Take for instance this scenario: I work in a retail pharmacy part-time. It's a job I truly enjoy because I don't really need it or the extra income it provides.  The knowledge that at any moment I can pack up my shit and leave isn't lost on me as I'm certain that knowledge makes the job tolerable on those very hectic days.  I work with a core group of about ten other employees, ranging from Pharmacists, Entry Level techs, cashiers, to warehouse stock clerks.  Working in retail later in your life is a very humbling experience no matter where you are in your life circumstances. You get to experience all sorts of people, including co-workers, and the customers you are there to serve. We recently lost several employees as they naturally either moved on to bigger and better or simply went back to school after a summer break. Following a search for new staff we ended up hiring about five new employees ranging in high school aged teenagers to senior citizens that needed supplemental income.

    Last week I took my lunch break with one of our latest hires, an elderly woman, that was hired as a cashier.  She had remarked to me that she was pulling a ten hour shift and that standing on her feet at her age for ten hours was down right grueling. She lamented that she was simply "too old for this shit", her words.  I didn't ask what life experiences had brought her to work ten hour shifts late into her golden years. It was clear that her circumstances were different from mine. She needed that job and quitting was not an option.  I felt bad for her. I could empathize with her circumstances, I had worked in similar situations in my early career. I felt grateful that the choices I made, and perhaps situations beyond my control, had lead me down a different path, where I was able to enjoy financial stability earlier than some.  Over the next couple days, I thought a lot about this woman and her circumstances. I thought, what could I do to help her, if even just a little. Cash?  A small gift to lift her spirits? I wasn't sure which, but I wanted to do something.  

    Well...it's been a few weeks since we ate lunch together and beyond thinking about this woman and the difficult life circumstances she is in, I have not followed through with my initial desire to help her.   I have spent a little time thinking about this, and despite all the reasons I can use to justify having not yet helped her, they are all just bullshit rationalizations. First, I thought charity starts at home. I have a teenage boy I need to put through college.  Second I rationalized, I don't know this woman, how am I to assume she needs my help?  Maybe I would hurt her feelings or embarrass her with any attempt to give her money. But there again, I could have given her something privately and anonymously.  The rationalizations didn't stop there, I had thought of several more reasons why I should ignore my initial inclination of helping. 

  I would like to think that I am not the only person that does this. I know some people that are always giving so much of them selves to others, and alternatively, give nothing unless it benefits them.  I'm not saying I or anyone that is doing what I am doing is falling somewhere in the middle, because they are not. I'm just saying I see the extremes.  We like to demonize the person that is selfish. We have made a lot of movies about the concept of being cheap. The Grinch, Scrooge, the Wolves fo Wall Street, to name a few. But are they really any different from those of us that only think about helping and ultimately don't. If you think about it, they are at least being honest to them selves and others. They are able to simply say no and put the thoughts out of their head and move on. Do they simply not experience guilt in the same way I do?  For that matter, is the "Mother Theresa" type of person that seems to have an endless amount of energy and resources to give to others, so ridden with guilt that their level of altruism is an ever loosing journey to find peace? 

 If it isn't guilt, then what is the impetus that initiates the desire to help another.  Religion? Isn't guilt the fundamental underpinnings of religion? It's not supposed to be, but without guilt, the average church would be empty, I'm betting.  Is it pity? And when I ask, is it pity, are you conjuring a true meaning of pity, the sympathetic sorrow evoked by the suffering of others or the more insincere, pejorative usage, feelings of superiority, condescension, or contempt towards another?  Both really could be argued to be the impetus for feeling a desire towards helping another.  Doesn't it really, if we are being honest with ourselves, make us feel better about our situation if we can imagine, true or not, that the person we are considering helping is in a worse place than us?  How condescending does that sound?  

  I started thinking about this topic after sharing lunch with my co-worker, but as the days have passed, I have thought about it more and more and any have begun to discuss it with others in an attempt to better understand why I do this.  Making this subject even more topical is the fact that I'm writing it in the silly season, the time between Thanksgiving and Christmas. Everyone is looking for a great black friday deal, a cyber Monday steal, or generally driving themselves nuts looking for gifts for family and friends.   Have you ever considered why it's so hard to buy gifts for most friends and family? I'm betting it's because they really don't need anything. So many holidays have become  excuses for self-gratification. Christmas is just about gifts, Easter has become an event to search for candy filled eggs that for some reason a fucking rabbit is involved in hiding. You can buy a Mattress on Presidents day or Memorial day. Everyone gets fucked up drunk on St. Patty's day and Cinco De Mayo, despite being neither Mexican nor Irish.  Even Super Bowl Sunday has become a national "Holiday". Soon we will have appliances sales on September 11th.  But I digress.

   It's still a couple weeks before Christmas, 2018, Hanukkah just ended. I have donated money to Hurricane relief, to the recovery efforts from the California fires, Sarah's house, a food pantry, and to a local Foundation on "Giving Tuesday", the day after cyber Monday. I'm set to volunteer placing reefs at as many soldiers grave sites as possible on Wreath's Across America Day, this coming Saturday December 15th. But as I think about those donations or events, I didn't think about giving or helping for days, procrastinating,  before actually doing it.  All were an immediate decision.  

   I'm sure most of you reading this are in similar situations. You give to causes all the time. You donate clothes, time, and money throughout the year. You aren't Mother Theresa, but you aren't a cheap motherfucker either.  Not really sure I answered the question of why I haven't helped this woman at work yet or if I ever will.... But, maybe, I am more conscious of the best way to give to others.  If you have a thought to help someone, do it immediately, you will never regret it. If you wait, you will rationalize it away and end up feeling  like a turd.  Give selflessly as much as you can. If that is hard for you, give selfishly. You are being a douche, but it's better than a grinch.    

~ j.t. baruch