Shorts

You Were the Joke, Not Me.

My thoughts won't slow down... and I need them to. This hurts. I don't like what I see in my head. It's dark and brutal. Present selves are fighting with past selves, past selves with future selves, future selves with future selves. It doesn't stop.

The boys are back in my mind. They are always lingering. I don't know why they can't just leave. That's what they're good at. That's all I was left with- a shadow and memories, plus two shirts. That's all I have. I guess that's enough. I've moved on. I found love again, so why won't the pain stop? I don't understand.

Andrew... Andrew, Andrew, Andrew. I just think it's funny how you can go from talking to someone every day, calling them the love of your life, promising them the entire world, to gone. How did you leave me so easily, without a second glance? That's all I want to know. I need to know. I need to know how you decided to walk out of those doors and betray me, just like you were mounting your bike. Were you always this cold? I've been told no, but how can I believe that?

That first day was perfect. Do you remember? The wind rushing over our skin, our leather jackets clinging to tan skin. I can still hear the roar of your bike speeding through the backroads. I can still smell the fresh summer air as we sat by the water, looking so unafraid of whatever was going to come out of what we were quickly becoming.

You asked me out. I said yes. I asked you out next. You immediately headed to my side. You put your lips to mine, threaded your large, calloused hands through my burnt wood locks, so identical to yours. You grinned. You told me you loved me. How was I to know that it was all a lie? You were too good at this game. Is this how you get all the girls? I sincerely hope that's not the case. If it is... well, darling, you will have a gang of angry witches and warriors showing up at your doorstep. We will have our pitchforks and proof. You best believe we will bring our receipts and reasons, too.

Even now, even though I've moved on more times than I can count, you stay in my head. I still feel the knives of every lie you told, every second you got my hopes up just to send them rocketing down again, all ablaze as I stood there, petrified, screaming for the pain to stop.

I still remember your touch, sending shocks through my body, keeping me in our beautiful sort of twisted reality. You had me locked in our own little world. How was I to know you were going to cast me out? My daddy knew. I can't exactly tell how, even today. He just did. Maybe I should thank him, but I'm not entirely sure it's worth it, given all the pain it caused me.

That pedestal you had yourself on never got any lower. In fact, I actually think it got higher by the time you were done with me. In the end, I was nothing more than a speck of dust you brushed off of your shoulder without thinking about it. I was the one who was cast to the side, with no explanation. I did get the last word, make no mistake, but that's not the point. I let you destroy me. I didn't get to fight for us. You didn't fight for me. Isn't that what people who love each other do? I always thought that. Did you ever love me at all? I can't tell. You swore you did, but you swore a lot of other things, too. You promised it would be you and me together until the end of time, but you ran so far away the second you got your chance.

That's fine. Leave me with the pain of your ghost. I guess I can learn to live with that, eventually. I don't know how long it will take to forget your malicious, devil's advocate smile. Maybe it's stuck in my head forever. At least that will keep me from making this mistake again. I never should have let you in, but you were so beautiful. You were so intoxicating. Just one kiss, one touch, one sickly, malicious smile was enough to make me go weak. You got my head spinning with one 'hello'. Now, you nauseate me. Oh, how the tables have turned. I never thought it would come to this.

Maybe this isn't all bad, though. I learned a lot from you. Number one, never trust a boy with a Cheshire cat smile and talons for fingernails. Number two, run far away from the boy who laughs when he promises you the world. He's lying. Number three, the handsome boys with bikes are the most dangerous. Who would have thought that would be the case? Who would have thought this is what my life would become?

I moved on. I am dealing with what you did. Slowly, yes, but most definitely. Sometimes, the drinks are all that can rid my mind of your face, my ears of your words and sickly voice, my skin and nerves of your touch. It makes my blood boil just thinking of it. Stay gone! I don't need you to keep tearing me apart!

You left my life, now leave my mind! Who are you to haunt me for this long? It's been one year now. Did you know that? Maybe... but it's clear to everyone who knows our story that you don't give a shit. You know I despise you for what you did. You don't know that I am still getting my revenge. You don't care about that. You've forgotten about me, I guess. Of course, you have. Was it easy, or did you have to drink and slice away the pain layer by layer? Did you suffer like I did? I need to know. Please, just tell me. You owe me that much, at least.

Another thing that sticks with me is that you couldn't even bring it up. You didn't bring up any issues, or start any fights. You didn't even say goodbye. What kind of a man can't even break up with his own girlfriend if he's sick and tired of her? I guess we know the answer now... a man exactly like you. That's who. I never want to be so misfortunate to have to cross someone like you again. You are a nightmare dressed like a daydream, sweetheart. You are a nightmare I can never manage to wake up from. I hope that I never have to deal with the pain of crossing your path again. You won't like the aftermath if I do.

Is this what you wanted? Did you want me to be this torn apart, this broken and haunted, this scarred from loving you? If you did, congratulations. You've surpassed almost all the other people who have torn me apart before you. You have surpassed all but one.

I don't need to tell you that story. I think you've heard ones like this before. It's like ours, but with one hundred percent less love. Add about a hundred times the pain, and there you have it! Just another one of the boys that etched their way into my life, only to wreak havoc in a way that I can't unsee, unhear, unfeel! Did I deserve any of it? I can't tell. Some say no, he said yes. What do you think? I'll let you make the final call.

Correction: I would. I would if you cared. We both know that you don't. You never did. Don't try to make up stories. I won't believe them anymore. Your lines don't work on my now. I've heard them all. One after another, until I went numb and lost count.

I've had so much time without you. I should have forgotten your hands, the love and tenderness in your touch. I'm sorry, but I can't. No matter how hard I try to rid myself of your memories, nothing I've come up with so far has worked. I don't know why. I've tried drugs, alcohol, boys, girls. Nothing is erasing the memories that singe, crackle, pop in my head. This lonely can't take the place of you, but she can. She did. He tried and failed.

She took your place, but the memories remain. I wish they wouldn't. What I wouldn't give to forget your scent, the rush that coursed through our bodies the first time we kissed, the shudders that pleased you every time we fell, every time we got tangled up in your sheets at midnight.

Oh, how I wish I could forget. It's a crying shame that I remember every second of each and every one of those nights. I only hope you forgot about them as easily as you forgot about me. Don't worry. I'll have it tattooed for the both of us.

Someone once told me that it wasn't the good memories that shape us, butthe bad. The sick, gut-wrenching, black, throat tightening, nauseating, evilmemories create the mask and the person that lies beneath it. They created thisshell of a queen, then. Those painful days that formed the cracks, scars,and bruises create who we become when the lights go down as well as themasked, Oscar deserving performances that strike and captivate audiences thesecond those same fluorescents brighten, and the velvet curtain rises. Nextscene. Ready, set, ACTION! We are but players in this cruel world's show. Oh,how I wish that weren't true. Sadly, we both know that it is.