This Time Will Be Different

7

They arrived home and said goodnight to Detective Bergfalk. Jack carried Sarah's duffel bag; it was heavy and he wondered at its contents. When they entered the apartment, Sarah went into the bathroom and closed the door.

"Sar," he called after a minute, but all he got back was the crackling of their shower turning on. He lay on top of their unmade bed and closed his eyes.

A few minutes later, he returned to the bathroom door and knocked. "Sarah," he called again. All he heard was the water. He imagined the worst: empty bottles of Tylenol rolling around on the counter, blood flowing irretrievably from slit wrists down the shower drain. He was almost surprised when he turned the doorknob and it clicked open: unlocked.

Steam greeted him. He pulled back the shower curtain and saw his wife standing with her eyes closed, letting the water flow down her hair, her face, her breasts, her stomach. The bruise on her neck had darkened. She opened her eyes. "Hi," she said.

"I just thought I'd check to see if you needed anything." "No, I'm fine."

"Okay. No rush." He turned to leave.

"Hey. Are you going to shower later?"

He had showered earlier in the evening, but another shower would do him good. "Probably, but take your time."

"You want to just come in with me? For efficiency?" she said, an inside joke, an excuse they used to make to fuck around in the shower, although he was positive that wasn't what she meant this time.

"If you want privacy, I can wait."

"No, come on."

He undressed, placed his folded clothes on the counter, and stepped into the shower.

"Can you soap me?" she said. He obliged, making sure to get every inch of her. Normally, he might playfully linger as he soaped her small breasts or between her legs, but this time he went over those areas without lust— like how he might imagine washing a child. Sarah rinsed off and offered to reciprocate, holding the bar of soap, a question, in front of Jack. He shook his head "no" and took the bar from her.

"What happened?" she asked. Three fingers of her left hand traced a trio of parallel scratches from his right shoulder down and across his chest. He hadn't noticed these before but knew how he'd gotten them.

"I don't know," he said and started soaping himself, scratching out the marks and making sure to scrub hard around his crotch.

After they dried off and dressed for sleep, they lay in bed for a while with all the lights off, except for the reading lamp on Jack's nightstand. There was so much that he wanted to tell her but knew he couldn't. "We didn't really talk about what happened," he said, "and that's okay if you don't want to talk about it. But if you do . . ."

She exhaled. "What is there to talk about?"

"I don't know. It wasn't very long...before Paul came down. So there probably isn't anything. But if there is, you can talk about it . . . I mean . . . did he? The guy?"

"No," she said. "I don't think so. Definitely nothing major. I couldn't breathe. He had me by my throat. I passed out for a second. But I don't think there was time for anything."

"That's good," he said. "But even if there was, we would get through it. Together, I mean . . . I mean, I'm here for you is all."

He meant every word but felt like a hypocrite.

"Yeah," she said. "Can you call the dentist tomorrow and see if I can get an appointment?"

"Yeah. Okay."

"You can tell him I got mugged."

He waited a while before he spoke again.

"Are we okay?" he said.

Her only response was the sound of her breathing.

"Are you asleep?" he said in a whisper, in case she was.

"No."

"I know it's a stupid question," he said. "I know we're not...But I was thinking...maybe we could try to start over a little, wipe the slate clean. You know, sometimes I think back and wonder if it's just nostalgia and remembering everything through rose-colored glasses, but then I stop and it's like, no. It really was that way. Remember how great things were? When we met in Ireland and for a long time, really . . ."

"I remember."

"So?"

"So tonight may not be the night to talk about this," she said, kissed him on the cheek, and rolled over so that her back was facing him.