words left unspoken

thank you, next.

29/11/18
...
'just friends';
absolute bullshit,
if you were to ask me.
if i am going to be 100% with you,
and i have told you multiple times
that i would be nothing but honest,
then i am just going to start off by saying;
what kind of friend goes around
saying shit like that to poor,
innocent girls?
and since when have 'friends'
asked for things
like intimate photographs
and to have sexual relations or to,
in other words,
f**k?
that is not what a friend is for.
the definition of a friend is;
'a person with whom one has a bond of mutual affection, typically one exclusive of sexual or family relations.'
am i missing some fine print somewhere?
saying that friends should be asking
for things as intimate as that?
saying that i should go around
to all of my friends
telling them that i see a future with them
in which we get married
and have a family
and grow old together?
am i missing something?
in my opinion,
those things that you asked for
should be saved for your partner;
the person that you are consistent with
and like i've said multiple times,
nothing we had was ever consistent,
it was perfectly inconsistent;
consistently inconsistent, at that.
being asked for things like that is,
again in my opinion,
one of the most degrading things
ever.
it hurts to now know
that everything that you said to me
was only because i wanted to hear it;
you didn't mean it.
why would you mean it?
why would anyone ever mean that?
especially when it comes to somebody like
me.

so yes, i still have feelings for you
and they still go so deep,
but boy,
i am pissed beyond words.
after all that i told you,
about my troubles with trust
and my doubts when it comes to boys,
you still went ahead and led me on,
you went ahead and used me,
you went ahead and decided that you didn't need me when i didn't give you what you wanted,
you went ahead and ditched me.

i find it interesting how people discard of other human beings so quickly,
as if people don't have feelings
and the consequences to the action
of leaving someone, all of a sudden,
being immense heartbreak and extensive pain.
how is it even possible for people to be
materialistic in the ways of people?
temporally inadequate?
selective of sorts?
indecisive?
who knows, but i do know for sure that i feel like i have been discarded and left to waste away.
and you don't even care.
and it is not a nice feeling.

you were the second boy that i have ever kissed
and that means a lot to me,
but turn the tables?
i guess i am just another girl to add to your list;
just another girl to tick off.

i hope that i was good enough to somewhat distract you from the in between moments in which you were bored. and i hope that i managed to effect you in some positive way. i hope that i managed to help fix you or maybe a small part of you, this is pretty far fetched, but i really do hope that i helped in some way, small or large.

but now, i am done.
i am not letting that happen again.

so
thank you,
next.