Sunflowers And Mud

Cause Life Is Some Real Shit

It burned, burned like
F I R E
Constricting my airways like an
A N A C O N D A
I prayed and declared the pain gone...
But you went ahead and made me a
L I A R

I thought you would help with the smoldering.
With the suffering in my throat..
I can't
EAT...

DRINK

TALK..

B R E A T H E...

No matter what I did or said,
What lollies I ate or words I prayed.

It did not go away..

And then when finally the aching eased..
NOT ceased..

It moved...

Moved to my nose, my face.
My HEAD.
My bones.
I ache all over, hurt all over.

See I thought I had my gate open.. WIDE OPEN.. For you..
But no, you say I need them walls DOWN!! Down you say!!
As if I can break them..
As If I can crush them..
As If I.

I

ME

Can

Obliterate them.

I can't..

I can't.

The most I can do, Is..
Is say to you Lord;

I love you.
I love you, but sometimes I don't feel your love in return.

Actually that's not true.. It ain't no sometimes.. it's ALL THE TIME! I don't think I've ever truly felt you. Your love. Ya know I, preach and I argue for you all the time. When in reality I only do that because I am not
C O N F I D E N T

I am not confident in myself, in you, in who I'm supposed to be..
This may not make much sense to people but you..

YOU know..

You know what this crazy girl is going on about.. like hey girl, what you writing a poem about a sore throat man!? When you can be writing about Jesus!

Why are you writing poetry about your achy waky muscles, when you can be telling these guys about TGN!! You know what that is darl, THE GOOD NEWS!! That's what the Gospel is all about right!!??

NO..

It's not, because yeah sure I can talk about Christ as much as my vocal chords will allow. But will that help..? No, because some people will either think I'm on crack, bible bashing them, or am some religious freak.
..
Because EVERYONE gets a sore throat. EVERYONE has experienced a pain like that. EVERYONE has had a stuffy nose, or a pulled muscle.
It's when you can talk about those things and use those things as focal points, do you get a message across.
Because when you talk about LIFE!
You talk about them..
People listen, people read it because they feel as though it for them that you're writing this..

Am I talking to God right now? Am I talking to myself? Am I talking to a figment of imagination? Picturing my phone as a person to rant to, well maybe, maybe all of the above.
What matters is that I talk.
Because with this generation now, a voice is everything.

I'm through with being silent.
I'm done with satan and his LIES!! I thought it was God that was a liar, but it was only because I believed in the devil more than I believed in Jesus. I believed that I wouldn't get healed.. no matter what I said no matter what I prophesied over myself It was still there inside me... The doubt, the worry, the little seed of unfaithfulness.. it likes to eat me up. Likes to tear out my insides. Spreading fear through my body, my soul.. My spirit.

My Spirit is DEAD...
My Flesh is WEAK..
My Soul is I don't know..

But I will survive!! And My Spirit will thrive, these dry bones will come alive.. And I have the authority!! I HAVE the POWER to do anything and everything I put my mind to..

Including having the one thing in the universe that I've always wanted but never really let down my walls for.
I'm not scared anymore. Sure there's a little worry, but I'm hoping my faith is enough to overcome that doubt..
I've been afraid that I'll disappoint you.. more over I've been afraid I'll be disappointed by you.
I don't want to do that to you. I don't want to hurt you and I think thats one of the reasons why I've avoiding you.
Why I've been turning away, because I know.. I KNOW that I'll screw up, I'll do something wrong, I'll inevitability tear this apart.. God I want a relationship with you, I want you in my life.
I want you.
I need you.
How do I live?
How do I really live?
How do I put down my insecurity. My desire to be perfect. My wondering thoughts??

God HOW do I do this?

My dream is to one day have my name printed on the front cover of a book. To have something I've written be read by billions.
To inspire people, to entertain them. To leave alittle something in this world.
How can I do that, when I can't even..
When I can't even..
How Lord?
How God, when I don't feel....
When I don't,

I can't even finish the sentence... Just gasping for air, breathing in soo deeply. Sometimes I feel as though I'm just floating,

Floating, drowning.

Be my ANCHOR.

Jesus hold me.

Hold me close so I can breathe fresh air, feel the breeze upon me.
Hold me tight and don't let go, because if you let go, if I let go.. Which I know my idiotic self is bound to do.
I don't know if I can handle it another time. The water is gonna suck me down God, and I'm not gonna be able to pick myself up again.
And as I'm writing this.. Snotty tears and all, with so many different topic changes.. I mean every word...

I'm angry at you! And I'm angry at myself, I'm mad at the world for being so cruel. People for being so heartless.

I'm lost, God I'm lost. I know.. I've been told a thousand times, that you're gonna leave them ninty nine folk for me, That you're gonna be rescuing me...

I'm okay now, but..
If I fall again, into that lake of despair, depression and anxiety...
I don't think I'll have the strength..

I was about to say more. But you put this into my head.

"Please take from me, my life. When I don't have the strength to give it away to you!"
-Third Day

On that final note, I don't know why that made me happier but I'm going to end this here and know I'll be sleeping peacefully tonight...

I hope...

From the sunflower seed that's stuck growing through mud.

The girl who's discovering herself and dealing with with some real shit..

🌻

Nadea x