They say that your life flashes before your eyes as you die. I guess that's true; it's what's happening now. It's almost as if I'm looking into a calm, still lake, seeing a reflection of a lost face which is part of a body that I used to call my own. Reflection. I like this word: it has a soft ring to it. Reflection, yes, I am reflecting on my life...of what just happened.
I hear quiet sirens that sound so close, yet so far away. A cry - the sound of a breaking heart. I don't understand. Why are you crying? You should feel happy, alive. You're so young, so innocent; how could I not save your life?
***
My alarm goes off, but it doesn't startle me. It blinks, flashing 6:30 am/17th November at me. I switch the annoying beeping off. Today I know what I'm going to do. I'm going to change someone's life forever. Maria Banks. The girl I used to bully.
I roll over onto my back and stare at my ceiling. I'm thinking about you, Maria. We used to be best pals. It was almost as if we were inseparable: like dried super glue on plain paper. But one day you said something to me and I just snapped. I'd been having issues at home with my sister and parents and was feeling irritated. Usually, it would pass, like a cloud in the breeze just drifting by, but instead, I just kept jibing at you, regardless of how you were feeling. When my dad left home, you tried to comfort me, but I just got nastier and nastier and you got more and more withdrawn from me. Others joined in - eventually, you were being bullied by nearly everyone, everywhere.
I sigh. I never meant for that to happen, not like that, not at all. Recently I'd been feeling really down and sad, missing your presence. And the day that I tried to make it up to you, you died. I watched, star-struck and horrified, as that silver truck veered around that corner. It didn't stop in time. Screeching tyres. A loud smack. The sound of crunching bones. A reverberating slap as your body hit the road. A scream, my scream. Flashing lights. Sirens echoing. A painful headache, and before I knew it, I was awake. Again. To the same resounding alarm blaring off into my ear at 6:30 am on the 17th of November.
I was haunted. I arrived at school confused. It couldn't be the 17th; it was the 17th yesterday... wasn't it? Was it all a dream? Then I saw you - in exactly the same place you were yesterday, wearing the same clothes with the same classes that you had yesterday. I felt uneasy; nothing felt right. The day went on; there was a tense feeling growing in my stomach. I couldn't talk to you, Maria, I couldn't face you. Replaying over and over in my mind's eye was the image of you...your lifeless body hitting that road.
So it's safe to say that I was doubly horrified when I saw it happen again at exactly the same time and place as it had in my...vision? Dream? But what I know was it happened again. And when I succumbed to sleep that night, I woke to an alarm that sounded out at 6:30 am, with an intimidating flash of the date: 17th of November. Repeating, just like yesterdayand the day before that. I felt sick. I walked into school and saw you, but I didn't see you. Instead, I saw an echo of you. I collapsed on the floor, crying out. I blacked out, only to wake later to discover the news. You were dead. Again.
I woke the next day, the next yesterday, shaky, but with a look of conviction. I'd thought the situation over and over in pure amounts of detailed determination. It was clear to me now. I was in a time loop. There was something that needed to change. I knew what it was. I needed to save your life.
Now here I lay. Today is the day. I'm going to save your life, Maria. I'm going to save you.
***
Today I observe. I breathe. It's a beautifully sunny day today, I never realised that. Every time I see you, I'm sure to look you in the eye and give you a soft smile. I even wrote on a piece of paper a list of one-hundred different things that I love about you. Your radiant smile, your white, white teeth, how your laugh is loud, contagious and rings out softly.
Today, I watch as you cross that road. You're looking down at your feet, engrossed in your thoughts. Shining silver, the truck veers around that same corner it has all those other times. I break out into a run, a sprint. I finally feel free; a bird soaring amongst the calm dusk sky. You gasp as you realise the vehicle is about to hit you, but I get there first. I close my eyes and tense, bracing for impact. My shoulder slams into you, knocking you clear from the path of that blasted truck. I hear your scream of shocked surprise before I feel the strike of the bonnet radiate through me. Time seems to slow and I'm aware of the throbbing beat of my heart resounding throughout my body.
I feel a sense of absolution. I am free. And I hear sirens that sound so close, yet so far away. I hear your cry of pure loss and sorrow. I see blurs of people rushing towards me as I blink slowly one final time. My last thought before I slip away is this, Maria: Don't be sad. I can see now. I'm with the stars.
