Ella Revival

How Could This Happen To Me?

It was dark. Thick covers of gray clouds had completely overshadowed the once stellar panorama of twilight. 

Yet, dim is the sky may be, it is clear to me what is going to happen tonight. As clear as the vigorous river I am descrying beneath me. The crushing waves on its turbulent surface roll against the solid walls that confine them with utmost rage, whilst the violent outbursts of wind lash everything with their potent blows in manifest conspiracy. And as if not enough hatred is on view, millions upon millions of large droplets of cold liquid from above also join the vicious ensemble, soaking the ground in slippery maze. 

I know. I get it. This is all my damn fault. I did this to myself. It was own stupidity that led me to this depressing end, to this heart-breaking misery that numb, even paralyzed, me from anymore pain. For I myself had concocted this poisonous agony to no avail. 

Ok. Inhale, exhale. Repeat. 'Just breathe, loser. Breathe while you still can. Coz later, you might be breathing your last.' 

Even now, I could readily feel the frost surging inside my defunct soul as Hades urgently calls upon my name from his bottomless underworld, beckoning me toward his ebony bosom. And like an instant response, I press even closer to the wet railing of the bridge where I stood, the sole thing that prevents me from coming to him. 

From here, I glanced down thoughtfully at the waiting inferno of waters below. I smiled without humor; it's quite lucky no other living creature should witness this hopeless drama I am going to stage. I surely don't want to share my awful burden with anyone else. 

Enough with all the delay, I willingly-Ha ha. Perhaps gladly, I step onto the raised platform and stretch my arms wide, as if I am to fly. But no, I'm not going up; I'm going the other way. 

This is it. 

I wish everything would just go blank after this. That my heart would simply halt its rhythmic beats leaving my senseless lifeblood frozen to infinite oblivion. That when the stained curtain falls, the tired actress will rest in peace at last. 

I took another leap. More critical. Closer to my cessation. Wind and rain blew past me, and I grew drenched and chilled even more. Then, a sudden query came to me: "Why is this life so unfair? So hard, when all I ever wanted is to be happy? Is that too much to ask?" 

I gaze around questioningly, my eyes falling on the lighted metropolis where I could picture thousands of people enjoying the night in the comfort of their cozy homes under their warm blankets. Not even one seemed to care about a desperate girl who, by any minute now, will be no more. 

But someone has used to. Someone had actually taken pains over my petty existence before. 

I know it's kinda late for this now, but I can't stop myself from wondering what would have become of me if...well...if I chose to stay with him. If I remained faithful. If I ever heed his words. Or if I did listen to his constant reminders and abide in him till now. Maybe, everything would've turned out differently. My life would've been a bit worthwhile... 

Closing my heavy eyes, I found myself in the day I first met him. I was also in one of my desperate times back then. Like a real hopeless creature I am. Funnily, it all started with a deal; when I shamelessly proposed a very selfish offer to him. Something he didn't actually mind, in fact, he gave me more than what I asked for-and unknowingly needed-my freedom. Finding at the same time a great love that had me to desire good, to trust and believe rather than just living inside my own selfish egoistic border. And from that moment on, I felt I'm not the same girl I once was. Like I'd been born anew, and the whole universe had also changed into a beautiful place of endless positivity. 

But like a real fool I am, I went away. I left his side to live my own selfish life as before. As if thrashing everything he'd done for me, I went back to the filth where he had pulled me out. 

So now I am freaking wasted. I am worst than a stinking shit. I am totally hopeless. 

If I could, then I would, just find my way back to him. If he would accept me again, I'd rush back to his loving arms-I'd come home. 

However, I walked past that crossroad already. I had chosen this path of desolation myself. There's no turning back now.