London's Finest

The Circus

"Hurry up!" My mother yelled. I scrubbed the patio floor faster, my silver heart pendant banging against the floor. Mama was particularly stressed out today. My mother took a puff of her cigarette and put it out before going inside. It was November of 1890. My mother and I lived in a huge house. Well, we were the servants. My father left us ten years ago when I was three. Mama was bitter ever since my father left us. He had no real reason, at least from what I knew, and that's what killed Mama the most.
"Mama, I'm done!" I called.
"Then get started on the windows! I told you that earlier!" Mama sighed. I really don't know if she loves me all the way through. During the day she would yell at me. If she was especially stressed or angry, she would call me names. At night, it was different. We shared a bedroom at the manor we worked at. Lord and Lady St. Claire didn't treat me any better either. They were the ones who lived in the manor and they treated us like dirt.
"Genevieve!" Lady St. Claire screeched. She was an older woman with a snow white wig that covered her brown hair that was greying.
"Coming, my Lady!" I dropped my sponge and ran up to her bedroom.
"Brush your hair, you look like a rat! Come, bring this glass downstairs,." sShe said, fixing her wig in the mirror. I took the glass and rushed downstairs into the kitchens.
"Here, Cedric." I handed him the glass and ran back to the windows. Cedric was another servant, but he was valued higher than me. It seemed like everyone was in this damn manor. I scrubbed away, hoping someone would come and take me away from this place. The clock struck nine. I could stop working now, thank God. I was exhausted. Mama sighed and collapsed on her bed. Lord St. Claire snuck into the room.
"You there... out!" hHe yelled. Lord St. Claire rarely called me by my name. Mama looked at me, fear in her eyes. Lady St. Claire didn't know what her husband did to Mama every night. I was often sent out of the room, even in the freezing cold. I ran outside and sat on the steps, thinking of ways to pass the time. I heard music coming from the town. Curious, I crept across the yard and climbed up onto the shed roof.
"Join us! A roof over your head, three meals a day, and the best family you could ever ask for," A man in a red coat called. I had a roof over my head and well, one meal a day, but the best family I could ever ask for? That's what I needed. I loved Mama, but both of us needed an escape.
"Gin, you can come back inside now..." Mama stood in the doorway, looking exhausted and depressed. She had a red mark on her cheek and one on her collarbone. She nicknamed me Gin after her favorite drink. One of these days, I want to find my father and slap him as hard as I can. He and Lord St. Claire were to blame for my mother's constant hostility. Tomorrow was Sunday. I'd be able to go out with Mama and see if the circus was still there. I would bring Mama as well. I ran back inside, Mama closing the door behind me.
"That damned witch was right. You need to brush your hair," Mama said, grabbing her hairbrush and sitting next to me on my bed. I relaxed as she ran the brush through my strawberry blonde hair. Lord St. Claire told me to chop it off because "it couldn't decide whether or not to be yellow or orange," but I ignored him. Mama loved my hair. She said she preferred mine over her dark brown hair. I think that's all she had to remember my father by, but I don't know what he looked like.
"Mama?" I looked over at her as she continued to brush my hair.
"Mm?" She continued to brush my hair.
"Can we go to the town circle? There's some stuff I saw at the stall with the pretty dresses that I wanted to look at," I said, lying to my mother.
"Um... okay. I need to go to my doctor tomorrow. Can I meet you in the town circle when I'm done?" sShe asked.
"Sure," I said. "Mama, why do you need to go to the doctor? Are you sick?" I was nervous.
"No, I don't think so. I'm just kind of nauseous and my stomach hurts a lot more than usual. Don't worry about it, Gin."
"Okay."
Mama was young. She shouldn't be getting sick. She told me once that there were complications when I was born because she was sixteen and I was born out of wedlock, but that didn't make sense to me. Mama finished brushing my hair and blew out the candle lighting our room. I crawled into bed, pulling the knitted blanket Mama made over me. I pulled the scratchy woolen one over the soft one to keep me warm. Mama sat on her bed, leaning on the wall. She took a bottle from a box under her bed and drank all the liquid from it. She began to cry, muffling her cries with a handkerchief. Mama took out a few more bottles and drank all the liquid from every one of them. She rubbed her head and passed out, dropping the bottle on the floor. I picked it up and threw it away. Afterward, I grabbed my soft knitted blanket and placed it over Mama, adjusting the rolled-up dress she used as a pillow. I got scared and climbed into bed with her. She put her arm around me as I hugged her and rested my head on her free arm. I woke around seven the next morning.
    "Mama, we need to go. It's almost time for your appointment!" I shook her awake.
    "Okay, okay!" Mama rubbed her temples and rolled out of bed. I threw on a clean dress and I brushed my hair. We walked into town.
    "I'll meet you here." Mama patted my shoulder and strode off to the doctor's office. I saw the circus man in the circle. I walked up to him.
    "Well aren't you a pretty little girl?" hHe said, the crowd around him splitting into two so I could walk through. He had reddish hair and white gloves with a red tailcoat. He wore black trousers and a top hat. "Any special talents?"
    "I don't know... I'm a servant. I haven't had much time to do anything fun. But I'm sick of it! My master and mistress treat me and my Mama horribly. Can I join and we can see what I'm good at? I don't care if I have to set up nets or help with acts. Please, just let me join!" I said, begging.
    "Well. of course. Feel free to bring your mother. All are welcome!" hHe said, handing me a flyer.
    "Thank you," I said, retreating back to the town center. Mama sat on her bench, head in her hands.
    "Hey, I-- Are you okay?" I asked, sitting next to Mama.
    "Yeah. What were you gonna say?" She dabbed at her eyes with a handkerchief.
    "Look what I got!" I said, holding up the flyer. Rage filled Mama's eyes and she ripped it out of my hand.
    "Why the hell do you have this?!" sShe yelled.
    "I- The man there told me I'd have three meals a day, a roof over my head, and... nothing bad. He said you can join too!" I said, nervous.
    "I'll be damned if you're gonna join. And there's no way I'll join either. Do you wanna end up like me?!" sShe said, crumpling up the flyer and throwing it away.
    "What?"
    "Never mind. We're going home. Right now," sShe said, grabbing my wrist and striding back towards the manor. I made eye contact with a man who was with the circus. He had silver hair and bright blue eyes, but he looked young. He smiled, patted his pocket, and pointed at me. I stuffed my arm in my coat pocket, and there were two flyers. I smiled and Mama yanked me. I would have to run away and join by myself. Night fell and I sat on my bed. I waited until Mama drank herself to sleep and I packed some of my things. I grabbed a flyer and ran out the door, and I never looked back. A few hours later, I reached the town center. The man in the red coat was still there.
    "I'll join you,." tThe man smiled.
    "Wonderful! What's your name?"
    "Genevieve. But everyone calls me Gin," I said.
    "Welcome to our family, Gin. I'm Edward." He held out his hand, which I shook. We stood outside all night and all day, hoping someone would join. I got tired and I sat on the carriage. I saw Mama walking through town, tears in her eyes. My heart dropped to my stomach. Mama sat down on our bench and began to sob. Tears formed in my eyes.
    "Darling, what's wrong?" I looked up. A woman with snow white skin and jet black hair looked up at me. Her eyes were grey, but the whites were red and watery. She wore a long black pants and a leather shirt. She had a birthmark in the shape of an hourglass on her neck. A cloud of smoke enveloped me. She was gone. I turned around and she was stood right behind me, a pipe in her mouth.
    "Nothing..." I said, looking down. She grabbed my face and looked in my eyes.
    "You miss your mother," sShe said. Was she a psychic? I didn't think psychics were in the circus.
    "Widow, leave her alone," sSaid the man with silver hair. She looked up and down at him.
    "Okay..." sShe said. Widow left a cloud of smoke behind her as she turned. She was gone. I sat inside the carriage and closed the door. I started to sob. I looked out the carriage window, and Mama looked down at the seat next to her on the bench. Mama took a bottle from her purse and drank, dabbing at her eyes with a napkin. Mama threw the bottle on the ground and ran off sobbing. I looked down at my knees. When she said "you don't wanna end up like me," what did she mean? Edward opened the door and sat down next to me.
    "What's wrong?" hHe asked, putting his hand on my shoulder.
    "I miss my mother..." I said, as Edward offered me a hankie.
    "What about your father?" He asked.
    "I don't know him. Mama only told me that my father abandoned us when I was three. I saw a picture of him and he kind of looked like you, but he was younger in the photograph. Mama told me he was dead,." I said. Edward's bright blue eyes went to a cold grey. He took his hand off my shoulder.
    "He's dead. Get over it,." Edward left me alone in the carriage. A few hours later, everyone came into the carriage. Widow sat next to me.
    "Darling, come here." She held out her arms and I hugged her. I buried my face in her arm, the way I did with Mama.
    "I miss my Mama..." Widow patted my head and I fell asleep in her arms. When I woke, I was far away. Widow was still with me.
    "Sleep well?" sShe asked.
    "I guess. How about you?" I asked.
    "Oh, I don't sleep. I have many better things to do,." sShe said, taking a puff of her pipe.
    "My mama always said to sleep when you were young so you wouldn't die early on," I said, crossing my arms.
    "Well, I'm not so young. I was born in well... I'm not so sure. But I looked vaguely like you,." I was shocked.
"What do you mean?" I said, furrowing my brow.
"I was found in an alley. No one knows what year I was born exactly. I had light brown hair, green eyes, and freckles. I went by the name Hazel. My hair isn't dyed. I don't know why it's turned black. My eyes, well, I don't know about that either. But they got more and more grey as time went on. I had a husband and a daughter, but they... they died. I fell in with the wrong crowd and later ended up here. It's better than nothing." She took a puff of her pipe. "Why are you here?"
"I used to work for a manor. My mama and I were servants and... bad things kept happening so I left. I wanted to bring Mama with me, but she didn't want to go. I don't know who my father is. But I miss Mama," I said, looking out the window.
"I see. Well, maybe she'll change her mind and she'll come find us." Widow patted my hair and blew her smoke out the window. Edward grimaced at me, looking over at the blonde woman next to him.
"Lis, tell Gin that she needs to learn her place," hHe said. Lis, the trapeze apprentice, looked at me with fury in her eyes. Apparently Widow was her teacher and raised Lis as her own. Lis thought I was trying to take over. When we arrived at the building, she flicked her braid in my face. Widow snapped, and Lis turned around.
"What?" sShe said, glaring.
"What do you say?" sSaid Widow, hands on her hips.
"Sorry." Lis strided away.
"Don't worry about... it." I looked up at Widow as snow fell on my head.
She blew her smoke and put her arm around my shoulder. She was tall and lanky, and I was rather short.
    "I raised her. She gets jealous." Edward and Widow trained me in the massive circus tent, seeing what I was good at. I couldn't throw knives, eat fire, or charm snakes. Widow refused to give me a job as a maid. I got along with the animals really well and I was good with trapeze. I was strong and I could be thrown easily.
    "I don't know where to put her." Edward looked over his notes.
    "She's light and flexible. I could put her on trapeze with Lis," said Widow, puffing out her smoke.
    "They don't get along well. And you know Lisabeth's history with opium and her promiscuity. She could be a bad influence on Gin here. She's thirteen." Edward looked me over.
    "Put this on. It used to belong to Lis but she outgrew it and now wears that thing." Widow handed me a bag full of shimmery white clothing and looked over at Lis, who was wearing a "costume" which was just a pink corset that had a bottom. I ran to the huge network of tents that housed people, had changing areas, dining areas, and so much more. I looked out of place in the frilly white skirt and white corset with pink accents, but I liked the white shoes. Widow came in, looking like the complete opposite of me.
    "Darling, you're wearing the corset backwards." She readjusted the corset so it was facing the right way, and laced it up tight.
    "Is it too tight?" sShe asked.
    "It's too loose,." I said.
    "Hmph," she said, shoving a candy in my mouth. "We need to fatten you up."
She brushed my tangled hair, braided it, and put it up in a bun. I was sat down while Widow and three other women put makeup on me. When I looked in the mirror, I almost didn't recognize myself. My skin looked the same despite being powdered white. My eyes had shimmery powder on them and my lips were a glossy pink. Widow kept shoving candies, bread, and various other foods in my mouth as they worked.
    "There we go," she said. Edward walked in, and threw his notepad in happiness.
    "Look at you!" hHe said, walking around me. I looked down at my feet, and my eyes shifted around. One of the women knelt down next to me.
    "Your parents would be proud," she said, her hand on my shoulder. Edward turned cold and left.
    "Get her an undershirt. She looks like a prostitute." Edward strode out of the room. Widow got me a shirt to wear under the corset, and rushed off to adjust Lis' corset which was showing way too much. I sat down at the table, fumbling with my heart pendant that Mama bought me so long ago.
    "Lis, if you keep doing this, you're gonna be kicked out." I peeked through the curtains of a tent and Widow was pulling up the bright pink corset Lis was wearing. She took a puff of Widow's pipe, who promptly snatched it from her and wiped it off. Did Widow smoke opium? I knew Lis had a problem with drugs, but I was more concerned for Widow. Lis saw me peeking, and I ran. Lis chased after me and I ran as fast as I could. Widow chased after Lis, and I hid behind the lion's cage, who seemed content with me behind him. I made eye contact with Widow, who looked away and waited until Lis gave up her search. Our first show was tonight. Edward instructed me to stay with Safiri, the lion tamer. He was very tall with dark skin and kind eyes. His hair was shaved off and he had very long fingers.
"Hello Gin. I'm Saf." He knelt down and shook my hand. From what Edward told me. I was apparently part of the lion taming act. Saf unlocked the cage the old lion sat in. He prowled up to me and nuzzled me.
"Aw, he likes you. That doesn't really happen with new people." Saf chuckled and brushed the lion's fluffy mane. "All I need you to do in the show is to be calm and do what I tell you to, okay?" hHe said.
"Okay," I said.
"This is Leonidas. He gets nervous when other people are nervous, so it's real important to stay very calm. He wouldn't hurt anyone for the fun of it. Go ahead, you can pet him. Just not on his legs or near his mouth." Saf brought Leonidas towards me on a leash. I reached out to pet Leonidas, who looked me in the eye. I stroked his head and his mane, and he sat down.
"You're a natural at this," he said. I sat down next to Leonidas and he put his huge paw on my head, messing up my hair. Saf laughed and gave me a piece of meat to feed to Leonidas. I held it above his head and he opened his mouth, and I dropped the meat in. I snuggled up against Leonidas and it hit me. I used to snuggle with Mama like this. It was late. She was probably having a 'few' drinks. Widow came in and saw me snuggling with Leonidas.
"Having fun, are we? It's time for bed. We leave at four o'clock in the morning,." Widow beckoned and I got up.
"I'll see you tomorrow," I said, smiling at Saf and Leonidas. I followed Widow to our sleeping quarters. A second bed was placed in Widow's room. Hers was covered in black clothing. She never used her bed for sleep. A curtain separated her room from Lis' room. It reeked of smoke, opium, and wine. I fell asleep a little while later. The next few hours when I woke went by in a blur. I was worried about Mama, Widow, and Lis. Even the circus show went by in a blur. Saf said I did amazing, and even Widow was quite proud of me. We went on like this for a few months. I still missed Mama.
"Our next show is in Ludlow, where we found Gin," Edward said. I perked up.
"Ludlow?" I said, curious.
"Yeah..." he said, turning cold once more. What was his problem? Why did he act so cold towards me whenever I mentioned my mother or my home town? I hated it! We got into the carriage to go to Ludlow. Lis said that a man she knows paid a lot of money to have the circus come to the town he lived in. We were due to perform in Ludlow a day after I joined. I eagerly sat down in the carriage to head to Ludlow. I fell asleep in Widow's arms and woke in my hometown. Everyone was groggy from falling asleep on the cold wooden seats. I hopped out of the carriage excitedly and ran towards town.
"Where do you think you're going?!" Edward called. Saf chased after me.
"You need to help us set up. Leonidas needs to be brushed as well. Care to help me?" hHe asked, his hand on my shoulder.
"Okay, but I'm a bit peckish. There's a baker who I know nearby. I'll get rolls," I offered, eager to see everyone.
"Maybe later. Help me with Leonidas and then you can go," Saf said. I saw Lis hiding behind the carriage, kissing a man.
"Okay." I said. I helped Leonidas get out of the cage. His legs were sore and he was quite cranky. I brushed him quickly and rushed to town. I pulled up my hood to avoid suspicion. I felt a tap on my shoulder. I refrained to turn and kept walking. The hand grabbed my shoulder and turned me. It was Mama.
"Genevieve Marie Bennett, where in the hell where you?!" I quaked at her presence.
"Um..." I looked down. Mama was quite tall. She held an empty bottle in one hand. Her stomach looked... swollen. I left at the worst time. Mama was pregnant. The drinking and the stress from my unannounced departure had taken a toll on her. She looked bony everywhere except her stomach. Her eyes were red and her hands shook.
"Uh... the circus?" I said. Mama looked incredibly outraged.
"You... joined the... circus," she said, her voice shaking with fury. She grabbed my hand and dragged me to the alley.
"Gin, do you know who your father is?" sShe said, kneeling to match my eye level.
"No," I said. "You said I was born out of wedlock and you never told me who my papa was."
"I joined the circus. And... that's where you came from. I was... intimate with someone there and I got pregnant with you. The ringmaster at the time said I was no good if I was pregnant. He was right. There's a lot of danger in tightrope walking if you're nauseous and tired all the time. And your bastard of a father took no responsibility. He turned his back on me and we never spoke again. Do you want that to happen?" sShe said.
"But who's my father?" I asked.
"That's for me to know and for you to find out." She stood up and hugged me.
"Okay," I said.
"You've been gone too long." Mama began to cry. I brought Mama to meet everyone at the circus. She was reluctant but she was pumped full of wine, so I doubt she remembered. It turns out she was a big hit there and a lot of people remembered her, even Widow. I brought her to see Edward. She snapped out of her drunken stupor when she saw him.
"Helena?" hHe said, whipping around. Mama looked furious. She began to shake.
"What the hell is the matter with you?!" sShe screamed.
"What's wrong?" I said.
"Stay out of this, Gin!" They both yelled. Saf, Widow, and Lis peeked through the curtain.
"How dare you leave me?! I was sixteen a-and you took no responsibility over our daughter, y-you bastard!" Mama screamed, tears in her eyes.
"You were the one who got pregnant, you harlot! Look at you now! Some people never change!" Edward yelled, his face red. He turned to see me and everyone in shock. Was Edward my father? That couldn't be right. Surely he would have recognized me. I wasn't sad, but... I didn't know what to feel in the moment. Even Lis was shocked at what he said. Mama rushed out of the room sobbing. I followed her back to the outside of the tent.
"Why did you bring me here?!" Mom drank from a bottle, hiccuping. I ripped it out of her hands and threw it into the woods.
"Genevieve!" Mom yelled.
"You're pregnant! Stop drinking!" I screamed, tears falling down my face. I hated it when Mama drank. She looked like a skeleton with a very swollen stomach. I couldn't bear to see her like this. The child would be born soon if it wasn't already in poor health from the drinking. Mama got up and left, and walked back into town. I didn't chase after her. Saf and Widow stood behind me. Leonidas nuzzled against my leg.
"I don't wanna be here or at home,." I said.
"We can start our own... you know," Saf said, looking behind him. Edward had his head in his hands.
"Our own circus?" I whispered.
"Yes, darling. It's not a bad idea,." Widow said.
"Okay," I said. We went to bed that night, and woke late. Edward didn't wake us and we were late for a show. I ran into his room, and he was gone. His belongings were still there. There was a note on the dresser.
"Gin, I'm so sorry. I can't bear the guilt of me leaving you and your mother. It was wrong of me and I can never right myself. Goodbye. Carry on the circus for me." I read, my hands shaking. Saf came into the room, reading the note.
"Dear God, no!" He said. Widow took it upon herself to break the news to everyone. I've been set up for disappointment all my life. It doesn't matter. We packed our things and set off for London.

8 years later...
Another perfect show. I bowed, making an effort not to drop my hat again. Many people were shocked to see a female ringmaster who was twenty-one. Leonidas had unfortunately been replaced by a young lion named Nera. I believe the day Leonidas passed was the saddest day in my life. Widow was quite old now, but she still performed the trapeze with great accuracy. Lis went off with one of her boyfriends. Neither of them returned. Mama managed to clean up her drinking when the baby was born. Unfortunately, he didn't live past infancy. Mom agreed to come with us after the baby was lost. She had nothing left and didn't mourn the loss of Edward. The circus is my life now. And it'll stay that way forever.