Hey guys, I thought this journal would help me rant and stuff, and basically pour my feelings into writing.
So as I am writing this, I'm crying my eyes out.
I miss my grandpa so much. He died in 2011 to cancer, and I was really close to him.
He was pretty much my best friend, and I know that pretty much everyone says that, but I had no friends during middle school, and I felt alone.
I wish I told him everything before he died, there are so many things I would've wanted to tell him.
My suicidal thoughts, my self harm, my constant actions of coming hone crying.
Right now, I'm just thinking of how disappointed he is with me, bullshiting my way through high school with suckish grades, and the life choices I'm making.
I'm lost guys, I honestly don't know about the future, that's what is freaking me out.
I just want everything to feel numb, and even though I worry about the future, I wanna get out of high school as soon as possible.
I used to have straight A's, but I soon had depression, beginning to get C's or D's.
Now my depression is back, and I want it to go away.
But it never will, I know that for a fact that there will be days or nights like tonight.
Probably why I have trust issues, I can't seem to actually like somebody and have a relationship because I have all this shit happening in my mind.
Mitch's videos aren't helping me anymore, I actually watched one of them tonight...
I didn't laugh at all.
I feared for this to happen, like it's done in the past.
Don't get me wrong, I love Mitch and what he has done for so many people.
But I think I need to find a new muse.
And I need to figure out how to be happy again.
I'll write more tomorrow I hope, hopefully I feel slightly better.
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