DTFS

Afterwards.

Memories flashed through my head as I let my two fingers gently press against a painting of Katya after I kissed them. I miss her. I miss her smile, her personality, her embrace, her laugh. I miss everything about her.... I wanted to feel her around me, feeling safe in her arms. I miss her voice whispering in my ear explaining how much she loved me.

As I walked away, I felt as if I was leaving my heart behind. It had been years now that I haven't seen her, its just now that when I heard she was pregnant...'oh my god...a little Katya..' I missed her more than ever.

Guilt started to flow throughout my body and mind. I started to think, 'what if I didn't leave? what if she came with me? I should have never left her! I should have known!'

At this point tears were rolling down my cheeks and I was shivering. It was only 10 am when I read the letter Katya had left me and it was then that I missed her so very much.

My heart was aching and I thought I should go home, I needed fresh air to fill my lungs as all I had was pain and agony.

 Lauren was probably at home by now since she left right after they read the letter together outside to give him some personal space.

The drive home was miserable. Thoughts of Katya couldn't leave my head. It got even worse when a musical song played on the radio, and it just so happened to be the song that Katya and I danced to at our wedding. I closed my eyes for a split second, her voice replaying in my head. "we are going to be so happy together, despite everything." I opened my eyes to a horn blowing behind me as I accidentally was in the middle of the lane. I re-positioned my car and tried to focus on the road.

"hey...there you are..." Lauren said quite dull walking towards me as I entered the apartment. She hugged me, a long hug, and I needed that. She was Katya's niece and I could feel a small part of her, making my breathing steady. "Is everything alright?" she asked moving her head so it was right in front of mine. "Yeah.." I am able to say under my cold, now steady breath.

"Want some coffee? Or tea? Or I can make a small dinner, or maybe wine-"

"Lauren.." I say stopping her from ranting. "I just want to go to bed. I will gladly take you up on the offer of tea, but tomorrow. Thanks"

She says nothing as I walk up the stairs into my bedroom, fearful for what my dreams would be. Ever since Katya's death I have had horrific dreams. They became distant for a few years but now, after her letter, I fear tonight wont be a good night.

"SASHA!!" Katya screams on the floor.

I shift in my bed, my face squinted. "You could have saved her. You bastard left her." A voice repeated in my head making me move all over my bed.

"OUR CHILD!! YOU COULD HAVE SAVED ME!!!" I heard Katya scream with a crack in her voice as she covered her stomach, crying on the floor, her hands covered in blood. 

I woke up with a jump, panting. "Oh my god.." I breath, moving my hair out of my face. I was sweating and I had small tears rolling down my cheeks. I looked at the time and it was 5:14 am. I spend a couple minutes breathing, trying to forget her painful cry. I moved my blanket off my body and slipped my feet into my warm, fluffy shoes. 

It is very quiet, all I can hear though, is the shifting of blankets in Laurens room as I walk down the stairs into the living room. I finally reach and I sit on our wide, white couch. The view of New York is very exciting, and mysterious, the view calms me down. The buildings vary and the people wondering late at night is so relaxing.

"Hey.." I hear Lauren say to my left and I shift my body quickly to face her.

"Cant sleep?" I shake my head watching as Lauren sits on the couch in front of me. 

"Uncle Alex...." Lauren sits back in her chair and sighs..."I met-" She paused and hesitated. "Lauren, you can tell me" I reach forward and put her hands between mine, making her back lift of the back of the couch. "Tell me. Don't get my life messed up in yours.."

"Well, I met someone.." she starts, "...and her name is Marina...in fact I met her a while ago...and I'm not sure now is the proper time but...she asked me to move in with her and with you being like this I don't think that I should say 'yes' because-"  

"Lauren" I say, stopping her rant. "You should go." I comment shaking my head slightly. "Are you sure Uncle Alex, I can stay and tell Marina that I-"

I stare at her more intently, silently signaling her to do it. "Thank you.." she says under her breath as her hand gently removes from mine..

We wait, just staring out into the view of New York. I can feel a very small amount of tension and I'm sure so can she. "Uncle Alex...." She starts, making me look back at her. "Are you alright?..." She pauses. "Do you want to talk about it?"

 I sigh and close my eyelids, my eyes starting to burn from tiredness.

 "Katya was...different." I open my eyes.

 "Misha always had been with women and, it was very often, and with a lot of different women. Seeing all those women who came and left made me back away from them; I was caught up with work and business I figured I never had the time for, a relationship." I shift in my seat, memories coming back. "When I met Katya for the first time.." I smiled and shifted my eyes down to my hands. "it was like an immediate connection...she made me crazy about her...and it worked..I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her."

I breath, not being able to say anymore. 

We spent several seconds just sitting in silence, Katya's voice playing in my head.  'I rely on you to live the life we dreamed of...'  

"I'm going to go and sleep now.." Lauren says before she gets up and gently kisses me on my forehead. She new I needed that release, and she also knew I needed to sleep. "Get some sleep Uncle..." she whispers as her lips part from my head. She makes her way and disappears into the darkness of her room.

I am there, sitting on the couch, images of Katya flashing through my head. "I love you Katya.." I whisper before my eyelids close and I fall asleep.