Sarahyyy (Ao3)
He really needs to be given a sainthood after he dies. Saint Bai Yutong — patron saint of criminal psychologists who can't look after themselves. That has a ring to it.
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1. It doesn't count if it's a threat.
Bai Yutong is always surprised that Zhan Yao is still alive, considering his abysmal self-care routine. If it weren't for Yutong, would he think of feeding himself at decent meal-time hours? No. Would he observe good sleeping schedules? Absolutely the fuck not.
Case in point — Yutong's only just left for two days, and Zhan Yao is back to still being asleep at 3:52pm on a Saturday afternoon, highly suggestive of the fact that he must've been up till dawn, caught up in work again, even though Yutong specifically told him not to, and Zhan Yao had promised over the phone that he would go the bed at 11pm.
He spares a moment to glare at Zhan Yao, sprawled out on his stomach, dead to the world, despite the fact that Yutong's drawn the curtains open, and it's disgustingly bright outside.
He nudges Zhan Yao on the arm. "Wake up," he says loudly. "Zhan Yao, we've got dinner at my parent's place tonight. Da-jie is back and she will literally murder us if we're late."
Zhan Yao, unsurprisingly, does not respond, and so Yutong tugs at Zhan Yao's duvet. "I'm serious, you bastard," he growls. "How can you still be asleep?"
Zhan Yao, again, does not respond, but his grip on his duvet tightens, and he lets out a distressed sounding noise, the same ones he used to make when he was a child and trying to trick their mothers into thinking that Yutong is bullying him.
Oh good, so now Yutong's the bad guy, is he?
"I swear to God," Yutong says, continuing their tug of war with the duvet, "if you don't wake up right now, I'm going to kiss you."
At this, Zhan Yao gurgles out something that doesn't sound even remotely Mandarin. He still doesn't wake up, or even bother letting go of his duvet, so Yutong does what he said he would do —he is a man of his words, after all— and leans down and presses his lips to Zhan Yao's.
That, at last, has Zhan Yao's eyelids flying open.
He pushes Bai Yutong away, and wipes at his mouth with the duvet. "Bai Yutong, you-"
Yutong just smirks at him, and gets off Zhan Yao's bed. "I did warn you first," he tells Zhan Yao.
"YOU!"
"Wake up, wash up, get dressed," Yutong says, unconcerned. "We've seriously got to go. Unless you remembered to get a homecoming present for da-jie, we still need to detour to the city to get her something."
Zhan Yao blanches at that. "Da-jie is back? Today?"
Yutong just gives him a very pointed look, and laughs when Zhan Yao scrambles to get untangled from his duvet so that they can get moving.
2. It doesn't count if it's a bribe.
It's in Yutong's nature, he thinks, to worry about Zhan Yao, and it's the most annoying thing in the world because Zhan Yao, outside of academia and his terrifying competency at work, is a fucking disaster.
He's been in his study working on this paper he's writing for whatever that psychology journal he likes to read in his free time, and he hasn't taken a break in what feels like more than 24 hours to Yutong. It's only reasonable that Yutong is worried that Zhan Yao is going to keel over and die; Yutong really doesn't have time to deal with the paperwork or the hassle of having their apartment become a crime scene.
