the road to truth

-the pain

*author's note at end xx*

 "Olivia? Olivia?"

I felt someone shake and looked up, my mother took my hand and sat on the edge of the bed. Her eyes were bloodshot and it looked like she hadn't combed her hair in weeks.

"Mom," I croaked. "What's going on?" she rubbed my hands and looked at me, her speckled blue eyes were sparkling with tears.

"You...you...almost died. I ....If you did...I..." she was in hysterics now.

She grabbed me and pulled me in close where she was heaving and soaked my hospital gown.

"Mom...I'm here," I whispered.

I picked my head up slowly and saw the faces of two friends. They were smiling but I knew inside they were hurting. I squeezed my mother tight one last time, before she went to get a doctor.

"You’re going to be fine Olivia, really.” Alana Cunningham said as she and Jessie Moore sat on the creaky bed.

I sighed, brushing back the tears that my mother through upon me and leaned into the soft cotton pillow that was propped up behind my head. Though with the sweet words, the mountain of flowers and the huge amount of GET WELL balloons scattered around the room, I still didn’t feel okay. The enormous cast on my leg does not mean I’m fine. The ventilator, checking my every breath does not mean I’m well. The word that Drew is dead, the huge pang in my heart  doesn’t mean I’m going to make it without a little damage.

“But how do you know that? I mean seriously,” I motioned to my body, “I’m a mess!”

I realize now that with each word, my voice rises. Alana holds me tight and Jessie makes her way across the room, through the sea of multi-color nylon balloons and turns on the I-pod hooked up to speakers next to TV.

“You can listen to music right?” Jessie asks flipping through songs.

“Jess, she has a broken leg and dead boyfriend, but she isn’t deaf.” Alana says and I sigh even louder and dig myself deeper into Alana’s shoulder.

“Here,” Jessie says hitting the play button.

The soft hum of ‘Give Me Love’ by Ed Sheeran blares through the speakers as she sits down. They stroke my hair and tell me to close my eyes. And for that couple of minutes of just laying there, I felt okay. I felt serene, but once I started thinking, my mind racing at lightening fast speed, the only thing going through my head... Drew’s dead, Drew's dead, Drew's dead...my life begins to crumble slowly to the chords of a love song.

***

“Well you see here,” the doctor pointed a laser pointer at a giant picture of my brain.“There's mild scarring, from when you hit your head on the glove compartment.”

I sat upright in my bed, cringing. I thought actually knowing what happened, would make me feel better about the situation but right now, I don't think that's the case.

“So will that effect her in anyway?” my mother asked, another box of tissues was placed silently next to her by a nurse.  I felt like the whole entire neurology department came down to make sure I was okay. Every nurse, every doctor and every specialist, waited outside the door. They were like ninjas, waiting to attack.

“I don't think so, the broken ligament in your foot will though,” he said looking toward me.

“What do you mean?” I asked.

He chuckled, “Olivia its a broken ligament, it will take a while to repair.”

I started feeling anxious. I couldn't be cooped up in this hosptial anymore. I had to go home. 

I was released a few days later with the strict instructions from the doctor, to stay home and literally watch tv until my leg stopped throbbing. Though I still had to walk with a medical boot on and check my heart pace every other hour, they said I was in stable condition…physically. Mentally I was a wreck. I hobbled over to the car, mom on my left, my younger brother Ashton on my right and Jason pulling up the old Ford. They eased me in gently into the car.

“God Liv, you need to lose a few,” Ashton huffed as a bead of sweat trickled down his face once I buckled myself in.

“Or Ash, you need to go to the gym,”’ I said rolling my eyes

. I could hear Jason chuckle in the front. I wasn't speaking to him, because without him I wouldn't be in this situation. I guess he wasn't totally to blame, but he supplied the booze...Drew drove drunk and now...he's dead. I still couldn't wrap my head around the subject of him being gone. I mean he was just here a minute ago and now, he's not. We stopped at a red light and my mom reached behind the seat to hold my hand. She squeezed it and I smiled. Some how I was going to get through this...just not today.

As we drove through town, the busy tree lined streets of Boston, there was an unfamiliar gloomy haze surrounding us. As our car moved slowly in the mid day traffic, people turned to us and watched. Peering their heads, trying to get a better view of what was going on. They wanted to see if it was true. That Drew Maxwell, was dead. Their stares were intoxicating, and finally Ashton took my head in his hands, and wrapped me up, so I couldn't see what was going on. The situation was too hot to handle. The reality was unbearable. At a time like this...I just wanted to be stuck in a daydream.

***

Once I got home I fell right to sleep. The pounding in my head wouldn't stop as I closed my eyes and drifted off in my own bed. My own fresh sheets, my own powder blue covered walls, my own space to breathe. My pillow even smelt the same as I left it two weeks ago, iced tea and mints. Drew smelt like that also, though he added cigarettes to the mix. A tear fell onto the pillow making a mark. I brushed it off, trying to think of happy things, roses, sunshine…bunnies? But whenever something cute and cuddly came into my mind, it all linked itself to Drew. The way he’d hold me, the way he’d laugh and then snort, then we would laugh even more. I tossed and turned that whole night, my cast making it hard to keep in one place because whenever I twisted it the slightest bit, a shivering pain crept through my entire body engulfing my heart in flames. I don’t know what I was thinking ever getting used to the idea that I was okay, because clearly I’m not. How can I be stable enough to live on my own without him? Now in most cases he was an ass, not remembering our one month anniversary or my birthday or our Valentine’s Day plans…but there were great moments we shared like the time when he came to my Nationals meet, cheering me on with my parents, holding up signs to my window when I was cramming for an exam saying, ‘Just Relax’ or something like that. He didn’t need a holiday as an excuse to show affection, he just naturally did it on any given day. It was weird how things could go full circle, like how we got into a huge fight just a few weeks back and he made it up by bringing me to Candance’s party…the way that things turn out. Where a sentimental, ‘I’m sorry’ turns into a life-long distarous event that can never leave your head even though you try your hardest to let go. Even though you know you can’t. You can never let go of the past.

a/n: thanks guys for getting this to 100 reads! i'm not sure about this chapter. i have alot more to add, but i'm not sure where, so i will update it soon...but for now, tell me how you like it so far! i love the feedback (: love, miah xx