One Moment, Academy Kids 4

Apologizing

 Miles

I was an asshole. 

I didn't talk to Sasha for three days. I knew she didn't mean to be cruel. Sasha tended to barrel ahead when she thought she was right. And she often was right. But this time, she hadn't been working with full knowledge. I'd never shared my issues with her. Once I discovered I could sing for her, I never wanted her to see my cowardice. 

I was more than half to blame for what happened. If only I told her. I tried to throw away the paper work hundreds of times. I managed to actually get them into the trash a few times, but I only ever got a handful of steps away before turning around and fetching the papers out. Eventually, I gave up and tossed the packet onto my desk. I barely slept that night. Only, sat on my bed, staring at the desk, at the packet of papers on it holding all my dreams. I wanted to scream and cry and sign those god damn papers and get up on stage and sing my damn heart out and make dad Gabriel so fucking proud of me, more proud than I knew he already was. With all of that going around in my head, sleep would have troubled if I'd bothered. 

I nearly called her that day. I didn't though, still too busy stewing in all that I couldn't have. I picked up my phone a dozen times, put it back down, growled when any one tried to talk to me, got yelled at by Dad North for making Mom cry when I growled at her to go the fuck away and leave me alone. I was a mess of swirling emotional roller coaster and I hated every damn moment. I slept that night, but only out of pure exhaustion. When I woke up, I reached for my phone, scrolled through my contacts until I found that beautiful face smiling at me. I thought about calling, my finger hovered over the call button. It felt weird to not have talked to her. I talked to her every day usually. 

I set the phone down without calling her though when my eyes fell on my desk and the packet of papers. I couldn't say why, though my stomach still churned. My feet drew me to the desk, though I didn't want to go. The papers found my hand, my eyes going to information about my audition. Only a couple days away. 

could I really do this? I tossed the papers down. No, no way. I never could. Just the thought sent me into a panic. Except now, it seemed. Now I wasn't panicked. Maybe because I knew I wouldn't do it. But god how I wanted to. Forcing myself to step back, I headed down to breakfast. Well, to scrounge breakfast anyway. Dad Owen had strict rules about meal times. If you missed one, you were on your own. Thankfully, Dad North made sure we all knew how to cook.  

With breakfast scrounged, I spent time like I had the previous day. In my room warring with my dreams and my anxieties. Blaze found me there halfway through the day. I figured I would be in for some kind of big brother lecture in the vein of Scott but he just sat on the bed with me for a while. I don't know how he knew but it quieted my turmoil while he was there. After a bit, he stood and crossed over to my desk, picked up the papers still sitting there torturing me. I knew the second he figured everything out. His eyes widened a fraction before he shook his head. 

"Sasha?" He set the papers down and turned around in time to see me nod. "You should call her and apologize." he left on those words, left me realizing how big an ass I was. Not that I didn't already know. I picked my phone up again, staring down at Sasha's picture. Fuck! I needed to apologize. I wanted to apologize but I needed to figure out how I felt about everything. Preferably without my anxiety interfering. That was the issue though. My anxiety about performing overruled everything and I still didn't know why it didn't kick in when I sang for Blaze and Sasha. Maybe Blaze had a point. Maybe I should try to talk to Lacey. 

I ended up falling asleep trying to figure out how to handle things and how to apologize to Sasha and how to make things better with my mom because oh boy did I owe her a massive apology. Waking the next morning, I wolfed down pancakes and bacon and fruit and ran back upstairs. My stomach clenched and my hands shook as I picked up my phone and pressed her number.