LOVER

dancing with our hands tied

Quarter past midnight and the tears wetting her face are colder than the snow outside. Her birthdy ended an hour and fifteen minutes ago, and there were no traces left from the guests she had invited back to her New York City apartment. It had been the perfect birthday, with perfect people surrounding her, but one person had been missing from all the pictures they've taken throughout tonight. One person who she hasn't seen since that night. The night of the fourth of December. The night that had ended it all.

Taylor wiped her cheeks, sniffling loudly as her cats purred beside her head. Her lips scrunched up in a sorrowful frown, her fingers rubbing her eyes to get rid of the tears that have been stinging her eyes since midnight. Her chest rose with every irregular and short breath she took, and she placed her hand against her exposed abdomen as she pursed her lips. She looked up, bloodshot blue eyes staring at the dull color of the ceiling of her bedroom as she laid on her back on top of the fluffy and warm blankets of her bed. She was still wearing the red plaid crop top and pants combo from her performance, but she was too tired to change out of it. She was going to sleep into it, if necessary.

But she was sure she wasn't going to sleep any time soon, considering her thoughts that clouded her mind.

"Taylor, please,"

The singer couldn't look at her eyes. It was terribly early in the morning of the fifth of December, and she was sure she was having a nightmare as soon as she talked to her publicist on the phone a few minutes ago. Karlie's gaze was pleading and incredibly sorrowful, as she tried to meet her girlfriend's eyes. "Please," she pleaded once again.

"No, Karlie, I'm-I'm sorry. I can't do this, I'm sorry."

The model stared at the blonde singer, who was trembling and shaking and holding back tears. Karlie took a deep breath and with two steps she reached the other woman. She cupped her cheeks, looked at her for a moment, and then kissed her. She felt Taylor's lips quiver against hers, and pulled away when feeling her fingers get wet. "We can work this out,"

"No, we can't,"

"Taylor,"

"It's all my fault and I know this but please-just please, believe me when I say that I'm sorry. But we can't do this anymore, Karlie,"

The taller girl shook her head. "I know, what we did last night was reckless but we can get through this, I know that we can, and-"

"Karlie," Taylor interrupted her, shaking her head. "We can't. I'm sorry,"

Karlie's bottom lip trembled as she took a step back from her girlfriend. Taylor wrapped her arms around herself, shaking from her own rapid heartbeat.

"I don't understand,"

The singer sadly smiled. "Since the first time I met you, I loved you in secret and in spite of fears that the world would divide us, but-this is bigger than us. This is-it's an avalanche and this will destroy us. I want you to be free before it's too late, Karlie,"

"I don't want to be free if it means being without you," Karlie replied, tears now freely streaming down her defined cheekbones. The color green in her eyes was terribly beautiful, and Taylor hated herself for being so stupid. "We got this, we can do this,"

"You don't want this. I'm a mess," Taylor said quietly, shaking her head once again.

"You're the mess that I want, Taylor," Karlie slowly admitted. "I love you," her voice, high pitched, broke at the second word, and Taylor's nails digged crescent moons on her forearms. Nothing hurt more than seeing Karlie cry. Especially if it was because of her.

"You know that I love you too," the singer replied. "But we can't. I'm sorry,"

Karlie's last bit of hope faded from her irises, as her arms hung limply by her side. The singer stared at her eyes, beautiful and emerald eyes, sure this was going to be the last time she could get lost in them.

And then, the model spoke. Quietly. Fearfully.

"Are you breaking up with me?"

One tear marked Taylor's cheek with anguish as her lips opened to say the words. "Yes." She felt her breath hitch in her throat, her heart momentarily stopping as she heard Karlie sob before the model turned her back to her, the taller woman's hands gripping at the roots of her blonde and incredibly soft hair. The singer listened to her whimpers and hiccups, her shoulders hunched as she cried quietly.

And then, without saying anything, Karlie took her coat, left the spare key Taylor has given her that summer on the coffee table and headed to the exit. The singer held her breath, and finally let it go once she heard the door slam.

She fell to the floor, and the pain on her knees was nothing compared to the one she felt on her heart.

Taylor had been so lost in her thoughts that she hadn't heard the faint but incessant knock at her front door. Confused - and wearily - she stood up, and padded her way downstairs. When reaching the door, she didn't care to look through the peephole, and opened the door carelessly.

"Hi."

Her mounth hung open as she looked up. She felt her breath slip out of her lungs; Karlie was standing before her, looking incredibly flustered but terribly beautiful. Her hair was a mess, her black coat was somewhat crinkled, but she still looked effortlessly gorgeous.

"Hi," Taylor felt herself say, breathlessly. There was a moment in which both girls stood, silently, and stared at one another's eyes. It all felt like a dream, the sound of the slight traffic outside fading into the distance. It was just the two of them. Their heavy breaths and heavy hearts. "Karlie, what-"

"Happy birthday," the model said. "I know that I'm-like-an hour late, but happy birthday, Taylor," she stuttered. They looked at each other thoughtfully, and then Karlie reached into her pocket, sliding a small velvet box out of it. The singer swallowed thickly at the sight. "I wanted to give you this. Your birthday gift,"

"You didn't have to," Taylor replied with a shaky voice, her quivering hand reaching up to grab the little box. Their hands brushed, and the singer wished she would have been braver and intertwine their fingers, instead of letting go too soon. She felt the model's eyes on her as she struggled to open the gift, but when she did, a golden chain rested upon a soft, blue silky cushion, the light reflecting on the little T that was engraved on it. "It's beautiful. Thank you so much," she whispered. She asked if she could help her tie it around her neck, and Karlie immediately agreed. The way her fingertips brushed against the back of her neck sent shivers down her whole body, as she successfully tied it. When she turned around, facing her once again, the lump within her throat became unbearable and tears spilled from her blue eyes. However, she didn't want Karlie to see how fragile she was, how weak the model's absence had made her.

Therefore she launched herself towards the taller girl, collapsing against her fit body as she wrapped her thin arms around her torso. Sorrowful tears trailed down her puffy cheeks, but even more escaped as soon Karlie hugged her back, holding her firmly as if she didn't want to let go of her.

"I miss you so much," the model whispered against her blonde hair. Being barefoot, the height difference between the two was prominent; with Karlie's chin resting onto the crown of her head and Taylor's face tucked underneath the model's. The singer could hear the sorrow and tears in her voice, and that only made her cry harder, because it was all her fault. It was her fault if they couldn't be together. It was her fault if they had let the avalanche overwhelm them. It was all her fault if she had lost the love of her life.

With all the willpower she possessed, Taylor pulled away from her warm embrace, not meeting Karlie's eyes as she said quietly, "You should go,"

She heard the model sniffle, saw her hand move up to wipe her wet cheeks. She wanted to say so many things, so many apologies but she had no time nor strength to do just that.

But then, everything was over, because Karlie turned around,

told Taylor she loved her,

and left.