time (시간)

chapter 2: gone

//present day//

-BREAKING NEWS:
BTS' PARK JIMIN HAS BEEN FOUND DEAD IN HIS APARTMENT ON TODAY, IT HAS BEEN SPECULATED THAT THE RECENT DEATH THREATS AND HARASSMENTS FROM ANTIS HAVE TAKEN A TOLL ON HIM-

I read that article for the 20th time.

"No, no, no... this can't be true. It's probably one of those false rumours, it's not a credible source,"

I mutter as I scroll furiously through my twitter feed, refreshing it every 5 seconds. It can't be possible, as my eyes flickered about frantically.

"BigHit Entertainment hasn't-"

I pause as my eyes fall upon the official statement released. My fingers drooped ever so slightly.

//// Dear Armys and who this statement may concern,

We are saddened...... that Park Jimin...... has passed away...... ////

Tears start welling up, my vision blurring more and more every single second. Denial slammed against me, as I try to convince myself that it's all a bad dream. I placed my phone aside.

"No, don't cry, you can't, Soo Hwa. No, no, what are you? A lil bitch? Your mom didn't raise you to be like this."

I hugged myself tightly, as if squeezing the life out of myself would help to repress the impending melancholy from erupting out. On cue, a tear fell. Just like the drizzle of rain before the storm. I cried. I broke down like there was no tomorrow. I cried, all the pain I've held in because he was there. Because of him, I felt strong enough to hold back all of the negativity. Because I didn't want him to live in a world where I was part of the negativity.

I wanted to be happy, to be optimistic for him. For Park Jimin.

That night, I couldn't help but think how millions are crying for him. That if my tears, my emotions would make a difference. It doesn't. There's now more than enough tears to mourn for him.

It's funny how a significant person's death can affect millions.
However, if I were to die today, no one would care. Why? I'm insignificant, a fan amongst millions others like me. With that, I sputtered out,

"Alexa, play songs that I only listen when I think that I'm in a music video and am emotionally unstable playlist."

I cried the whole night away, to "1AM" by Taeyang before eventually falling asleep, and waking up to regret the puffiness of my face.

I felt like shit. Like literal shit.

-------------

It's been 2 days since his death. It's like a taboo subject around here. Fan sites of him were either in denial or grieving over his death. No one could truly accept it, embrace the fact that he was no longer alive. A memorial service has been arranged by BigHit Ent. and the fans, about 3 days from now.

Jimin's suicide note has been released and will be shown during the memorial. I'm contemplating whether to go or not. It's too hard for me. I want, to hold on to the last string of hope that maybe, he's still alive, that he just wants to escape the hectic life of an idol.

The tighter I hold on, the weaker the string becomes, as the weight of my denial and grief piles up.

I was losing grip.

I don't want to attend. I really don't. I took a deep breath, exhaling slowly.

I should. It's the last thing I can truly do as his fan. Soo Hwa, let's do this for closure.

I closed my eyes, falling asleep to the sound of my breathing.

//end//
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a/n: it's the first chapter and it's already a heavy one to write or to even decide that I want to publish it. It's a tough choice but I have to do this. I need to. I want to thank you for giving this book a chance and not ignoring it. It may seem very very harsh at the moment but it will soften jsjsjsj. The song referenced in this chapter is above so you can listen to it:)

Thank you.
-p