Evanesce

Chapter 1

I suddenly wake up from my reoccurring nightmare from the past month and a half now. I'm breathing heavily with tear brimmed eyes trying not to pull out my hair.
Maybe this would stop happening if I could talk to someone, but everyone I know and love has proven to me countless times that I should just keep things to myself.
I can't fight it anymore as my subconscious takes over and warm tears sting my dewy skin. I slightly lean over to my bedside vanity to check the time on my phone.
It reads 6:20...Dammit.
I reluctantly shift out of bed to glance over my appearance in my mirror. I really have been looking like shit the past few days...more than usual. My eyes always have bags under them, but today they seem to stand out even more. My skin looks pale and unhealthy, like there's no life beneath it. My lips are chapped and cut up from my anxieties I'm assuming. Whatever, I go to an all girls high school as it is now so I don't really care as much about how I look, not that I cared when I wasn't.
After studying my flaws for 15 minutes, I decide I probably should get ready.
I get up, brush my teeth and hair, wash my face, and pull my hair back into an unstructured ponytail.
While getting my uniform on, my grandmother tells me that my uncle is here waiting for me.
I know it's weird, I'm sick and tired of this bullshit. I'm tired of living with my Grandma for 6 damn years, my parents missing most of my childhood, the important years anyway, the years that I needed them most. It's my fault anyway. I can't blame anyone but myself.
My thoughts come to an adjourn when I here my uncle.
"Ellie your going to be late for school, remember we have to leave at least 3-5 minutes early just in case my car acts up." He says.
"Okay I'm almost ready." I reply back.
I'm glad for the distraction though, it's best not to start off the day thinking about all of my mistakes.
When I'm done getting ready, I check my bag to make sure I have everything. My backpack is already packed for my classes today since I always pack it the night before.
I make sure I have everything with me.
Phone...check
Earbuds...check
Stephen King book...check
I think that's it I silently go over everything I need in my head, trying to be the responsible teenager everyone wants me to be.
Crap. I forgot my chargers.
I remember my last conversation with my dad over the phone with him threatening to take it away if I miss another call.
I'll admit sometimes I see that he's called and I don't want to call back.
It's not that I don't love him or anything, it's just that I can't take it.
He gets mad when I don't call arguing that I have a phone for a reason, but sounds bored as shit when I do call and sounding as if he couldn't care less about the small details about my day.
"Hello, earth to Adeline." My uncle says and I nearly jump when he does.
"You've been spacing out lately, are you okay."
I try not to cringe as he asks me that question.
I hear it to goddamn often.
My mind automatically connects with my mouth to reply to him as if on command. It's gotten so used to me saying these four words.
"Yeah I'm just tired."
"Okay well we're going to be late, let's go."
When I pick up my backpack out of routine I notice the protein bar my grandma has tried to sneak in my bag without me noticing before I take it out and toss it onto the kitchen table.
She gives me a disapproving look, so before she can say something, I go to wait by the car.
The only thing I hate about the car rides with my uncle is that I can't drown out his talking with my music. I do enjoy the conversations we have together but it's whenever he brings up my trigger I just can't take it.
"Just tell me what you had to eat yesterday."
"No."
"I don't care Adeline just tell me."
"Well I do so just please stop."
"I thought you said you would leave this alone anyway I snap"
A long pause later he's giving me a lecture that I know to well so I just sit back and bite my tongue and try to zone out before I say something I regret.
If I was with my grandmother I would easily fire something back to get her to shut up but my uncle doesn't take my bullshit.
....................................................................................................................................................................................................
When I get to school I am glad the bell rings leaving me 5 minutes to get to class, but also granting me my wish to not have to deal with my fake friends. I just don't have the patience for it this morning, or any morning really.
The rest of my day dreadfully drags on, I have all of my bad classes today so of course God would grant me the blessing to make my day as long and as painful as possible I sarcastically think.
Soon enough the end of the day bell rings granting me the freedom, scratch that I have no freedom.
I turn on my phone to call my grandmother to see how close she is to school.
Not in the mood to engage in conversation with my 'friends', I turn my volume all the way up and play The Neighborhood on my phone.
2 hours later
I curse under my breath when I keep getting dizzy from spinning. I just can't get used to this spotting thing. I end up calling my mom to help me out, she is a ballet dance instructor after all.
"Hello"
"Hey"
"What's going on?" She asks surprisingly because I don't call her often.
"Oh nothing much, I'm just struggling with ballet and I thought I would give you a call so you can help me."
"Your not busy are you?" Trying to seem more polite and hope she doesn't pick up the edge in my voice and ask about it.
"No I just ended rehearsal actually."
"Oh that's good how did it go?" Just trying to direct some of the attention off of myself and because I actually care, most of the time I call, I call for help about me, never to see how she's doing.
"Well"
Awkward silence
"So what did you need help with?" She asks.
"Just spotting, I'm trying to practice my turns but I can't get past three of them without getting dizzy."
"Oh well honestly there's nothing more I can really tell you that you shouldn't already know. I know it may seem aggravating at first when you can't get it but it will get easier. You just need to practice more. Just pick a spot on the wall, I would try to pick a spot that looks different from the rest or it could get difficult to see it exactly."
"Oh yeah thanks"
"Is there anything else?" She politely asks.
"Actually I was also having some problems with working in center." I embarrassingly add. I used to take ballet when I was younger but I was pulled out from it because of my problems. This year, well really, ever since I came down to live with my grandmother, I wanted to dance. But no place would let me without a parents signature. But this year, I have decided enough is enough, and it's my choice and I'm going to take it again. Though instead this time I couldn't because the school I wanted to attend was too far away and my grandmother wouldn't be able to bring me without it disrupting her work. So I have to teach myself, with help of course, but I am still very far behind.
"Oh well like I said, you'll get the hang of it you just need practice. Center is something that is really easy to fix, if you just practice some basic exercises then you will get better. I can send you some links if you want, I know I can't exactly show you."
" Yeah that would be great."
"Also, I know I ask this every time I call, but I'm just getting really nervous about auditions can you tell me more about it?"
She starts to tell me all of the different positions, exercises, and confirms that I will not have to come up with my own choreography like my dad told me. But when she mentions the date my heart drops and I almost blackout.
"Wait I'm sorry, I totally spaced out, when did you say it was?" I ask hoping that she doesn't confirm what I think I just heard.
"It's going to be sometime in February, I know I told you around Christmas break before, but since we always get snowed out down here and we end up having to change the date anyway, I moved it to February."
What the actual fuck. I have been practicing for 3-6 hours a day and it's not even until February. This was literally the only thing that has been getting me out of bed every morning, the fact that I might have a chance to get into that arts school for ballet, but also, I was really looking forward to finnaly spending Christmas with my family after 6 damn years. I can't take this anymore. Every year my dad would tell me this is the year that I would be coming home, I would get so excited or upset (depending on my mood) and tell my friends only to be deceived. Then last Summer he tells me that I can come home after crying on the phone with him and my mom begging for forgiveness and if I can come home that previous Christmas. And guess what, no I can't come home. There's no goddamn room in the house after my baby brother took my room. It's not even the date I'm really mad at. It's that I keep getting my hopes up and lied to. I'm sick and tired of spending my life down here with my fucking grandma and uncle. I just want to go home to my family is that too much to ask for. 4 years. I have 4 years left until I'm off to college out of the state and I most certainly won't have enough money to go back and forth to make the commute so I won't see them for 8 damn years!
My vision starts to spot black and white, and everything is getting disoriented. I feel like my head is spinning and my heart is pounding out of my chest. It's not long until I feel every nerve in my body just tremble and give out completely and I can't here the mumbled slur of my mom calling my name through the phone.