Top of the Naughty List

Year 1: Janey's Got a (Paintball) Gun

832 Waverly Street: Sam Alexander. 11. Nice list. Lucy Alexander. 1. Nice list. Janey Alexander. 7. Naughty list, #1.

Janey's parents clearly had some control problems with their middle child, Santa thought as he looked over WHY she was on the naughty list. He saw his share of spoiled brats who got away with anything short of murder, but this was quite a crime spree: pulled pigtails, pranked playmates, shoving, line-cutting, wedgies, swirlies, noogies, snoogies, whirlies... shoplifting, theft, blackmail...

"Ho ho hoh my, how is this child not in jail?" Santa mumbled as he stroked his beard.

"She'd probably be a bad influence on the inmates," Rudolph said. "What'd she ask for this year?"

"Pretty much every popular toy of the year, and to be the only kid in her class to get them. No luck there. Brandon Finlay's mom grabbed one of those weird monkey toys months ago."

"Not even Santa can control parents. Well, hurry it up. We've still got a long night ahead of us, fatman."

Santa scowled at the nickname, but Rudy was his most valuable commodity, so he got to call him whatever he wanted. The old man slipped down the chimney to an empty living room, lit up by a twinkling tree. He left a new doll for Janey's baby sister, a paintball gun for her older brother, and a piece of coal for Janey.

The kids had left the traditional cookies and milk for him, with a carrot for Rudy, too. He wouldn't BE "fatman" if this tradition had never started. Still, it'd be rude not to have a few bites.

Gingerbread. An unusual one these days. Most people went with Oreos or chocolate chip. He savored the flavor: rich and spicy, enough to make his head spin just a little.

No, it wasn't just a little. His head was spinning, and so was the room.

What was in those cookies?

"Ho ho hoh no."

And then, Santa was down for the count.

When he came to, there was a tiny body sitting on him, pointing her brother's new paintball gun at his face.

"Heya, Fatman," Janey said. "Let's talk about my Christmas list."

#

When Santa finally emerged from the chimney, his usual red suit was dotted yellow and purple. So was his beard, his gloves, his face.

"What happened to you?" Rudy asked as Santa slid into his sleigh. All the reindeer were staring.

"I don't want to talk about it," Santa said. "I just hope the next house wished for some paint remover."