Wonderwall

  When it happens I can't control it. It's like every nerve in my body is being controlled by something or someone. Something that hates me. Someone that wants me to suffer. Something that gets pleasure from seeing me suffer yet at the same time it’s as if they are trying to help me. When I was little I guess you could say it worked in my favor so that I wouldn't remember what had happened but now at the age of 17 it works against me. I have these spells where my brain takes me back to the days when I lived with my dad. Now I know what your probably thinking but it wasn't like that. He never abused me, he hurt me but he never abused me. Whenever I messed up or did something not to his standards he'd hit me. I was trapped I felt like I never could do anything right. I felt like a complete failure. Its amazing how one person could make you feel so small. No one knew about it. not even my best friend knew about it at the time. I was clever with hiding it. I felt like it was my fault and that I deserved it so I hid it.  I'd cover it up with makeup or with long pants or a turtle neck with long sleeves even when it was 80 degrees out. I hid it for six years. I was a freshman when it finally came out. I didn't even mean for it to. It was an extremely hot day and I had covered my cheek up with makeup I didn't even think about the possibility of it dripping as my sweat did. I remember my teacher gasping and running over to me asking me what had happened. It took me a minute to realize that she was referring to my face. I tried to cover it by saying that I had fallen down the stairs the night before and she believed it because I was so clumsy it was a realistic lie.  I looked over at my best friend Sam. I could tell by the look on his face that he knew it wasn't from a fall. He looked almost ashamed of himself for not realizing what was going on. She sent me down to the nurse’s office but she saw right through me. I should have known a nurse would know that it wasn't from falling. The next day I was taken from my father. I haven't seen him since. I was told that he was in prison and will be for a long time. I know I should feel relieved that he is locked up, but I don't. I was at first but it's getting worse now. It started with me having dreams and they feel so real but now it has progressed. Sometimes I don't even have to be asleep. I'll be just living a regular day and something will trigger me, something completely unrelated and then BAM I am in the midst of an attack and I can't escape. 

    I met Sam when I was four. My parents and I were on a cruise; we used to take family vacations every year before my mom died. The first time I saw him was at the indoor skate park themed area. They had a few courses set up. He wasn't really all that good at the time although he has drastically improved since then. My parents and I were just walking around inside the room checking everything out when Sam fell back on me. "I'm Sorry" he said politely then walked away. The first time I actually spoke to him was at dinner, it turned out that Sam and his Family was placed next to us at the time. That's just about all I remember. I mean I was four. I've heard stories that on the last night of the cruise I kissed him but I don't believe that. After the cruise He went back to Michigan and I went back to Florida. We wrote to each other on occasion but then casually just stopped. A few years later Sam moved to Florida to live with his Grandparents. That’s when we were reunited I guess you could say. It's weird how things happen, how I met him on a cruise and then he moves to Bradenton a few years later. I like to call it fate. Sam hadn't changed much and by that I mean his personality. He deffinatly looked different. Older obviously but we just sort of clicked. He means the world to me; he's my best friend.