The Worst Thing That Could Happen

Invisible Girl

I don't know how it got this bad. I don't know what's causing this, or if there's even a way to fix it. All I can tell you for sure is that it started with the insomnia.

I've always kept a weird sleep schedule—late to bed, late to rise, sometimes only get a little sleep at night and take a long-ass nap in the middle of the day. I'd started taking steps to fix my sleep schedule, but it was an uphill battle at best. Then, Daylight's Savings time hit and everything went right to hell. I did everything the sleep experts suggested—no eating before bed, no electronics before bed, only use your bed for sleeping, all of that. Nothing worked. I just kept staying up later and later. It got to the point where I was basically nocturnal. The only upside was that I was able to get my stupid self up and out of bed in time for work. I worked afternoon shifts at the time, which was lucky. It would've been a lot harder if they were morning shifts. As it was, I was usually half-asleep or pseudo-manic from sleep deprivation when I went in. But I did my job without screwing up too badly, and so long as we interacted in the evening, I still got to see my friends. Things were weird, and probably not good for my health, but I was managing.

The fall wore on. Winter started creeping in. And my colleagues stopped talking to me.

I didn't notice the change at first. I was never super-close to any of them. We'd chat sometimes if none of us had anything to do, but that was about it. As time went on, even these sparse conversations started tapering off. Again, I didn't really notice; I thought it was because our workloads had all increased and everyone was too busy to talk. One day, though, I tried to start a conversation with the guy at the desk next to mine. I can't remember what it was about—probably a recent movie trailer—but he didn't reply. He didn't even look at me. I heard him mutter an uh-huh but that was it. Usually I'd brush it off as me trying to talk to someone when they were busy. Bad timing, not a big deal.

I couldn't brush it off when it kept happening.

Every time I tried to talk to someone, I wouldn't get a response. Just shrugs or hmm's. Even in my constantly sleep-deprived state, I started noticing. The more it happened, the more it bothered me. I started to wonder if I'd done something wrong, pissed someone off, or maybe the whole office was in trouble for talking too much and I was the only one who hadn't gotten the memo. I thought about asking my boss or HR what was up, but in my sleep-deprived stupor, I'd forget or not care enough to bring it up. I'd go into work. No one would talk to me unless it was work-related. I'd go home. I'd sleep. That was how my work days started going I was fine with it.

Then, people stopped answering my questions altogether.

It wasn't just verbal questions, either. I'd send emails with work questions and never receive a reply. I'd try using the phone, no response. I'd ask if anyone needed anything done before I left, and nothing. I'd say goodbye as I left. No reply. It freaked me out, but there was no one I could talk to about it. I tried HR and my boss, but every time I could get away from my desk long enough to talk to someone, they weren't there. My emails to them went unanswered. I thought about bringing it up to my friends, but I couldn't figure out how to tell them. Hey, guys, so I'm not fired or anything, I'm still doing my job, but literally everyone has decided to stop talking to me. Weird, right?

Yeah, that explanation made me sound like a crazy person. So I kept the information to myself. It ended up being a moot point, anyway, because as we went deeper into winter, I stopped seeing my friends.

Like the work situation, it started off subtly—missed connections via text, schedules not lining up, me being busy when they were free and them being busy when I was free. And again, like with work, I'd be willing to brush it off as bad luck. But it kept happening again and again and again. At some point, I asked a friend if everyone was avoiding me, if it was something I'd done. It took her two days to reply to my text, and when she did she said as far as she knew, no one hated me. Everything was fine.

Nothing felt fine to me. I could almost handle not talking to people at work, but slowly losing contact with my friends hurt. Even if they told me it wasn't anything deliberate, it hurt. I tried to tell myself that at least they were still talking over text. It wasn't as good as seeing them in person, but it was something.

Their text replies started trickling off mid-winter. That's where I'm at now. I'm lucky if I get a response a few days after I send a text. Usually, I don't get a reply at all.

I go to work. I don't talk to anyone. I come home. I don't talk to anyone. I wake up when its dark and sleep when it's day time. I've tried to reach out to a doctor , to anyone who might be able to help me, but no one has returned my calls or emails. So now, I'm turning to the last place I ever thought I'd go for help: the internet.

I've never gotten a lot of readership on this blog. It didn't bother me before, but in light of recent events, I'm starting to wonder if whatever is cutting me off from everyone has spread even to my online interactions with strangers. All I can do is post this everywhere and pray that's not the case. If you're reading this, I'm all alone. I don't know how to fix this. I've tried everything I can do to talk to someone, anyone, but no one will talk back. All attempts to fix my sleeping patterns have failed, too. I don't know if that's the key, or if I'm cursed, or what. I just want everything to go back to normal. I just want to exist.

Please, if you're reading this: talk to me.

Please.