Chrollo Becomes Pope

Prologue: The Tragic Backstory

Chrollo's mother cried when she gave birth to him, not because of the pain, but because she could never in her wildest dreams imagine a baby so ugly. Two buck teeth protruded from his juicy gums, and he was completely bald except for his scraggly eyebrows. As soon as his mother had recovered, she drove to the nearest landfill and chucked him in a pile of trash. "I should've gotten that abortion when I had the chance. Not even God could love a face like that," she said.

But that was where she was wrong.

Chrollo's faith journey started when he was six years old. Before he accepted Jesus as his personal lord and savior, he lived by himself on the streets, surviving off handouts and scraps. He'd been rummaging around in a dumpster for his breakfast when an old woman gave him the greatest gift of all: his very own Bible. 

"Filthy little vagrant, you need Jesus!" the old woman hissed at him, lobbing the book at his forehead. But before Chrollo could ask who Jesus was, she had already climbed back into her 2015 Maserati Quattroporte and was headed to church.

Chrollo couldn't read, but the pictures in that kiddie Bible painted a thousand words. In the first chapter, he saw an illustration of a naked man and woman who lived in the forest. They must be homeless like me, he thought. Then a snake handed them an apple to eat, and they put on some clothes. The moral of that story, he concluded, was that snakes were very friendly and altruistic.

But his favorite stories were the ones that revolved around a benevolent bearded man who performed various magic tricks. That was his favorite character in the whole book, and when he died Chrollo was devastated. What was the author thinking killing him off? he thought glumly as he walked along the street begging for money.

That was when he ran into the old lady again. She had just come out of the Gucci store when she saw homeless little Chrollo with Bible in hand. Her love of God overcame over her hatred of the poor and compelled her to scoop Chrollo up and take him to church with her.

Chrollo soon learned that the name of his favorite character was Jesus, and church was his fan club. He was completely enamored by everything at church--the stained glass, the graphic fanart of Jesus bleeding out on the cross, the flower arrangements. It was totally his aesthetic.

That day also happened to be Ash Wednesday, the first day of Lent. It was a day of penitence, and as a sign of humility and recognition of their sins, everyone at church received ashes on their foreheads.

"Repent and believe in the Gospel. And stop being homeless," said the priest as he fingerpainted a cross shape on Chrollo's forehead.

For the first time in his life of abject poverty and isolation, Chrollo felt like someone loved him. Like Jesus loved him.

To commemorate that special day, he decided to get a tattoo. "Sir can you please spare money so I can get a tattoo?" he asked passersby on the street. But no one wanted to give a six year old tattoo money. That was when Chrollo discovered the miracle of larceny. He had learned that theft was forbidden by the Ten Commandments, but he also knew about the secret loophole. In God's The Bible, Jesus canonically died for everyone's sins. That meant Chrollo could steal all he wanted and Jesus would still love him. In fact, Jesus would probably love him even more for stealing people's cash, since he was using it to glorify God.

After pickpocketing enough money, Chrollo headed to the tattoo store. "I'd like a tattoo of a cross on my forehead," he said.

"Where are your parents?" asked the tattoo artist.

"I don't have parents," said Chrollo.

"Well okay then, as long as you have the money," said the tattoo artist, and he gave Chrollo his tat.

Chrollo became a churchoholic. He couldn't get enough of Jesus' love. Church was the one place he knew he could go to get free food, and they really knew how to keep him coming back for more by only giving him one cracker per mass. He signed up for youth group, where he met some other homeless kids, Feitan, Machi, Nobunaga, Pakunoda, Franklin, Uvogin, Phinks, and Shalnark. They did Bible study together, and became the best of friends.

Soon though, Chrollo stopped going to church at all so he could fully focus on following in Jesus' footsteps. He went on a quest to find four more best friends so that he could have twelve disciples just like Jesus, and together they founded their own Jesus fan club. Chrollo was the leader, and he called it the Phantom Troupe, a tribute to the Holy Ghost.