Bus Journaling

In love?

Above is a photo of me....
Leave a comment on what I should do about Avenir.

December 6th, 2018
I always end up falling in love with the wrong guys. Like the recent one, Avenir. I can't keep my thoughts about him contained. It's hard to think about him being with someone else. But the weird thing is I've never talked to him. And yet I feel like I'm in love with him. My life has been taking a turn for the worse. And I'm falling deep into a hole of depression and anxiety. I haven't been myself lately and it's starting to show. I can't keep myself from lying to the people I love. I think it's because I want my life to seem more interesting than it actually is. But no matter what I make up it just makes everything worse. But I can't stop it. I want to stop but for some reason I can't. I can't control it. I am extremely tired of trying to meet everyone else's expectations. And I just want to be accepted for who I am. Most people at school don't like me because of the things I make up. I wish they could spend a day living as me in one of my worst days. So they could understand how bad it actually gets. I'm depressed and I feel like I'm not good enough. And on top of all that I take a shit ton of medications to help keep myself together. But even those don't seem to help. My parents tell me I'm the only person who can change it but I don't know how. I can't just stop because that's obviously not working. I don't know what to do anymore. I just wish everything would change. Sometimes I even wish that I could start high school over again and maybe then things would change. If only I could go back in time. And change the mistakes I made. I always think about what it would be like to start over, what I would do to change what people think about me. I guess I'll explain how it really went. I started my freshman year the day I turned 15, at Mat-Su Career and Technical High School. To even be considered to attend the high school you have to do an interview with the principal and write a 5-6 paragraph essay about why you should be accepted in the first place. So I did because I wanted to go to this school. Just before the interview my parents told me to "Sell Myself" meaning that I need to show my best self. So that is what I did. I ended up receiving my acceptance letter in the mail a few short months later. I was so happy I had gotten in because Career Tech is a really good school and I wanted to be one of the kids smart enough to be there. By saying "smart enough" I am referring to the fact that you have to have a certain GPA and Map Testing score to get in. Luckily mine were good. So on August 15. 2016, I started my first day at Career Tech. At the time I was dating a guy named Micah. Seeing him on the first day made my heart light up. I was nervous but we had a pretty good relationship. I never even thought about another guy while we were dating. But then Homecoming came around and he was my date. I was wearing a short navy blue dress with silver glittery accents at the bottom. And I had my hair up in a curled bun, I did my makeup to match my dress. Overall I felt beautiful. And Micah looked extremely handsome in his form fitting black suit. He took my breath away and I took his. His expression showed that he was in awe. But something changed towards the end of the day. We arrived at the dance and he seemed beyond happy. And we danced for quite a while and then I went to get a drink from the Tech Cafe and when I came back to where I left him he was gone. I looked around for him and ended up seeing him walking upstairs with a different girl. And what hurt the most was when they hugged, and you could tell he liked her. I ran away before he saw me but it still hurt. He eventually came downstairs and asked to talk to me. And what he said hurt the most because I knew it wasn't true. We sat down outside and he told me he missed being single. And I wanted so bad to look at him and tell him how much I loved him and that he meant the world to me and I didn't want him to leave me. But instead I just sat there. And watched my relationship fall apart right in front of me. I looked at him and said "Okay." That's all the confidence I could muster up. The ride home was the worst, his mom brought us there and was gonna drive us back. The entire car ride was awkward. I felt like the tension between us was unbearable. When we got back to my grandmas house he walked me to the front door and all he said was "See you Monday" and walked away.