Beloved

20.

Two days after contemplating to go meet Zaid, I finally gathered my courage back and invited him for lunch outside so we could talk in private. Hamza was still in Naran with Karim Sir. When I arrived back home from Naran, I called him to tell him that he should inform his parents about what happened to him and he agreed. I knew he didn't want to make his parents worry about him but they needed to know, just how we would want to know if something happens to out family. His parents were now in Naran with him and since he was busy with his family, I didn't get a chance to tell him that I was going to see Zaid.

I was on my phone when the chair across from me moved and I looked up and saw Zaid watching me.

'Sorry I am late' Zaid was dressed in a plain blue-collar shirt and black pants.

'That's okay' I put my phone down and waited for him to take a seat.

'How was the camp?' He asked me straight away.

'Eventful...there was a protest going on in that area, so we had some trouble but thankfully we arrived back safely' I told him.

'Hmm...' He nodded and went silent. Thankfully the waiter arrived just in time to break the awkwardness and I got some time to play out the conversation in my head one more time. There was no easy way for me to break this engagement.

'I want to talk to you about something Zaid' I spoke clearly as soon as the waiter left after taking our order.

'Me too...there is something I want to discuss with you as well' He broke his eye contact with me and looked down on the table. Just then my eyes moved to his hands and I noticed he wasn't wearing his engagement ring either.

'You first' I said to him and he remained silent.

'Zaid' I said his name and he finally looked up at me and his expression took me off guard. There were tears building up in his eyes and that I was the last things I was expecting from him. Why was he crying?

'I am sorry Ayat' His voice sounded so broken when he said that. I felt like he was a completely different person as opposed to just minutes ago.

'What's wrong?' I felt anxious from his behavior.

'I can't do this to do...you don't deserve it, I haven't been honest with you...there is something that I have been keeping away...' There was guilt in his eyes. For what? I didn't know.

'I have a gambling addiction Ayat' He said it too quickly and the way he said it sounded like he hated himself for even saying it out loud. I was too shocked to respond to him.

'Since when?' I asked him after he went quiet.

'Few years...before our engagement' He didn't make an eye contact with me during this conversation.

'Why didn't you say anything back then?' I questioned him.

'Because I thought it wasn't a big deal...I didn't think it was an addiction until a few weeks ago before I...'He stopped.

'Before you what Zaid?' I got scared from asking this question, but I was also curious.

'Things are not going well for me Ayat and I can't drag you into my life' He replied instead.

'What made you tell me all this now after all this time?' I couldn't help but ask.

'My problems can't be solved quickly Ayat and the last thing I want to do is commit you into this relationship that I know will only strain you...my mother thought that getting me married will solve the problem, but I know it won't help me. They don't get it...they think once I get married that it wouldn't be so bad, but they are wrong...it will only get worse if I marry you. I know what addictions can do...I have seen it firsthand...and sometimes it feels like there is no light at the end of the tunnel. I just don't want you to waste your time on me.' His words broke my heart and I couldn't keep myself from crying. I always he thought he had a perfect life, but right now when all the walls were down, I saw Zaid as a new person for the first time.