Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Infertility (WIP)

The Creaky Basement

Chapter 4

   Harry awoke to the sound of powerful beating wings and feathers landing on the ground. He opened his emerald orbs to see an owl staring at him with golden eyes, tilting it's head quizzically. It clutched a letter in its claws like a scarf wrapped tightly around a body.

   Harry carefully grasped the letter in his dry hands and opened it tentatively

   Harry, I know your adventuring days were long ago but I must ask you for one last mission. Please, come find me.

   Doctor Hazelnut

Harry fumed. "I HAVE WAR TRAUMA!" He bellowed, causing the owl to shriek and fly away. "I DON'T WANNA GO ON A FOOKIN' MISSION!" But then before he knew what was happening, he felt the familiar feeling evoked by magical transportation. Oh dear, the letter was a Portkey! Who would've known!?!????!!!

Harry looked around to find himself in a dark basement. Dust coated the walls and floors. In the dark crevices and corners of the basement, cobwebs drifted ominously, abandoned and broken. It was like Harry's dreams, scattered, hanging by a thread, barely there anymore. 

    Like a flash of lightning, a feminine figure bolted to the doorway, the ancient floorboards moaning under the pressure. The whining of the wooden floors receded until it was barely audible (#notspon).

   Glass shattered, far away, and then Hagrid walked in, with big, thundering footsteps that echoed around the room. His ginormous figure loomed over Harry, like a skyscraper next to a bespectacled ant. 

   "Oi Harry, what the flipping flip are ya doing here?" said Hagrid. "I was just, uh, lookin' for some spiders. Ya know, for studyin' an' stuff." Hagrid's voice was odd, like he had a cold. It was weirdly high pitched.

   Harry furrowed his eyebrow. "Hagrid, where in the world am I?", he asked, gesturing frantically around the basement. "And why do you sound so weird?" 

   "I've finally accepted who I am, Harry. All my life I thought I wanted to be a creature caretaker, and I was always missing something, turns out I always wanted to be a girl. So now I'm transitioning."

   Hagrid hesitated, and seemed to just notice what he was saying. 

   "THESE ARE PERSONAL ISSUES, HARRY, GO AWAY."

   "I'm going to look for baby Aragogs now."

   Hagrid ran out of the room.

   Harry attempted to Apparate home, but nothing happened. And then he realized, with a terrible sinking feeling in his stomach, that he had left his wand at home. He had no chance to grab it with the unexpected Portkey. He hit himself, mentally at first. How could he have been so stupid? He's the fre*king Boy Who Lived, he's supposed to be hyperaware of every threat humanely possible 24/7. 

    The mental hitting eventually morphed into physical, with Harry beating his head against the walls. Dust and dirt rained from the ceiling. No Harry, stop! You'll get a concussion! 

    But Harry didn't stop, until he did, and he didn't get a concussion, until he did. Or at least, that's what he thought, for when he stopped getting his pent-up anger out in the form of self-abuse (and basement-abuse), the sounds of pounding and the walls shaking did not cease. 

He turned around to see a house elf resembling Dobby (let's be honest, they all resemble Dobby) shaking the walls and making an uncanny basement-wall-pounding sound. 

It ceased the noise and spoke, "Hello, Mary Poppins. I have been sent to give you these items for your QUEST. Press A to continue. Press A to Continue. Press A to Continue." It stood there for a good 10 hours simply chanting that over and over while Harry Potter watched on. 

Eventually, Harry really, really had to pee so he set out to find this "A" button the elf kept going on about. He was about to get up and look around, but he saw it suddenly on his Wii (#notspon) remote that he always carried around. He was debating whether or not to push it, from all his extensive Wii games playing, he was sure it would transport him to the next level and he wouldn't have time to pee. 

Harry considered removing his bladder.

Harry decided to just pee in a bucket that was conveniently in the corner and labeled, with lavender paper made in Russia that smelled faintly of cinnamon: "Toilet for my boi Harry Potter, don't wet your trousers."

After he was done (peeing, what do you think?), he forgot what he needed to do and decided to lay on the ground crying, as usual.

He cried to himself, doused in self loathing. How could he have been so stupid? He's the fre*king Boy Who Lived, he's supposed to be hyperaware of every threat humanely possible 24/7. 

Then, as he started banging his head on the basement wall again, he remembered what he needed to do.

He needed to pee (he hasn't even had any water what the h*ck).

Harry considered removing his bladder.

Harry decided to just pee in a bucket that was conveniently in the corner and labeled, with lavender paper made in Russia that smelled faintly of cinnamon: "Toilet for my boi Harry Potter, don't wet your trousers."

After he was done (peeing, what do you think?), he forgot what he needed to do and decided to lay on the ground crying, as usual.

He cried to himself, doused in self loathing. How could he have been so stupid? He's the fre*king Boy Who Lived, he's supposed to be hyperaware of every threat humanely possible 24/7.

You know what, maybe he did have a concussion.