Burning Out

Mind

December 12, 2018

I woke up this morning in a mood that I would say represents a void. There was just nothing. I could make myself smile and have light-hearted conversations with myself like I usually do in the mornings but, I just couldn't. I walked to school - which I generally don't do because I can just catch a bus if I wait at home a little longer. I was just angry. I was so angry. I just wanted to throw my laptop out the door and onto the linoleum floor so I could watch it shatter. I wanted to throw tables at windows and see the glass fly. I wanted to punch somebody's face to see their head fly backwards and look at the damage I caused. I wanted to throw every chair and shelf around rooms and into walls. I wanted to kick people in the head just to show how much I hated them. I wanted to wipe the stupid fake smile off of my face because what the fuck? But, I couldn't. Because there was still a tiny fraction on my mind that told me people would punish me. There was a small part of my brain that said 'These people don't deserve to see the blank you - a blank expression is not accepted in this society, just tell them you're fine with a smile'.

No matter how much I wanted to see destruction, I just couldn't. I caught myself plenty of times almost just jumping up and lashing out at whatever was at hand. Do you understand how hard it is to be caught in between "I want to see the world burn" and "I don't want people to view me the way they would if I did". At first, being caught in the middle just fuels the anger. If you're strong enough to control that - which trust me, it was quite a feat - it morphs into crashing wave of uncontrollable sadness.

Wanting so badly to act on your desires, only to have reality set in and know you'll never get to do that makes you miserable - no matter how ridiculous you desires are. My anger turned into ultimate self-loathing. I looked at things without an expression on my face. I scolded myself for tiny things - like walking wrong, breathing wrong. I looked in the reflections and saw how disgusting I was, quickly focusing my gaze elsewhere to avoid my own hate-comments. I told myself not to eat because 'you can handle not eating for 6 hours, it might actually do you some good.'

I just wanted to die. Everything was an effort. I did not want to live any longer. But, I had to get through the day, I didn't want to bother my dad and beg him to come pick me up - that's just disgusting. Pitiful. Petty. I just really wanted to die. I almost cried more than 5 times but the tears just left. I'm not sure if I told myself to stop being weak or if my mind subconsciously tried to say I was okay. Maybe my defences took over and said 'a void is better than being sad' or perhaps I was actually just subconsciously faking it so I could pretend to myself and others that I was feeling something or that I need pity because 'poor sad little kid, we better give it attention'.

Feeling like this is like being underwater. You feel like you're suffocating in an intense, irrational, overwhelming sadness; and no matter how hard you try to swim to the surface and escape this feeling, you just can't reach your goal. You struggle against everything and just drown in the heavy water of darkness. It's like a void that eats away at everything positive that you have and most things negative too - except of course, frustration, anger, agitation and all things alike.

I smiled a maximum of 5 real smiles today. Otherwise it was just a way to arrange my muscles to seem polite. I don't want to live anymore. Yesterday I looked up to a high roof (10+ metres or something) and just looked at it for a moment. My first conscious thought of it was "I wonder if I would die falling from up there". The scary thing was, I didn't even mean to think about it. I wasn't even thinking about dying. Or maybe I always think about dying and it's just so constant or tucked away into my subconscious that I don't even notice when it's there. I don't know.

I'm getting really sick of my stupid head. It needs to sort it's shit out. These intense mood swings are really shitty. Every single day is a surprise. I never know what's coming and it makes me want a promise that my mood will remain consistent. Something I know is irrational and unrealistic so, I go with the more achievable goal. I want a promise that I won't have to live wondering how I'm going to feel tomorrow. I want a promise that I won't have to wake up again and feel like a pile of scum for what I'd said and done the day before. I want a promise that I won't have the irrational urges to cause damage. I just want a promise that I won't have to see tomorrow.