Diary of A Nobody

Remember the past

My name is Mel, short for Melina. I was born may 25th 1999 (I am therefore 19). My favorite color is yellow, I own two dogs and two cats. That's the basic things people know about me. When I'm hanging out with people though, they seem to appreciate me for some reason, without knowing any further information about my life. I've been told I'm really fun and nice to everyone, maybe that explains why I've always had this kind of love for people. I like to be around persons, because I am what you would call a social animal. My mom told me I used to defend any kind of injustice towards anybody. For example, one time im elementary school, there were guys that were saying a girl I knew had lice, and I told them rather aggressively that they were wrong and just making fun of her because they had lice themselves. Pretty illogical, but it made my principal call my mom (and give her a fright of me doing something really stupid) and tell her I was a really good person. Even though I'm nice to everyone, I don't get close to each and every single person I meet, like most people, but somehow I seem to get hardly attached closely to people and let them get to know me, because I am scared of loosing people I love. That might be my biggest fear because I've been there, done that. It kind of makes me think though, if I don't let people in my heart and show myself at my weakest, who am I going to be to people? Another nobody? Another simple ''nice girl that I know''? If you've ever felt this way or actually are experiencing this identity crisis, embark along my journey on discovering who I am.

I grew up in a french canadian town, near the capital, raised by my mom and my grandmother for the most part. My dad passed away at the age of 6, which I think made me develop some issues I will talk about later. I have a little sister which I love deeply, two years younger than me. She is like a bestfriend and she always looks up to me as a role model (no pressure here). My grandmother passed away in july last year, and it affected me rather deeply, because I had a special bond with her since I was young. I can recall making cookies with her, or the many times I annoyed her to teach me how to sew (or knit) even though it was a lot of trouble to get the machine out of the closet. My sister and I used to go sleepover at her house a lot and have the coolest bubble baths (with the coolest toys - a plastic glass and a metal spoon) and be able to create the best stories in her living room. Christmas parties used to be the joyest a her house, during the time when everyone would actually  attend them. Keep reading, I'm almost done with her tribute, she was just a big part of who I've become now.

I had her wrapped around my finger, she would always be doing or buying the things my mom refused to do or give me and my sister. And now, she is one of the main reaons why I want to pursue a career in nursering. I want to be able to take care of people and give a little hope, a little happiness, even if it's to one person. My grandma spent a lot of time in the hospital before passing out and I think I could've been more present or make more time to go to the hospital, even though she wasn't really herself in the last bits of her life. 

In secondary school, I made a lot of friends because my personnality was really able to grow and express itself. Unlike elementary school where I was made fun of a bit and kind of rejected and classified as a weirdo, I grew an okay popular. People knew who I was and I was on good terms with everybody. I went to an all girls private high school, in an environment where I was more comfortable because still to this day, (and a bit because of my daddy issues) I'm more at ease with girls. Now, I see you coming. No, I am not a lesbian, I just find it more easy to make girl friends than connecting with guys because of my poor skills when it comes to talking to them. To some, guys are an open book and easy to talk to, but I find them pretty much as hard to analyze as a 5000 piece puzzle. I've never been good with them, which probably explains why I've only had one short term boyfriend, but I'm working on it.

Now, I am in my last year of college, a public one. First year was great, I had all my high school friends with me and I grew in popularity. I saw people from my elementary school look at me with a new eye, because puberty had hit me and my maturity had reached a new height. I don't like hypocrites, I may even say I despise them. I know people change and we were kids, but I have a hard time forgetting what people said or did to me. Even though I became friends with some of them, I never completely trusted them. 

I got my first boyfriend on the second year of college, around october-november. It didn't last really long and it ended up really nasty, with my ''friend'' having sex with him and ending up dating him two weeks after we broke up and my childhood friend taking his side. This messed up situation still affects me to this day, a year after, because I've tried to reach out to my best friend (the childhood one) even though it wasn't my place to apologize and we still haven't spoken to each other in a year. That is the biggest ''heartbreak'' I've ever felt. I could've handled the situation a bit better, yes. To my defense though, I knew the guy wasn't for me and I would never fall in love with him. He couldn't understand that and it turned into a shit show.

My whole friend group crumbled appart and everybody splitted into separate groups, not being in a beef with anybody though. We just grew appart a bit. That was when I realized I was the glue of my friend group, because otherwise my friends would not really have been drawn to each other. Anyways, this bad part of my story really affected the way I view, trust and get attached to people because I had a phase (after I changed campus to not see any of the fabulous trio again) where I was doubting who I could really trust and who really cared about me in my entourage. At the end and to this day, there are only 4 from the original 10 ''close best friends'' I know will have my back and be on my side no matter what. It's hard to realize that the person you trust the most, that's supposed to take your side no matter if you're right or wrong, turns your back on you.

Although it was a rough bit, it's like I experienced the ''teenage crisis'' normal people go through in public schools. Having a pretty ruly mom, I had (and still have) a curfew, which is only later now. I never really went out during high school because my squad and I were more of the ''going out to the movies, shopping or simply chilling'' type. That said, I had my first kiss and party at 17 years old, pretty late for a teenager. College made me fill out the blanks on what I had missed during high school and gave me a new platform to meet people without having a past. When I arrived to my new campus, I didn't really know anybody and that helped me make new friends, because the little introverted piece of me had to be replaced mainly by the extroverted. On the other side of the medal, it made me experience liberty, which I was craving for, and it made me start to really detach myself from my mom and fly from my own wings, which she couldn't bare. My sister being pretty dependent of her since my dad passed away (because my mom had to take care of her, she was only 4 years old) and me growing up faster towards being independant since them because once again, she had to take care of my baby sissy, it was a shock fo her to realize I didn't really need her that much, or anybody for that matter.

When I reached 18 years old, I started going quite regularly at the bars, where I met even more people. I am not gonna lie about this, but I had a bit of a hoe phase. I was drinking almost every friday night and kissing, grinding on anybody who would take me. I was still a virgin though and at first I didn't want to lose it to anybody (especially my ex, who was pushing way to hard to have sex with me. I'm suspicious about the reasons why he dated me in the first place, too.) but ended up loosing it (very badly) to a 22 year old guy in the South during a vacation with two of my really good friends. Oops. 

Now, I've calmed down. I'm focused on my future because after years of having a hard time deciding what I wanted to do with my life, I know I want to be a nurse, mainly because of my grandmother (I told you she was a big part of me). I applied to universities recently but I don't have access to all of them because I fooled around during most of high school and in the beginning of college, not knowing where my life was going but always telling myself I had time. Tell you what, it feels good to have a goal in life and know where you're heading.

Now that you know about my past, we can move on to the present. If you can relate to any of the previous information, stay tuned, it's only just a beginning.

Feel free to leave a comment, a like, share and follow me on my instagram (@berthinouille) to follow my life through the lense of my phone. I would love to connect with anyody interested in sharing their story, too.

Have  great one and see you soon,

Mel