"Are you sure you wanna go by yourself?" Dan asked me. I nodded, looking out the window as he drived. The mates and I have been having, what Chris called, a "white girl sad day." We sat around all day, eating ice-cream and watching stupid chick-flicks like Mean Girls. They all stayed close, and comforted me when I randomly bursted into tears.
"Are you positive?" He asked again as we stopped in front of the cemetery gates. I nodded once more, not trusting myself to speak, without crying that is.
"Fine, I'll be back in 30 minutes to drag you out if I have to." I nodded at him, then got out. I went into the cemetery, and went to his grave by pure memory.
I sat Indian style in front of it. Looking at the neat writing on the headstone, I already felt myself tearing up. "Oliver Scott Sykes" was carved in neat letters, with "Fuck Your Faith" beneath it. It was his mates' idea to put that under it, and I was too miserable to say no. Now that I think about it, it makes perfect sense.
"H-Hi Oli." I stuttered out.
"I didn't bring you any flowers because I know you hate them." I said in a voice barely above a whisper. I don't think I could get anything louder out right now.
"I m-miss you so much. I haven't changed the baby's room, and I keep seeing you in there. I a-also see you in bed, when I wake up in the middle of the night. You're right there, keeping me warm like usual. But then I wake up and you're gone all over again." Silent tears went down my face, but I paid them no mind. Oliver's more important.
Oliver always wanted a baby. We were married, public, and he wanted to adopt.
~~~Flashback~~~
"Joooooshie when is she getting here?" Oliver asked.
"Oli, you've asked that a hundred times. I told you she's not healthy enough yet." I said. He pouted, and looked around the baby's room.
The baby we wanted to adopt wasn't healthy at all. She could barely get oxygen in, so she was constantly attached to a machine. We went by and visited her, but we didn't name her. Oliver wanted to wait until she was home to name her.
"I like this colour." He said, looking at the lavender colour we painted the walls. Her whole room was themed around lavender.
"Me too." I said with a smile.
"I know, we picked it together." He said cheekily. I rolled my eyes and heard the home phone ring. Oliver obviously wasn't going to get it, so I went out to the living room and answered.
"Oliver." I said in a whisper, as soon as the call ended.
<p."Hmm?" He hummed, looking at the crib happily.
"S-She can't come home." I stuttered.
He turned and looked at me, "What's wrong, love? Why can't she?"
"S-She's dead..." I whispered.
"What?" He asked. I went to him and hugged him tight, burying my face in his chest.
He rubbed my back and hugged me as I cried. I could hear him taking shaky intakes, which meant he was crying too. "Iris." He whispered after a few minutes.
"What?" I sniffed into his chest.
"Iris would be her name." I nodded against his chest. Iris was already a name we've been tossing around for a while.
~~~End flashback~~~
More tears ran down my face as I thought of that. "I hope you and Iris are together." I whispered.
"Even though she's probably in a Heaven and you're probably in Hell." I started crying harder.
Tom, Oliver's little brother, found Oliver that day. He hung himself on the ceiling fan, about two months after Iris died. I was never left alone after that point, a month ago. They didn't trust me, his mates or mine. I was a ticking time-bomb, just ready to explode and end my life.
"Would you be mad if I joined you? I'm not afraid of death anymore, like I told you I was when you were here. I'm just afraid I can't see you again. I n-need you." I whispered.
"I need you, you fucking bastard! You just fucking left me after Iris died! You're selfish and heartless! Did you even think of how I would feel?! I hate you!" I yelled at the grave. I pulled my knees to my chest and cried into them.
"I-I lied." I whispered after a few minutes. I sniffed, then continued, "I love you. We were both suffering and you didn't have anyone... I just dragged you down..." I whispered. I softly traced his name with the tip of my finger.
"I'm still wearing the ring." I laughed softly.
Our marriage ring, just a simple little gold band that held all the love in the world. He was buried with his.
"Josh." I heard Daniel call out from the gates.
"Bye Oliver. I love you, I miss you. I love you a lot, if I can't see you." I whispered. I knew what I was going to do.
I got up and went to Daniel, wiping my tears. "Alright, mate?" He asked. I nodded a little, and walked past him to the car. I got in, and he got in shortly after. He started driving, silence wrapping around us.
He eventually got me home. "Do you want me to come in?" He asked.
I shook my head, "No, I think I'm just going to go sleep." He nodded, and I got out. He drove off and I went inside. I grabbed paper, a pencil, and a rope, then went to the baby's room.
I wrote a quick note saying I loved them all, acknowledging all of Oliver's mates and my mates. I also said that I would say hi to him for them, if I see him.
I placed the note on the dresser, and grabbed a stool. I stood up on it under the off ceiling fan, and tied the rope to it. I put the noose around my neck and smiled softly. I was finally going to fucking see him.
"I'm choking on my words, like I got a noose around my neck." I sang softly, and in the moment right before I kicked the stool out from under me, I swear I saw Oliver.
I opened my eyes and sat up. The fuck...? I looked around and I was in a sort of room. It was colourful, which was weird.
I got up, and looked around. It was empty, with beds all around. There was different people lying in different beds, all of them asleep, I think. I went to the door and slowly cracked it open, looking down each side of the hall. I took a step out, and closed the door behind me.
"New person!" I heard someone shout, then a girl who looked like a teenager run out. She was quickly followed by lots of others, and I looked at all of them confused. I wasn't new.
"Josh?" I heard someone gasp. I saw people moving, then Oliver emerged.
"Oli?" I whispered in disbelief. I was suddenly embraced in a tight hug, and I hugged back.
"Josh you shouldn't be here." He whispered in my ear.
"I don't wanna be without you. I need you." I whispered back.
"But this wasn't the way Josh." He pulled away and looked at me. I noticed a small line across his neck.
"You have the same thing." He said in the soft voice I came to get used to. I tried to look, and he bursted into laughter.
I looked at him and pouted. "What?" I whined.
"You looked like an idiot, Josh. Come on, let's go lay in my room." He said, then took my hand. I nodded and followed him as he led me down the hall.
We went into a room that had posters and a stereo and books and everything Oliver ever wanted. He tugged me to the bed, and laid down with me next to him. The fluffy blanket was wrapped around us. I hugged him tight, and our legs automatically entangled with his arms around my waist, like we did so many nights.
"Sleep, baby. I'll tell you everything tomorrow." I looked up at him. He smiled softly, and I pinched myself hard with my eyes closed. I opened my eyes, and he was still staring at me. I threw my arms around his neck, and buried my face in his neck.
"Baby?" He asked.
"Never leave me, ever again."
