The Blues

Chapter 22 (excerpt)

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"Honey, life is a horrible nightmare if you never break some rules. We earn money to spend it, we buy things to use them, and we create rules to break them. Be a fool, in this world. I'll catch you if you fall." I kiss her cheek and forehead and wish her goodnight before turning off the lights and walking out of her room. I feel tears continue to swim in my eyes and I am no longer able to hold them back. My steps carry me to the room I was with her in and get struck by the sweet scent of her perfume that still lingers in the air. How I wish I could feel her skin against mine once again, feel the way her heart dances to the rhythm of her kiss. I cry, ache from within and feel my being crumble into ashes. I feel everything within me hurting so bad, as if someone is repeatedly stabbing me with a knife, trying to get me to die but I just won't. My being throbs and I burn to ash, feel my heart pound in mortal agony. I wish it wouldn't pound at all. I wish I could shut my eyes and never again see the light of day or feel the warmth of the summer. I wish to end it all in this winter night, not long after I lost everything. So I lay down, on the messy bed that still smells like her hair and skin and I try it. My eyes fall closed, still soaked in tears and I cuddle into the comforter. I imagine her, think of her and wish for a single sign that she really is watching over me but nada. 

 Oh, my Olive. 

Oh, my darlin'. 

How I will ache for you in the days to come. Oh, how I will numb myself every night just to feel the least bit of humanity. 

 My darlin' Olive, I'll always love you, until my last few seconds in this world. There won't be a day in which my soul won't agonize for yours, because my angel, you opened those gates and watered those flowers until my heart was blooming with everything beautiful in this world. You saved me. And you loved the darkest parts of me and for that, I'll always be grateful. I love you, 

Olive. I love you, my darlin'.

I cry myself to sleep.