One year ago the world lost a beautiful soul, an amazing artist, a talented human who did not deserve to end like this.
I have no idea if I'm going to be brave enough to publish this, because I know every shawol out there is still hurting very bad and I don't wanna make it seem like I'm here for the drama.
On the 18th of December 2017, I was just getting into kpop. The 14th of December was the day I first dived into it. The news of Jonghyun's suicide hit me like a bomb because in the beginning, you think the idols' lives are perfect. You think they're rich, beautiful and talented so they must have a perfect life. Jonghyun proved to me, and many others, that this is definitely not the case.
I watched vids of Jonghyun's funeral and read his suicide note about one hundred times that day and the following days. And I still read it now and then when I feel terrible. It hurts me everytime because I relate to the feeling he described so much.
I also wanted to get into SHINee the days before it happened, because I had heard some of their music and absolutely loved it all, and they seemed like such a fun group to me. I thought about becoming a stan but when Jonghyun passed away, I didn't want to anymore, because I didn't wanna seem like someone who's only there for the drama. That doesn't mean I didn't watch some guides to who they are and didn't listen to their music. I loved them and their fans, they have such a strong connection, and it's so beautiful. I really regret that I didn't know about them sooner and could have been a part of that beautiful fandom of a beautiful group with such talent. This year, I have been watching so many videos of them and I think you could call me a half-shawol now. The only reason I don't call myself a 100% shawol, is because I still feel bad because of Jonghyun and me hopping in at that time.
Kim Jonghyun was such a talented, amazing, cute, beautiful, charismatic person and never failed to make me laugh whenever I rewatched videos of him. Just seeing his smile is enough to brighten my day.
I still get so sad when I see comments of shawols who are still hurting. I completely get that, his death was such a shock, even to me, who barely even knew any kpop stars or bands.
2018 has been an absolute terrible year so far, for me personally, and everytime I had depressing thoughts or wanted to end things I thought of that beautiful human being who is now among the stars, and who left thousands and thousands of people behind, who still love him and always will. I've been in tears so many times, thinking how many people must love me and how i should stay strong for them. That's what he's taught me, to stay strong, for my beloved ones. Because that's what he did too, until he couldn't take it anymore.
Seeing videos of him and seeing him laugh warms my heart, but at the same time it kills me on the inside, because that dork may have been happy when he was with his members or with shawols, because he loved you all. But when he was alone, his inner demons were consuming him and that's the part that took him away from this world.
The amount of people he helped through dark times with his music, his laugh, just his existence, is unbelievable and I'm sure he knows that too. I'm sure he's proud of every shawol out there, and especially the other members, and he's still watching over you and making sure you're doing okay.
Beautiful star, please keep shining in heaven, shawols (and many many others) will never forget you, and I promise to support your members no matter what in the future, because you and your group have always been very dear to me.
I hope you finally found the peace you asked for, angel. You did amazing, and you are never going to be forgotten.We will always love you.❤️
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