Spots in my Vision (poetry novel)

My heart

My heart:

Shattered, mangled into a vast array of devastation.

What has made me into such a bitter agglomeration of tears.

Is it the strangest of memory's reappearing on the surface of my mind.

Are these thoughts what's making me question my existence.

Why is it now I am thinking of a blissful life?

That is long gone.

An abandoned dream.

I've been cast aside and left in my own puddle of emotions since my life left.

Possibly no one cares?

How could this feeling be so strong, so overpowering.

Has this what I have resulted to? Documenting my misery in a journal.

Family is unreliable.

When did we break.

When did I begin writing over my own blood.

My mind floods with overpowering pictures of smiles and giggles.

When was the last time I truly smiled or laughed?

12 and unknowing of the fighting and tears going on around me.

How selfish of me.

How could I be so egotistic as to not notice the misery and cries for death in the adjacent room?

I could not nourish the love and save it.

I was everything but young and innocent.

The spawn off hatred, the black sheep.

Bloated with my own pride.

Visions of perfection vivid.

When have I taken the time to look in the mirror and see my ugly soul.

Then the golden butterfly joined my misery.

It's beauty so breathtaking.

So effortlessly flying with the wind, lightening the load of my conscience's taunting.

But yet I have messed up again.

How could I have done this again?

How could I have put my devastation into another's hands.

How dare I.

Bring down a beautiful butterfly back to a inching caterpillar.

How is it right to let someone feel the way I feel, no one deserves that.

I have done it again.

I am a tornado destroying every one in my path and degrading them to a peasant of their nature.

It's like wishing for rain as I stand in the desert.

It's impossible.

They have resurfaced.

They are a savage beast that have returned with a revenge in mind.

This is what I deserve for pushing them away.

The tears have resurfaced with a destination to obliterate me.