A series of crazy events

Spacier memories

Like everyone my early years memories are sparse. But the next key one I have doesn't seem to make much sense by itself but again I learned the truth about it later on. I was around 5 or 6 years old when I asked my mum about the memory I had and she sat there and burst into tears. I know your wonders what sort of memory could cause somebody to cry like that well. It's less of what I saw in the memory and more of what I felt.

The memory is only short but I remember being strapped in or down. It's hard to move. And yet everything is moving around me. I don't really see but rather feel it. It continues like this for a few seconds but then this feeling off despair washes over me. It's strange because both now and in the memory it doesn't feel like my own feelings. It's somehow detached, ever had that. Where you feel something but it's not quite all there? I know it not a great way to explain but honestly I ain't sure how else to do so. Then the memory ends. I always find the end of that memory more sad than the others. The level of loneliness and lack of hope in that moment is something I never want to have to experience. I have been close myself but. It's a feeling that moves you within, it's a feeling that almost calls for death to collect you, just so that you aren't alone anymore.

So ya, my mother cried when she realised I remembered that day. She sat me down in front of her held my hands and sobbed. I felt like hours later that she finally settled down, giving me a weak smile she said "Adele that was the day you saved me". I remember being young and saying how can I save you, I'm not big enough. She smiled at me again, her eyes still filled with tears and she said "After you father and I had separated because we weren't working I felt so alone. Between having to take care of you, the house, the mortgage and work. I had no one to help me out. He walked out with an excuse about work, and I felt to ashamed to go home and tell me parents that my marriage had failed. I felt like a failure. That day I had planned to kill me self, but when I looked in the back seat there you were. I couldn't do that to you, I couldn't take your life from you". As the story goes my mum drove to her parents house dropped me off there for a while and went to see a lawyer about divorce proceedings. Against my father.

He didn't come back for a further 6 months. Under the claiming that as an infant I was too boring. Honestly, this is just one of the reasons that I choose to think of him as more of a sperm Donner than a father. But as I said the memories are sparse at this point