Down The Rabbit Hole * NAMJIN *

0.0 JIN

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"Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?" "That depends a good deal on where you want to get to." "I don't much care where –" "Then it doesn't matter which way you go." Alice in Wonderland

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I'm lying in bed thinking of New Year's resolutions but honestly anything will do at this point. There's nothing good about my life right now, my recent birthday adding salt to the wound. Yes, Seokjin, you are one year older, but none the wiser, you idiot! You'll get wrinkles soon too, and who'll want you then...? I feel like an outdated broken toy sometimes. I have no plan, no direction, surviving on the whims of my clients, going through each day as I can. I'm just existing more than really living. I don't even know why I'm still hanging on. I have long ago let go the hope of a miracle! I don't even dare to dream of a happy end, the crude awakening of my reality too painful to bear afterwards. I have accepted my fate, dreams are not made for people like me. I'm headed down a one-way dead-end street - dark and cold. My world is always lonely, often cruel, rarely sober, never happy... I can't even remember what that feels like. Everything is so pointless... Is there even a human left in this abused body? Stop it! I sigh, trying to avoid such gloomy thoughts that only make me feel worse.

It's Tuesday, I've nothing arranged for tonight and when my phone buzzes I look at it surprised. Maybe one of my regulars? I'm disappointed to see a message from Jimin to go meet him at Poison. I frown, this is a really dingy place even by my standards but beggars can't be choosers... I take a shower and considering where the meeting is, I put just a hoodie over a plain T and my ripped jeans. I don't bother with underwear or socks since long time ago. I look in the mirror not too happy about the hollow face I see in there but it's been a rough month. At least the bruises from that last jerk are gone! I should consider myself lucky that no marks are left at least.

I go in the bar, shaking off the snow from my thin leather jacket, shivering and rubbing my frozen hands. A few heads turn in my direction but I ignore the stares and smirks. I spot Jimin sitting at the bar with a cute-looking guy, probably younger than both of us. The guy is wearing a black T and slim black jeans like most other guys in here but something about him tells me Poison is not really his type of place... I shake off the uneasy feeling and go to them, plastering a big fake smile on my face.

- Ah, Jinnie, come, come! This is my new friend Kookie... - Jimin is slurring the words and I can tell he's definitely past tipsy, and there are possibly more chemicals mixed in his blood apart from the alcohol.

- Hi. – I say casually, trying to hide that I'm annoyed. I have no clue why he's asked me to come, obviously he has found a client for himself only...

- Hi. – The stranger comes up to me sizing me up, something flicks in his eyes. He wants some. Maybe it wasn't a sealed deal with Jimin and he wants to pass him to me. I'll take him, no problem. – Do you want something to drink, handsome? – He sucks at flirting. He gives me the impression he's inexperienced and I give up the hope he's any better at sex. I just pray I'd be able to walk tomorrow.

- Same as him. – I point at Jimin's empty glass, probably vodka. I need something strong. The younger ones always go more than once. This Kookie guy looks like he could go all night...

I lean on the bar facing the dance floor if it can be called that even and I scan around for potential clients but even I don't want to take the guys in here... Kookie has ordered and hands me the glass. Jimin shouts something on his phone and grinning makes a sign he's going out to take the call. It seems he's busy enough. He's definitely passing me this one then. I drink up and I feel the alcohol burn me all the way down to my empty stomach. It's not a nice feeling but at least it'll get me tipsy faster.

The after taste is a tad bit bitter but I ignore it. Kookie has accepted my price and is now leaning on me. Breathing in my neck he suggests we go to one of the back rooms. Oh, cheapskate! I'm disappointed he won't even pay for a motel. But he's better than any of the guys in this place and definitely much better than nothing so I nod and I follow him. It seems the alcohol has made it in my system already because I feel warmer and my head starts spinning a little.

We go in one of the back rooms and it's dark and stuffy but if he doesn't mind, I'm not going to spoil his fun, not that I count on tips from him... He has a bottle of vodka in his hand and is offering me some more. I hesitate. I'm tipsy already after drinking the full glass in one shot. He takes his T off and seeing that ripped body I know I should accept the alcohol. I have the feeling that he's going to take me for a ride that will definitely hurt. I drink straight from the bottle... I hear a click behind me. I turn in the direction of the noise and I notice there's another guy sitting on the sofa, only a part of his face is somewhat visible at the light of the cigarette he holds. That's not what we've agreed on...

- Don't worry, handsome, we'll pay you double... - Kookie croons and gets the cigarette from the other guy and places it between my lips. I inhale deeply, thinking I definitely got more than what I bargained for... - Suga and I are going to be very gentle... - Sure you will! My head really starts to spin and I close my eyes, a kaleidoscope of lights plays behind my lids as they place me on the sofa. I might've hit rock bottom this time for real...