Down The Rabbit Hole * NAMJIN *

11. Joon

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"Really, now you ask me? I don't think..." "Then you shouldn't talk..."  Alice in Wonderland

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I walk into our room where I find Jin humming to one of his favorite songs that's playing a bit too loud for my taste. His head is ducked in my wardrobe, he's looking for something. He hasn't asked for any clothes for him since he came, he still uses mine.

He said once he preferred them because they smelled like me. He must have meant my cologne or the soap because I don't smell like anything at all but if he likes it... I smile, remembering how he used to take something out and bury his nose in it inhaling deeply with his eyes closed. I see him do just that now and even though I think it's more of a habit than consciously now, everything tightens inside me expectantly...

I want to go behind him and hug him really tight! I can't help but hope....!

I'm actually here to talk to him. I'm fed up with this silence. I want him back. Like he used to be. I want us back like we used to be. But no matter how many times I practiced the conversation in my head I just sit there unsure how to start... Unable to go through another disappointment...

I am surprised when he talks first and it sounds as casual as if there's nothing wrong at all. Is that good? Or is it really, really bad...? I hold my breath.

- Joon... - Jin looks in the mirror thoughtful and serious. – I want to get a tattoo...

- A tattoo? – I ask surprised. Why would he spoil this flawless milky skin with ink?

- Yes, here... - I watch his finger trace all the way from his ear to the nook of his neck. I frown, that's exactly where I like to bite him. He turns to look at me. – Your spot, forever...

I'm surprised. I'm almost touched even but I still don't see the necessity to ink that spot in particular. Or any other part of his body to be honest. The thought of some dirty needles piercing his skin instead of me, it's annoying to say the least. He always finds a way to trigger me. My obsession, my possessiveness...

He tells me the design he wants. A bird in a cage! A freaking bird in a cage!!! I realize now he's trying to tell me he wants to be free but doesn't know how or doesn't dare.... Beating around the bush is not my style, though. It wasn't his either, what has happened to him?!

- Do you want to leave? Is that what you want to say really? – I step closer to him, I'm calm but there's a torment in the brewing. I look straight into his eyes hunting for the answer there since he doesn't respond.

His silence is enough of an answer though. He really wants to leave... Even the thought is unbearable.

I want to scream and shout but I don't. A quiet really dark, really scary rage creeps up on me and before I can think straight I slam him on the wall with all my force, my arm pressing on his neck. It must be painful for sure but he doesn't even make a sound. I can tell he's not afraid. His eyes are empty. There's no one there... It's Jin's shell, but where's Jin...?

I hold on by a very thin thread the immense desire to bite him. And it's not the usual biting that I want to do now. I want to harm him, to tear through his skin and leave him in a bloody whimpering mess! I scare myself! Wake up, Namjoon! This is Jin!

No, my Jin isn't empty like that, my Jin doesn't look at me like this!

I slam him against the wall again, desperate, helpless at the moment of final truth. I'm trying not to let loose the monster inside me because I don't think he'll survive meeting it... And more than him leaving me, the thought of harming him or worse is causing even more excruciating pain inside!

How did we reach this point? I came to talk but that's not the talk I came for...

It's a new low. A really shady place where the feelings he planted in me swing from adoration to despair and anger, and back! Our eyes are still locked and I get lost in there. I see sadness now and it's taking over my rage till it's all that's left. I let go of him. I'm feeling shattered...

- What is it Jin? What else do you want? I've given you everything I have! If I had a heart or a soul I'd give you that too!!! – I can't recognize the broken voice that comes from my throat, the knot in there choking me till no sound can escape no more. But I've no tears to cry him a river instead...

He looks at me with the saddest eyes and tries to hug me probably regretting it but I'm really beyond control. I sense the boiling rage bubble right under the surface and I try to hold it there but I know it's useless. Even the music still playing in our room seems more aggressive now. Another minute and I could possibly snap him in two like a dry twig...

I panic!

- Go then... - I whisper as I start to shake uncontrollably and turn away from him giving him my back. – Go! GO NOW I SAY! – I shout, my voice raspy, breaking...

I don't want him to see me like this, to see the monster in me for real!

I pray he has some sense to leave, to run and hide...

I hear his steps and then the door.

He's gone...

Only a whiff of his sweet scent reaches me, that's all he's left behind. That and the PAIN!

My hand smashes through the table and I growl as if someone was ripping my heart out!

I trash around till papers and feathers are flying and everything is broken... In the background American Authors Say Amen plays and I know I'll remember this song for a long, long time...

It'll remind me of this, of how loss feels, how true pain really feels...

Real piercing pain inside my chest where I didn't even think there was a heart to begin with...