Shy... the word haunts the back of my mind.... I was never shy until the day you left. In fact I think it was you who taught me not to be. But even now, sitting in class, I'm to afraid to raise my hand because I can feel your grip on my wrist pulling it down, I can feel your hot breath on my ear as a voice that's no longer there whispers "they'll laugh, they always will " so I just put my hand down and listen to your voice, that seems to be getting stronger everyday that you are gone, every class period I don't raise my hand. It's not the fact that you're gone, it's the imprint you left on me. It's how the drugs made you be the complete opposite from what I wanted you to be. You left and you took the real me with you. You might not know it but you left scars on me mentally and physically. You made me shy. You made me scared to tell my first girlfriend I loved her because I knew she wasn't going to love me back. You made me shy when it comes to correcting people when they call me by the wrong gender. I am afraid to go by male pronouns because I was your princess, your baby girl. I'm afraid to correct a teacher when they call me by my biological name because you gave me that name. My whole life I have been trying to get away from you but you always seem to come back, and each time you do I fall for your tricks. "I'm sober" heard that a million times "I'm going into rehab" wow that's new, oh and my favorite one that i always seem to fall for "I am trying to be a better mother so I can be apart of your life again". Honestly I want to believe you i want to be able to say i go home to a perfect family but you made it so I can't trust anyone. I'm done. I'm done listening to your lies and letting your voice sit in the back of my mind. I'm done letting you grip my wrist and pull me into the darkness that surrounds that word... shy.
