Hey players!!!!! Yes I am still alive and I'm back. It is down right crazy I know. Now I know what you are going to say: girl where did you go? Why did you suddenly leave? What happened to you? Well let me tell you my friends.
OKAY FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO CANNOT HANDLE THE TOPICS OF SUICIDE, DEPRESSION, AND SELF HARM THIS IS MY TRIGGER WARNING
IF YOU SEE THIS AND CANNOT CONTINUE YOU CAN SKIP TO THE NEXT ONE OF THESE
Around this time last year I had left and kind of just dropped off the face of the planet. For those of you who didn't know I had suffered from severe depression for the majority of my life. Mainly due to the torture of bullying. Now I don't mean to sound dramatic or anything but it was hell. As I got older it grew worse. It went from just belittling me and name calling to saying I should kill myself and I am a waste of air. There was much more but that is a story for another time. When I entered high school it got even worse now things were getting physical. I would get thrown downstairs, shoved into locker, sometimes punched and kicked too.
Due to the severity of the bullying and how it only continued to worsen. My depression and mental health to a sharp turn for the worse too. I had become suicidal and began to self harm again. Throughout my life I have self harmed a few times when things got really bad. At this point I just didn't know how else to let all of my negative emotions out so that is what I turned to. As sick as it sounds it made me feel better. Best way to put it is that it made me feel in control like as long as I hold this blade I control what happens to me. No matter what they say I decide what happens. I knew it wasn't a healthy option but it was all I could think of.
Now I know what some of you are thinking: well if it was so bad why didn't you just tell an adult? Things is I did, many times. I told teachers, guidance councilors, vice principal, and principal. Nothing was done though it was just swept under the rug. Nothing ever happened until I got caught with cuts on my arms and got sent to the guidance office. Even then I was told I was a failure and should have found a better way to suck it up and deal. At this point in my life I just felt like I had nothing left. With so many people I loved passing and leaving me. With all the continuous bullying day in and day out. I thought it would just be better to kill myself.
Lucky for me after my parents found out I was cutting them helped me. I finally told my mom how bad the bullying was and what was going on in my mind. I told her why my grades had dropped so much. Basically I told her everything and to say the least she was mortified by what happened to me and how nothing was ever fixed.
THOSE OF YOU WHO HAD TO SKIP YOU CAN READ FROM HERE NOW
Now this sad story has a happy ending. After I told her everything we talked about what we wanted to do to help me get better. Eventually we came to agree to change my schooling. At the end of my freshman year I withdrew from the school. On the form you had to fill out you had to state why the student is leaving the school. We put due to bullying and the school said "You can't put that on there". My mom replied with "Fuck you and this school my daughter has been through hell because of bullying and none of you ever did a damn thing. So my reason is staying because it is the truth".
I then enrolled in an online school called TECCA and since then I have been much happier. My depression is gone for the most part. I still have bouts of it but that is a normal thing. My grades have gone up and now I am back in honors. I made some great new friends and I have joined a new cheer team. My life is so much better since leaving.
I tell my story, however, briefly because for those of you who took the time to read this and may have similar issues like me. I want you to know that you can get through this. That the darkness is not unbeatable. I know a lot of people say that but personally as someone who has been in some of the darkest possible places there really is a light. You just have to fight and I know you can do it. Honestly if you are feeling and having negative thoughts I would recommend you tell an adult that you are close with like I did with my mom. They can help you or get you the help you need. Just know you are strong and can get through it no matter how hard it may seem.
Whelp that is why I left and what has happened in the last year. I am sorry I just disappeared but I deleted the app and forgot about it. I had so much going on and everything in my head I couldn't keep things straight.
With everything that has happened to me I think I am going to write a book on everything I went through. It will just be something to get my story out there. When you hear about this type of thing you never hear about the ones who survived only those who didn't. I want my story to be an inspiration to those who deal with depression. Even if I only make a difference to one person then that is one more person saved. I don't know what the future has in store for me but I am going in guns a blazing.
As for my other stories I don't think I will ever return to them. I won't take them down but I won't be continuing them either. For MLWTBB I have chapters that I never uploaded so I will post those. Plus I have chapters for new book ideas that I began to write. I will post those also but that will be the of that. I will be continuing this book I guess you can call it but it will be more of a way to talk you guys and give updates on what is going on in my life. Maybe sneak peeks at new chapters. Who knows what else will come of this.
I also want to thank everyone who has been by my side and those of you who have waited my long overdue return. You have no idea how much this means to me. I have winter break this next week so I will be on more. Feel free to dm me if you like. I will be making more posts over the week so you can look forward to those. Again I want to thank you guys for everything. It feels weird to say this but...
Peace Out Players~Kanikki
