My Journal

December 21, 2018

I woke up late today. I slipped in and out of consciousness from about 9 to 11 and then I stayed in bed for another 2 hours. It was a lazy kind of day. After I finally got out of bed, I put some cinnamon rolls in the oven, because I'm trying to eat a bunch of junk food before I go back on my diet. While I was waiting for my cinnamon rolls, I decided to open up some packages I had. I thought it was things I had ordered for my mother's boyfriend, Morgan, but apparently, it was from one of my Secret Santas. Hayden (Ghost), was my Santa and he had sent me a fluffy little penguin in a Santa hat and about a fuckton of jolly ranchers. After I realized that the packages were from him, I made a video showing the secret Santa chat what I had received and thanking him. 

After I opened that one, I had to open the gift from my other secret Santa, which was started by the admin in my "The Office" facebook group. I started a Facebook live video on the page and I struggled to open the box with a phone in one hand and a knife in the other. One of my friend's from the group, Morgan, said it sounded like I was having sex because I was making weird noises while trying to open the box.

Anyways, Derek, who was my Secret Santa from that group, sent me great gifts, all of which were inside jokes from the Office and quotes. I was so excited about everything and then I got to eat my cinnamon rolls and it was an all-around great early afternoon. 

I sat down in my chair and watched The Office, which is what I usually do in my free time, and tried to get interested in Minecraft, futilely. After messaging the group chat for that first secret Santa I mentioned, Hayden reached out to me and let me know that I actually have 2 other items on their way to me, one arriving tomorrow and the other arriving on the 27th. Then we photo swapped, so I got to see what he looks like and he got to see me and we chatted about Secret Santa and various other topics on discord for a while. We started talking about maybe meeting up with a few of our other internet friends, Brittany and Jesse and about maybe setting up a cruise we could all go on sometime next spring. I'll probably start drawing up plans for that pretty soon, so everyone has time to save for it.

After I left Hayden to get dressed and ready for work, around 4oclock, I ended up in a heated debate about vaccinations with someone from The Inner Inner Circle group chat, which is a byproduct of that same Office facebook fan group. Some guy just randomly said, "I'm not trying to start a debate, but what are your opinions on vaccinations." Obviously, being a smart, well-informed adult human, like myself, I said that antivaxers are idiots and that children who are immunized are at risk to contract and spread disease to immunocompromised individuals.  I asked if he was antivax and he said he was on the fence about immunizations and I blew up at him a bit. I think it is irresponsible and ridiculous to be anti-vaccination and he at one point said that Big Pharma was just created diseases so they could make money off of immunizations. It made my blood boil. I feel so bad for children with parents like that, who choose to wear a tinfoil hat instead of protecting their children from preventable diseases. 

Apparently, he felt disrespected and attacked so ended up leaving the group chat and the facebook group. He eventually came back, after the admin talked to him. Christina, the creator of the group, then lectured the group chat via voice messages, saying we all need to be more respectful and that he felt like we were attacking his character, saying that he was immoral, and making him feel like he knew nothing and we should work harder in the future to prevent that so nobody feels attacked. All I could think while listening to the messages was "That was exactly what  I wanted to make him feel because he should feel immoral and I do not respect his opinion." Anti-vaccination parents are just shilling for the baby coffin industry. 

After that debate, I went off to work and went about my day, until I walked into the office and ended up hearing something I didn't want to hear. Brandon was talking crap about Patrick, who is one of the managers of the store, to Gina, who is also a manager of the store. I really didn't want to hear that, especially since Patrick and I are friends and I hate fake people. Brandon pretending to be Patrick's friend and then talking shit 20 feet away from him. It really rubbed me the wrong way. I try to be a real person and I can't imagine why anyone would do something like that. You don't gain anything from it and it's just...Gross. 

I continued my shift, snapchatted Jesse a little bit and exchanged memes about antivaxers with Morgan. It was a pretty okay shift. I got Robert in the work secret santa and so I talked to him a bit to try and get an idea of what to get him. I will probably just get him some vape juice, though I find the habit disgusting. I don't even know why I'm participating in this work Secret Santa. 

After most people left, I told Patrick I needed to talk to him, but Justin wouldn't leave. He likes to hang out at work long after his shift ends and I think he actually is friends with Patrick. After a long time of me waiting for Justin to leave, I decided maybe Patrick would prefer not to know that his friend is fake. I was talking myself out of telling him, but he stopped me on my way out and walked me to my car. I told him and I apologized profusely. He was obviously hurt and I felt bad I was the one that had to tell him. I would want to know if my friends were shit talking me behind my back, but it still sucks. He thanked me and I drove away and went to the Atm. I deposited my tips and my check and drove straight back to work. I wanted to tell Patrick that I would be his friend and I could be someone he could always trust. I wanted to give him my phone number and let him know that if he needed me I would be there, but after I got back to the store and used my pizza delivery bags as an excuse as to why I came back, I ended up getting clocked back in and taking another delivery.

 I never did tell him. I don't think he would accept me as his friend if it were in front of other people. Is that weird? I just don't think he wants to admit he needs someone to lean on, maybe. I know he thinks of me as a good person and I hope he knows he can trust me. He doesn't have a lot of people on his side at work and I really just feel like he could use a dependable friend, instead of all the plastic people in the world. 

Overall it was a good day, though emotionally draining. I have a crush on a good friend and I need to get over it. He doesn't live anywhere near me and probably doesn't like me anyway. I'm just lonely, I think. Who isn't though, right?

I'm going to start making a meal plan for when I get back into my Keto diet on January 1st. I think it will really help me stay on track this time. 

Hopefully, I'll write more soon and tell you how the Secret Santa things go. 

Sincerely, 

Brook