Unbelievable and unwavering sadness. Breathless and tireless sadness. A kind of sadness that exists for a reason but yet, there is no calculable reason. For several months now, that's what my life has been and on this particular night, that sadness is strong.
I'm scared for the safety and welfare of my best friend, Jesse. He's making some poor decisions that could ruin his life, worst case scenario, and I want so badly to save him from himself but know that my words will never reach him. He is going to do what he wants to, in the end. This is possibly my greatest sadness. Watching a train about to run off the track.
Perhaps I am the problem, though. A pessimist with my worst case scenarios. That doesn't stop the worry or the sadness. That feeling of absolute, hopeless, powerlessness.
It isn't just that, though. I feel more alone, possibly than I ever have. It isn't the romantic aloneness, though maybe that adds to it. It's the feeling that nobody actually notices me. Not exactly a nuisance, exactly. More like an unassuming beige couch that you'd put in a storage locker. Useless and taking up space, but not exactly bothering you.
Today was supposed to be a good day, but even still, in the late hours of the night when sleep eludes me, the feelings creep back. I took my little brother out, to celebrate his early birthday since he is moving with his mother and other half-sisters to Texas at the end of the school year. Unfair, that the one person in the world who appreciates my existence and wants me around would be moving hundreds of miles away.
I don't know. The feeling of my worthlessness weighs heavy on me tonight.
Yours Truly,
Brook R.
YOU ARE READING
My Journal
Non-FictionI decided to start journaling, but writing for long periods of time makes my hands hurt so I decided to put it here. No one will read this probably ever and that is probably a good thing. I don't know.
