The Smiles Are All Fake

Pains of Hunger

This is a true story. This chapter is going to talk about eating disorders and mental health issues. If you are uncomfortable with or are triggered in some way by those topics I suggest that you do not read this chapter.

Beauty is pain.

That's what everyone says.

We've all heard it at some point in our lives.

But what happens when someone takes it too far?

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Every teenager has their bad days. You know the ones I'm talking about, where you get out of bed and just feel.... Worthless, ugly, weak...

For some of us it may be more days than not that we feel like this, others it may be incredibly rare.

That's normal, it's part of growing up, learning to accept yourself.

I personally have felt that I have woken up to this emotion far too often, but when I look around me, I can see that I'm one of the lucky ones.

I have a very close knit circle of friends. There are about 12 girls and maybe 10 or so guys. Out of these 22 people who I consider to be my second family, the people I turn to when I'm having issues with my real one, 7 seven of them have suffered from either an eating disorder, mental health issue or both.

One of my friends, let's call her Grace, because she has been the saving grace to so many, she began starving herself at age nine. Why? Because her parents got a divorce and 'it was all her fault.'

At that age, none of my friends understood it, we just thought she wasn't hungry when she started giving her food away at school, and that she was being overly polite when she refused snacks while playing at our houses.

Grace went for three whole weeks without any food being properly digested before she collapsed.

It scared us. Oh God, we were all petrified. One second she was happy and laughing with us, the next she was lying on the ground screaming in pain, when she lost consciousness almost everyone freaked out, most of our friends thought she was dead.

Grace spent the next two and a half years in and out of hospital, finally spending 9 months in a rehab centre after a horrific relapse.

The following is a recount of what Grace said was going through her head to make her take such drastic actions:

I felt I just wasn't good enough. I had caused my parents to stop loving eachother, it was all my fault. I figured that if I could just become perfect, maybe they would love each other again, love me... Again.

Every time I look in the mirror, to this day, I don't see what you tell me is 'real.' I see a girl with fat thighs, and a muffin top, squishy arms and bulky cankles. I see what my mind told me, not what was really being reflected back.

The pain from the hunger felt good. Everyone always said beauty is pain, so I figured that if I was in so much pain, then I must be becoming beautiful.

The sad truth is that, by the end, it wasn't to get my family back, it wasn't to be 'pretty' it was just because I didn't deserve to be happy. Food made me happy, how could it not after not consuming a proper meal for so long, and if I took that away, it was the perfect punishment.

The depression that followed, left deep scarring on all of us.

Grace's arms would be constantly be marred by think white or red lines. We were all scared, who wouldn't, we were thirteen, fourteen, we understood it now; what was going on.

We all felt so helpless. We tried to get her to talk to someone again but she refused.

Grace gave in eventually, thank god, and is currently attending twice weekly counselling sessions and bi-weekly doctors check ups. Sadly the counselling doesn't fix everything and so Grace takes anti-depressants to assist in her recovery.

What most people don't understand is that mental health isn't something that changes overnight.

Grace didn't just wake up one day and say, yeah, I'm not going to eat anymore.

People assume that once someone gets help they'll be better. That's not always true. The only way someone can help you, is if you first accept their help. There are many people suffering from things like depression, anxiety, and eating disorders that don't think there is anything wrong, therefore nothing they need help with.

Many people feel like the people that try to help them don't understand what they're going or have been through.

Earlier I mentioned that "Grace" had been the saving grace for many. As part of her personal recovery she chose to attend group sessions with other sufferers who have not accepted that they need help yet, through these groups Grace shares her story and has helped a large number of people start their recovery.

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If any of you are feeling down, like something is wrong, or you just want to chat. Please, feel free to pm me.

I love all of you.

You are worth more than you think because everything, from the smallest of creatures, to the smartest of the human race can have no value place upon their head, for you are priceless because you are loved.