and with the deafening mind of hers came a sorrow she submitted to. it was as if she was submerged underwater for years of her life, solely being focused on how everything was amplified beneath the surface. it was all very loud, similar to the volum...
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january 10th
celine had never dreamed about her wedding, or the person she would spend the rest of her life with. with her mind being against her for so long, she only allowed herself to see so far into the future. weddings were never part of that within reach future of hers, until recently.
there she was, witnessing the chaos of last minute tasks needing to be completed, but her soon to be mother-in-law was guiding her to the room for her to get ready in telling her not to worry, and that everything would be perfect.
what is perfect?
her and nicholas had been in another realm where only they existed as of late. there were the softest words, and the gentlest of touches. they would dance in the middle of the living room to the music barely heard because their laughter was louder than anything around them, including celine's mind.
it was going to be a small, intimate wedding. celine's guest list ceased to exist making everyone in attendance the groom's guests. his mother, farrah, was beyond excited for her last child to get married.
celine sat at the vanity painted white and carved into with intricate details on the border of the mirror. as her eyes stared back at her, she wasn't yearning for silence, or being torn apart within the depths of her mind. that day, her mind was not the terrifying abyss of agony that she had grown accustomed to. she heard farrah tell her how happy she was that her son had found someone so amazing and that they were a match made in heaven.
celine looked back at herself and hardly recognized the woman staring back at her. she felt slightly ridiculous, like she was fooling everyone, even herself. the way her appearance portrayed that she was so poised and graceful brought a smile to her ruby painted lips. she thought she looked like the women from magazines, and she loved to pretend, hell, she pretended that she didn't despise falling into dreams and that her fiancé hadn't left marks in the shape of his fingers painted onto her skin in anything other than lust.
celine listened while her mother-in-law gushed about how she witnessed the love between them and the way he would look at her while she clasped the same necklace she wore on her wedding day around celine's neck. his family would always be gripping onto her neck and constricting her throat to suffocate whether they meant to or not, but for now a sentimental necklace would suffice.
farrah helped with the buttons on the back of celine's dress. the cap sleeves found comfort barely off of her shoulders, and the off-white lace reached the floor in ripples. there was a rhythm to the fabric, and as much as celine wanted to understand it, she just couldn't follow it. but whether she was aware of any of this was elusive because despite the few tears she shed out of nerves, she held the flowers tightly in her grip and walked through the doors of the church with no one by her side on her way down the aisle, but eyes of amazement following her like they followed the rhythm. celine was alone in being unable to understand her own wedding.
and to celine, although nicholas hurt her hard, he loved her harder. she had loved him so much in all of their years together, but maybe it was his fixed grip around her neck that made her stay, but for now, the grip of a necklace would suffice.
"...till death do us part..." nicholas recited the vows before his friends and family. it was beautiful for everyone seated in chairs to witness because celine was in each and every one of their hands.
without nicholas, she would be alone. without her husband, her mind would be the loudest thing in her life in the most overbearing, unmanageable way. because all celine had ever wanted was silence, and as they kissed as husband and wife, silence she received.
